FAO: smith_bp101, Father Article I mentioned (LONG)

Here's the interesting article I mentioned in your post asking about the
father-baby/mother-baby relationships.
HTH!


How Fathers, As Male Parents, Matter for Healthy Child Development
May 28, 2003 by Glenn T. Stanton

Fathers parent differently from mothers and that difference matters greatly
for children.
Fatherhood is just as essential to healthy child development as motherhood.
In some measures, father-love is more important. The professional journal,
Review of General Psychology, finds "evidence suggests that the influence of
father love on offspring's development is as great as and occasionally
greater than the influence of mother love." 1 Fathering expert Dr. Kyle
Pruett explains in 'Fatherneed: Why Father Care is as Essential as Mother
Care, for Your Child,' quote: "fathers do not mother." 2 'Psychology Today'
explains: "fatherhood turns out to be a complex and unique phenomenon, with
huge consequences for the emotional and intellectual growth of children." 3
Erik Erikson, a pioneer in the world of child psychology, explained that
father love and mother love are qualitatively different kinds of love.
Fathers "love more dangerously" because their love is more "expectant, more
instrumental" than a mother's love.4 A father, as a male biological parent,
brings unique contributions to the job of parenting a child, that no one
else can replicate.

Following, are some of the most compelling ways a fathers involvement makes
a positive difference in a child's life. Decidedly, the first benefit is the
'difference' itself.

Fathers Parent Differently
This difference provides an important diversity of experiences for children.
Dr. Pruett explains that fathers have a distinct style of communication and
interaction with children. Around the eighth week, infants generally know
the difference between who is interacting with them - their mother or their
father. This diversity, in itself, provides children with an enriched
experience, offering a greater contrast in relational interactions - more so
than for children who are raised by only one parent. Whether they realize it
or not, children are learning (at an early age) by sheer experience, that
men and women are different. And, that they have different ways of dealing
with life, other adults and children. This understanding can be of critical
value for a child's development.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOO"A father,
as a male biological parent, brings a unique contribution to the effort of
parenting a child, that no one else can replicate."
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Fathers Play Differently
Fathers tend to play with, and mothers tend to care for, children. While
both mothers and fathers are physical, fathers are physical in different
ways.
Fathers tickle more, they wrestle, and they throw their children in the air
(while mother says. "Not so high!"). Fathers chase their children, sometimes
as playful, scary "monsters." Fathers are louder at play, while mothers are
quieter. Mothers cuddle babies, and fathers bounce them. Fathers roughhouse,
while mothers are gentle. Fathers encourage competition; mothers encourage
equity. Often, a father's style encourages independence, while a mother's
style encourages security.
Fathering expert, John Snarey, explains that children who roughhouse with
their fathers learn that biting, kicking and other forms of physical
violence are not appropriate.5 They learn self-control by being told when
"enough is enough" and when to "settle down." Girls and boys, both learn a
healthy balance between timidity and aggression. Children need mom's
softness as well as dad's roughhousing. Both provide security and confidence
in their own ways, by communicating love and physical intimacy.

Fathers Build Confidence
Go to any playground and listen to the parents there. Who is encouraging
kids to swing or climb just a little higher; ride their bike just a little
faster; throw just a little harder; etc? Who is encouraging kids to be
careful? Mothers protect, and dads encourage kids to push their limits.
Either of these parenting styles by themselves can be unhealthy. One tends
toward encouraging risk, without consideration of consequences; the other,
tends toward avoidance of risk - hindering a child's ability to build
independence, confidence and other developments. Both perspectives tend to
lead a child toward a healthy balance - generally helping children remain
safe - while expanding their experiences and confidence.

Fathers Communicate Differently
One major study showed that when speaking to children, mothers and fathers
converse differently. Mothers will simplify their words and speak on the
child's level. Men generally, are not as inclined to modify their language
for the child.
While mother's way may facilitate immediate communication, father's way
often challenges the child to expand vocabulary and linguistic skills - an
important building block for academic success.
Father's communication style tends to be more brief, direct, and to the
point. It also makes greater use of subtle body language. Mother's method
tend to be more descriptive, personal and verbally encouraging. Thus,
children who don't learn how to understand and use both styles of
conversation, as they grow, will be at a disadvantage, considering they will
experience each out in the world.

Fathers Discipline Differently
Educational psychologist Carol Gilligan, tells us that fathers stress
justice, fairness and duty (based on their rules), while mothers stress
empathy, care and help (based on relationships). Fathers tend to observe and
enforce rules systematically and sternly. Often, this models for children
objectivity, and the consequences of one's actions. Mothers lean toward
grace and empathy, in the midst of disobedience, which provides a sense of
hopefulness. Again, either of these by themselves reduces equilibrium, but
together, they create a healthy, proper balance.

Fathers Prepare Children for the Real World
Dads tend to see their children in relation to the rest of the world. While
mothers tend to see the rest of the world in relation to their child.
Perhaps, the following will clarify this distinction.
What often motivates a mother (as a parent)? Her primary concerns are
motivated by things from the outside world, that she knows could hurt her
child (i.e., lightning, accidents, disease, strange people, dogs or cats,
etc.). Fathers, while not unconcerned with these things, tend to focus on
how their children will, or will not be prepared, for an incident they may
encounter out in the world.
Fathers seek to get children to see that particular attitudes and behaviors,
have consequences. For instance, fathers are more likely to tell their
children that if they are not nice to others, kids will not want to play
with them. Or, if they don't do well in school, they will not get into a
good college or land a desirable job. Fathers push children to prepare for
the harshness of the real world, and mothers seek to protect children
against it. Both are necessary as children grow into adulthood.

Fathers provide a Look at the World of Men; Mothers, the World of Women
Men and women are different. They eat differently. They dress differently.
They smell different. They cope with life differently. A father does "man
things" and a mother "woman things."
Girls and boys who grow up with a father are more familiar and secure with
the curious world of men. Girls with involved, connected fathers, are more
likely to have healthier relationships with boys during adolescence, and men
in adulthood, because they have learned from their fathers how respectful
men act toward women. They learn a sense of which behaviors are
inappropriate. They also have a healthy familiarity with the world of men.
They don't wonder how a man's facial stubble feels or what it's like to be
hugged by strong arms. This knowledge builds emotional security and safety,
from the exploitation of predatory males. They also learn from mom, how to
live in a woman's world. This is paricularly important as they approach
adolescence, and all the changes that this life-stage brings.
Boys who grow up with dads are less likely to be violent. Generally, since
they have their masculinity affirmed due to their inaction with their
fathers, and often learn from their fathers, how to channel their
masculinity and strength, in positive ways. Fathers help children understand
proper male sexuality, hygiene and behaviours in age-appropriate ways.
Whereas a mother will help boys understand the female world and develop some
sensitivity toward women. They also help boys to know how to relate and
communicate with women.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOO"As noted
sociologist David Popenoe explains, 'Fathers are far more than just a
"second adult" in the home. Involved fathers - especially biological
fathers - bring positive benefits to their children that no other person is
as likely to bring.'"
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Fathers and Mothers Teach Respect for the Opposite Sex
Research consistently shows committed fathers are substantially less likely
to abuse their partners or their children, than men in any other category.6
This means that boys and girls with committed fathers in the home learn, by
observation, how men respectfully treat women.
Girls with involved fathers, therefore, are more likely to select for
themselves good suitors and husbands, because they have a suitable standards
by which to judge all candidates. Often, fathers themselves, also help weed
out bad candidates. Boys raised with a father, are more likely to be better
mates, because they can emulate their fathers' successes, and learn from
their failures.
The American Journal of Sociology finds that: "Societies with
'father-present patterns of child socialization' produce men who are less
inclined to exclude women from public activities, than their counterparts in
father-absent societies." 7
Girls and boys with committed mothers, learn from their mothers what a
healthy, respectful female relationship with men looks like. Girls who
observe their mothers confidently and lovingly interacting with their
fathers learn how to interact confidently with men.

Fathers Connect Children with Job Markets
A crucial point in life is the transition from financial dependence to
independence. This is usually a slow process spanning the years from about
16 to 22 years of age. Fathers often help connect their children (especially
boys) to job markets, as they enter adulthood. This is because fathers, more
than mothers, are more likely to have those kinds of diverse community
connections, needed to help young adults get their first jobs. When a dad is
not around, boys are not as likely to have these types of connections,
helpful in landing a summer job.

Conclusion
As noted sociologist David Popenoe explains: "Fathers are far more than just
a 'second adult' in the home. Involved fathers - especially biological
fathers - bring positive benefits to their children that no other person is
as likely to bring." 8 Fathers bring good, essential things to the lives of
children. Children are impoverished developmentally, when they are deprived
of their father's love.

The "Review of General Psychology" concludes:
"Many studies conclude that children with highly involved fathers, as
compared to children with less involved fathers, tend to be more cognitively
and socially competent, less inclined toward gender stereotyping, more
empathetic, and just overall better psychologically adjusted." 9
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOGlenn T.
Stanton is Director of Social Research and Cultural Affairs, and Senior
Analyst for Marriage and Sexuality at Focus on the Family.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOO
(1) Ronald Rohner and Robert Veneziano, "The Importance of Father Love:
History and Contemporary Evidence," Review of General Psychology, 5 (2001)
382-405. (2) Kyle D. Pruett, Fatherneed: Why Father Care is as Essential as
Mother Care for Your Child, (New York: The Free Press, 2000), pp. 17-34. (3)
"Shuttle Diplomacy," Psychology Today, July/August 1993, p. 15. (4) As cited
in Kyle D. Pruett, The Nurturing Father, (New York: Warner Books, 1987), p.
49. (5)John Snarey, How Fathers Care for the Next Generation: A Four Decade
Study (Cambridge: Harvard University Press, 1993), p. 35-36. (6) Linda Waite
and Maggie Gallagher, The Case for Marriage, (New York: Doubleday, 2000);
David Popenoe, Life Without Father, (New York: The Free Press, 1996). (7)
Scott Coltrane, "Father-Child Relationships and the Status of Women: A
Cross-Cultural Study," American Journal of Sociology, 93 (1988) p. 1088. (8)
David Popenoe, Life Without Father (New York: The Free Press, 1996), p. 163.
(9) Rohner and Veneziano, 2001, p. 392

Thank you for finding that article. I found it very interesting esp in
the paragraph about Fathers Prepare Children for the Real World. I
think this is very true and often found that from my father too. While
my mother was more of a nourish type, my dad helped prepare us kids
for the real world. He wanted us to have a very good education and
stressed the importance of family too.

I just feed and put baby down to sleep. He was crying and it drove me
nuts, but I get up at 3:30am so my wife can get some sleep. I stay up
for the rest of the night in case baby wakes up. It also gives me a
little time alone with him. It funny how things seem different at
3am.

wrote in message
ups.com...
Thank you for finding that article. I found it very interesting esp in
the paragraph about Fathers Prepare Children for the Real World. I
think this is very true and often found that from my father too. While
my mother was more of a nourish type, my dad helped prepare us kids
for the real world. He wanted us to have a very good education and
stressed the importance of family too.

I just feed and put baby down to sleep. He was crying and it drove me
nuts, but I get up at 3:30am so my wife can get some sleep. I stay up
for the rest of the night in case baby wakes up. It also gives me a
little time alone with him. It funny how things seem different at
3am.


You don't need to stay up in case the baby wakes again. You can go back to
sleep and wake up and attend to the baby if it wakes. If you are a sound
sleeper and don't hear the baby, then put the monitor on your side of the
room, or sleep in the baby's room. Or get your wife earplugs, or all of the
above!
--

Jamie
Earth Angels:
Taylor Marlys -- 01/03/03
Addison Grace -- 09/30/04

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Jamie,
If I go back to sleep I would only get a couple hours in. Then I'd
wake up and be very groogy. I tried that a few times and prefer just
to stay up. I can also eat breakfast and get a few things done around
the house. I can also get a little dad time alone with my handsome
conehead son.

wrote:
Jamie,
If I go back to sleep I would only get a couple hours in. Then I'd
wake up and be very groogy. I tried that a few times and prefer just
to stay up. I can also eat breakfast and get a few things done around
the house. I can also get a little dad time alone with my handsome
conehead son.

If you mean by "time alone" that you're cuddling
quietly in the dark while he eats or falls back asleep,
that's one thing. If you're really interacting with him,
though, you're not doing anyone any favors because he's
learning that 3:30am is a *really* great time with Dad,
and he will continue to make sure he wakes to do it again.

Best wishes,
Ericka

On Jun 19, 11:39 am, Ericka Kammerer wrote:
wrote:
Jamie,
If I go back to sleep I would only get a couple hours in. Then I'd
wake up and be very groogy. I tried that a few times and prefer just
to stay up. I can also eat breakfast and get a few things done around
the house. I can also get a little dad time alone with my handsome
conehead son.

If you mean by "time alone" that you're cuddling
quietly in the dark while he eats or falls back asleep,
that's one thing. If you're really interacting with him,
though, you're not doing anyone any favors because he's
learning that 3:30am is a *really* great time with Dad,
and he will continue to make sure he wakes to do it again.

Best wishes,
Ericka

No 3:30 is quiet time. I feed him, do a diaper change and maybe
another feeding if he's still hungery. Then hopefully he falls asleep.
Lights are low and I try not to speak to him much and try to make
everything boring. I do all this in the living room.

What about the times he doesn't fall asleep? Sometimes rocking isn't
enough. I've taken him for a car ride and that manages to put him to
sleep almost everytime and sometimes just putting him in the car seat
does it. Is that training him that night time is sleep time even with
all of that commotion? I really want him to get the message that night
is for sleeping established asap.

While I'm on the subject, does it matter where he falls asleep at?
When do we put him in his own crib in his own room at night? I'm
thinking of having him take naps in his real crib while having him in
the portable crib in our room at night until one month.

wrote in message
oups.com...

Jamie,
If I go back to sleep I would only get a couple hours in. Then I'd
wake up and be very groogy. I tried that a few times and prefer just
to stay up. I can also eat breakfast and get a few things done around
the house. I can also get a little dad time alone with my handsome
conehead son.


Gotcha. You must go to bed really early then. Just make sure that you
don't keep the baby awake at 3am and entertain him, or his body clock will
think that 3am is morning time, time to wake up and play!

My husband and I worked out a schedule (after much trial and error) that
worked out really well for us, based on our individual sleeping/waking
patterens. I tend to be more of a night owl, and was easily staying up
until midnight every night. Dh tended to go to sleep around 9-10, and wake
up early. So what we did was that I would feed baby and put her to bed
around 7-8, then do the 9-10pm waking, and the 12-1am. I'd go to bed around
midnight, and tend to wake easily up a an hour or two or three later for the
2-3am feeding/diaper change. I don't know why, but after that last wake up,
it would be really hard for me to wake up again for the next feeding.
Really hard.

Meanwhile, dh has been sleeping pretty much undistrurbed from 10-3am. At
the next wake up, usually around 4-5am, dh would get up, tend to the baby,
and then come back to bed. He'd get up again at the 6-7 wake up, and take
the baby downstairs and start his day. I'd sleep in until about 8:30am or
so. So we'd each get about a 5 hour stretch of uninterrupted sleep, and 2
more 2-3 hour sessions, give or take. It worked for us. As the baby slept
longer and longer, the cutoff point stayed around 4am, so I always checked
the clock and would give dh a nudge if it was his shift.

Now this worked for us partly because we bottle fed both of our girls. They
are both adopted, so breastfeeding wasn't much of an option.
--

Jamie
Earth Angels:
Taylor Marlys -- 01/03/03
Addison Grace -- 09/30/04

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wrote in message
oups.com...
On Jun 19, 11:39 am, Ericka Kammerer wrote:
wrote:
Jamie,
If I go back to sleep I would only get a couple hours in. Then I'd
wake up and be very groogy. I tried that a few times and prefer just
to stay up. I can also eat breakfast and get a few things done around
the house. I can also get a little dad time alone with my handsome
conehead son.

If you mean by "time alone" that you're cuddling
quietly in the dark while he eats or falls back asleep,
that's one thing. If you're really interacting with him,
though, you're not doing anyone any favors because he's
learning that 3:30am is a *really* great time with Dad,
and he will continue to make sure he wakes to do it again.

Best wishes,
Ericka

No 3:30 is quiet time. I feed him, do a diaper change and maybe
another feeding if he's still hungery. Then hopefully he falls asleep.
Lights are low and I try not to speak to him much and try to make
everything boring. I do all this in the living room.

What about the times he doesn't fall asleep? Sometimes rocking isn't
enough. I've taken him for a car ride and that manages to put him to
sleep almost everytime and sometimes just putting him in the car seat
does it. Is that training him that night time is sleep time even with
all of that commotion? I really want him to get the message that night
is for sleeping established asap.

I would put him back in a bassinet or PNP and leave him be, preferably in a
room that you are not in. If he can see you, or knows that you are there,
he's going to want to stay awake, even at this tiny young age. If there is
NO stimulation (either alone in their room, or in the bassinet next to your
bed with dw sleeping soundly) they get bored quickly and will go back to
sleep.

I would not be doing car rides at 3am, although I wouldn't be opposed to
letting him sleep in his car seat for a while if that seemed to be most
comfortable for him and helps put him to sleep. Also, do you swaddle him
still? Very young babies tend to love swaddling, as it reminds them of the
womb, and it helps keep their arms and legs still. Their nervous system is
still developing, and it can make them jerk or shake, which can wake them
up. So wrapping them up tightly can really help calm them down and go to
sleep quickly.

While I'm on the subject, does it matter where he falls asleep at?
When do we put him in his own crib in his own room at night? I'm
thinking of having him take naps in his real crib while having him in
the portable crib in our room at night until one month.

No, it doesn't matter. We have a 2 story house, and we had a bassinet in
our room, the crib in her room, and another bassinet downstairs in the
family room. During the day I put the baby to sleep in the bassinet so that
I could see her while I was doing stuff. Sometimes I let her sleep on the
floor on a blanket. Sometimes in her swing or bouncy seat. Basically,
where ever she was that she fell asleep, she stayed, especially for those
first 3-6 months. In the evening, she'd go upstairs to our room and the
bassinet. Our first daughter stayed in our room for 6 weeks, and the second
one we moved at 10 weeks. When we moved them to their rooms at night, we
switched them to the crib. I think in the week or two before we made the
move, we began laying the baby in the crib awake during the day and letting
the "play" and stare at the mobile, and get used to it. Then we did a few
naps in the crib, and then we moved them.

For us the "when do we move them to their own rooms" was based on at what
point that we were actually hindering baby's sleep, and vise versa. I
became so in tune to the baby, and such a light sleeper, than the moment the
baby would jostle or whimper, I'd scoop her up to feed and change her. But
sometimes she wasn't actually awake yet, and I'd end up waking her up. But
she wasn't hungry since it wasn't her idea to wake up, etc. I realized that
if I did nothing when I heard her the first time, often times she'd fall
back into deep sleep and go for another hour. It was at that point that we
decided to move them, and it worked out well for us.
--

Jamie
Earth Angels:
Taylor Marlys -- 01/03/03
Addison Grace -- 09/30/04

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wrote:
On Jun 19, 11:39 am, Ericka Kammerer wrote:
wrote:
Jamie,
If I go back to sleep I would only get a couple hours in. Then I'd
wake up and be very groogy. I tried that a few times and prefer just
to stay up. I can also eat breakfast and get a few things done around
the house. I can also get a little dad time alone with my handsome
conehead son.
If you mean by "time alone" that you're cuddling
quietly in the dark while he eats or falls back asleep,
that's one thing. If you're really interacting with him,
though, you're not doing anyone any favors because he's
learning that 3:30am is a *really* great time with Dad,
and he will continue to make sure he wakes to do it again.

No 3:30 is quiet time. I feed him, do a diaper change and maybe
another feeding if he's still hungery. Then hopefully he falls asleep.
Lights are low and I try not to speak to him much and try to make
everything boring. I do all this in the living room.

What about the times he doesn't fall asleep? Sometimes rocking isn't
enough. I've taken him for a car ride and that manages to put him to
sleep almost everytime and sometimes just putting him in the car seat
does it. Is that training him that night time is sleep time even with
all of that commotion? I really want him to get the message that night
is for sleeping established asap.

I think there's always a tension. There's where you want
him to be with his sleep habits, and where he is, and you can't
always get there in a straight line. I think the main thing is
that you're always trying to keep things as close to where you
want them to be as you can. If you've tried all the less drastic
measures and he's still fussy and a car ride will do the trick,
by all means, take the car ride. If you can get by without even
turning on a light or taking him out of his room, that's better,
but if that doesn't do it, what are you going to do?! ;-)
Also, he's still so very, very young. He isn't all
settled in his routine yet and it's normal for him to have his
nights and days mixed up in the beginning. So, it's nothing to
worry about that he isn't there yet. You just want to be heading
*towards* your desired end state, rather than introducing things
that lead you *away* from your desired end state.

While I'm on the subject, does it matter where he falls asleep at?
When do we put him in his own crib in his own room at night? I'm
thinking of having him take naps in his real crib while having him in
the portable crib in our room at night until one month.

I don't think that matters in the least. I think when
they get older (substantially older), your comings and goings
start to disturb them a bit, but that won't happen for quite a
while yet. Mine were in a cradle in our room for 6, 3, and
8 months, respectively, and all slept quite well. That doesn't
mean it will work for every baby, but I think it's quite unlikely
that you'll have a problem with him in your room for the first
few months at least.

Best wishes,
Ericka

For us the "when do we move them to their own rooms" was based on at what
point that we were actually hindering baby's sleep, and vise versa.

This is exactly what we did, it turned out to be about 4mths with one
and 2 with the other. However, the current advice for protection against
SIDS is for baby to sleep in the parents room (not the parents bed) for
the first 6mths. Of course this may not be the absolute perfect thing
and the debate on whether safe cosleeping is safer or less safe is an
ongoing debate. The problem is, that SIDS isn't the only thing that
kills children, car and household accidents also kill or seriously
injure, so there often becomes a point where getting sleep is more
important, the fact it may slightly increase the SIDS risk to move them
to their own room is negated by the other benefits.

Cheers

Anne