Parental Alienation

A few words about my current perspective on parental alienation:
In my opinion, the best defense is to stand proud and tall in who you
are, and trust your child to see the truth for herself. My kids were 3
and 6 when we got divorced. It's scary when they are young and you
know their other parent is telling them lies about you.
My strategy to counter this was to stay cool and calm when they
reported the lies to me, and to acknowledge that their dad has a right
to his opinion about me. I then shared that I saw myself very
differently. I would ask them to be honest with me about how THEY saw
me, and would make it completely safe for them to tell me the truth.
And then we would take steps together to mitigate whatever issues they
were having with me.
I went about my life very transparently, SHOWING them who I am, as
opposed to telling them, never arguing against their dad's opinion of
me. I adopted the attitude of, 'Oh my, that's a tough one. I know you
love both daddy and me, and I bet it's hard for you to hear him say
things that are so different from what you feel is true about me. Is
there anything you want to ask me about?'...

More About Custody: http://groups.google.com/group/custodyinfo

"jana chenoweth" wrote in

It's scary when they are young and you know their other parent is telling
them lies about you.


In time, the truth always comes out!

"DB" wrote in message
. ..

"jana chenoweth" wrote in

It's scary when they are young and you know their other parent is telling
them lies about you.


In time, the truth always comes out!

You mean like good old mom dumped dad in 85% of the cases over his
objections and he tells the children the truth?

These femwit sites try to re-define parental alienation syndrome away from
CP moms saying horrible things about a child's father to drive a wedge
between the father/child relationship, and make it sound like PAS is the
dads bad mouthing the moms.

On Jan 27, 9:46*pm, "Bob Whiteside" wrote:
"DB" wrote in message

. ..



"jana chenoweth" wrote in

It's scary when they are young and you know their other parent is telling
them lies about you.

In time, the truth always comes out!

You mean like good old mom dumped dad in 85% of the cases over his
objections and he tells the children the truth?

These femwit sites try to re-define parental alienation syndrome away from
CP moms saying horrible things about a child's father to drive a wedge
between the father/child relationship, and make it sound like PAS is the
dads bad mouthing the moms.

You mean like good old mom dumped dad in 85% of the cases over his
objections and he tells the children the truth?
Where did you get 85% from? That number is just astounding and I would
like to see the statistics because a lot of divorced people with
children whom I know were able to *nicely* divorce and work out
custody arrangements, and it wasn't an 85% split rate for just the
people I know.

wrote in

You mean like good old mom dumped dad in 85% of the cases over his
objections and he tells the children the truth?

Where did you get 85% from? That number is just astounding and I would
like to see the statistics because a lot of divorced people with
children whom I know were able to *nicely* divorce and work out
custody arrangements, and it wasn't an 85% split rate for just the
people I know.

Since when is a failed marriage and broken family a nice thing?
Did the Titanic sink without a scream?

wrote in message
...
On Jan 27, 9:46 pm, "Bob Whiteside" wrote:
"DB" wrote in message

. ..



"jana chenoweth" wrote in

It's scary when they are young and you know their other parent is
telling
them lies about you.

In time, the truth always comes out!

You mean like good old mom dumped dad in 85% of the cases over his
objections and he tells the children the truth?

These femwit sites try to re-define parental alienation syndrome away from
CP moms saying horrible things about a child's father to drive a wedge
between the father/child relationship, and make it sound like PAS is the
dads bad mouthing the moms.

You mean like good old mom dumped dad in 85% of the cases over his
objections and he tells the children the truth?
Where did you get 85% from? That number is just astounding and I would
like to see the statistics because a lot of divorced people with
children whom I know were able to *nicely* divorce and work out
custody arrangements, and it wasn't an 85% split rate for just the
people I know.

------------------------------------------

Sorry for the typo. I meant to type 65%. There have been a number of
studies on this issue and they all indicate women initiate divorce 65-75% of
the time. A few researchers you can use as resources are Judith
Wallerstein, Constance Ahrons, and Sanford Braver.

Braver is the only researcher I am aware of who developed statistics on
divorce being a mutual decision. His study sample showed 4-9% of divorces
were mutual.

The reason the results vary is based on how the samples are selected and how
the questions are asked. Some resultant divorce rates are based on all
divorces, some with joint children, some where the other spouse objected,
some comparing first and subsequent marriages, etc.

"DB" wrote in message
news

wrote in

You mean like good old mom dumped dad in 85% of the cases over his
objections and he tells the children the truth?

Where did you get 85% from? That number is just astounding and I would
like to see the statistics because a lot of divorced people with
children whom I know were able to *nicely* divorce and work out
custody arrangements, and it wasn't an 85% split rate for just the
people I know.

Since when is a failed marriage and broken family a nice thing?
Did the Titanic sink without a scream?

Several years ago, I investigated the "dumper-dumpee" divorce ratio by
looking at a range of published research material. Based on this research,
the 85 percent figure quoted above is too high. However, virtually all
researchers found that wives were far more likely to initiate divorce than
husbands. Percentages varied, but it seemed to me that, on average, in
about 75 percent of cases the wives instigated the divorces. (This was not
simply a case of the wives filing the paperwork--it was based on questioning
spouses about who wanted the divorce and who didn't.)

I find it odd that nearly everyone thinks that divorce is a matter of
husbands dumping wives. The answer may be in a comment Jack Kammer's book,
"Good Will Toward Men" : "When I was a little boy and I heard that my
parents' friends were getting divorced, I had the very clear impression that
divorce was always the man's fault. That made me feel bad about men. Only
later did I realize that the reason I thought that divorce was always the
man's fault was because it was only the women who were talking about it."

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On Jan 28, 2:38*pm, "Bob Whiteside" wrote:
wrote in message

...
On Jan 27, 9:46 pm, "Bob Whiteside" wrote:





"DB" wrote in message

...

"jana chenoweth" wrote in

It's scary when they are young and you know their other parent is
telling
them lies about you.

In time, the truth always comes out!

You mean like good old mom dumped dad in 85% of the cases over his
objections and he tells the children the truth?

These femwit sites try to re-define parental alienation syndrome away from
CP moms saying horrible things about a child's father to drive a wedge
between the father/child relationship, and make it sound like PAS is the
dads bad mouthing the moms.
You mean like good old mom dumped dad in 85% of the cases over his
objections and he tells the children the truth?

Where did you get 85% from? That number is just astounding and I would
like to see the statistics because a lot of divorced people with
children whom I know were able to *nicely* divorce and work out
custody arrangements, and it wasn't an 85% split rate for just the
people I know.

------------------------------------------

Sorry for the typo. *I meant to type 65%. *There have been a number of
studies on this issue and they all indicate women initiate divorce 65-75% of
the time. *A few researchers you can use as resources are Judith
Wallerstein, Constance Ahrons, and Sanford Braver.

Braver is the only researcher I am aware of who developed statistics on
divorce being a mutual decision. *His study sample showed 4-9% of divorces
were mutual.

The reason the results vary is based on how the samples are selected and how
the questions are asked. *Some resultant divorce rates are based on all
divorces, some with joint children, some where the other spouse objected,
some comparing first and subsequent marriages, etc.- Hide quoted text -

- Show quoted text -

Sorry for the typo. I meant to type 65%. There have been a number of
studies on this issue and they all indicate women initiate divorce 65-75% of
the time.
Does it say how many of those came about from accusations of abuse,
sexuall assualt, or adultry? Not to say that all divorces come about
because of those three things, but surely some of those percentages
are attributted to those three things.

On Jan 28, 12:26*pm, "DB" wrote:
wrote in

You mean like good old mom dumped dad in 85% of the cases over his
objections and he tells the children the truth?
Where did you get 85% from? That number is just astounding and I would

like to see the statistics because a lot of divorced people with
children whom I know were able to *nicely* divorce and work out
custody arrangements, and it wasn't an 85% split rate for just the
people I know.

Since when is a failed marriage and broken family a nice thing?
Did the Titanic sink without a scream?

Since when is a failed marriage and broken family a nice thing?
It's not nice, but can be absolved *nicely*, as I said, especially
when both parties are mature enough to do so. I see the way you turned
that though, so I can see how you would feel that no couple can come
to terms because you and your ex may not have been able to. Not
everyon has bad experience. My ex and I have dinner together every Sat
night and catch up. We share 50/50 time with our kids, and the same
goes for medical, clothing, holidays, pretty much everything. It was
just much better for us to be friends rather than lovers.
We must not be the norm because my co-workers are surprised that my ex-
husband is my BFF, but who else besides myself would know me better?
Last night we went out to eat (ex paid for dinner) and then to see The
Orphanage (I paid for tickets, and drinks). Next weekend he will pick
the resturant and I'll pay, and I'll pick the after activity and he'll
pay.

Parenting is a 50/50 type of thing, and you'll get nowhere if you
can't compromise. We both love the kids, and the kids love us both. We
wouldn't be good parents if we didn't handle everything nicely, and we
wouldn't have so much fun on our "Family fun vacations", which my ex
and I split the cost of. This year we are looking forward to a week in
Orlando, and a week long cruise from there.