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#101
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no toys please
Stephanie wrote:
I have a sister whose twins and third child have birthdays within 5 days of each other. Each gets their own cake according to their own design. And while they have one party, the get to invite their own friends. They each get to pick some games at the party... All my kids have birthdays in the same month. I have had one 'party' but each kid got a personal cake on their exact day. My plan from here on out is to have one family party (small) and they (two olders) will share a kid party as long as that makes sense. It might not as they get older as they are two years apart. The twins will probably share a kid party as well. One cake, I'm a meany and we are already drowning in cake by the end of the month. My brother and I shared a party until we were old enough to have very specific and individual friends. We liked having one big party. -- Nikki mama to 4 boys. |
#102
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no toys please
"Banty" wrote in message ... In article , Tori M says... Once I realized the real etiquette rules and the reasons for them, I was free finally to clean out my attic of some really useless stuff. Chachkis and kookie-cheepie-crafty things my mother would be horrified if she knew I gave them away (although they came from other relatives). On the other hand, learning that re-gifting is just fine allowed me to feel that much better about a (actually very useful!) wallet a friend gave me, unbeknownst to her there was still something in a corner of the wallet which revealed it was briefly used. Well I have a *personal* problem with re-gifting is that I personally worry that I might accidentally re-gift somethng back to the person who gave it to me. Rather than take that chance, being a flake and all, I don't do it. Otherwise I think it is neat. She wasn't breaking a rule or 'cheating' me - it was a wonderful and useful gift, good quality; right color; my favorite wallet style. Before, I would have felt all cheated about it, due to my upbringing. And I can say "thank you" with more real feeling about the intent when the gift is a miss, without feeling like I have to decide "what the heck am I going to do with THIS". I also found it easier to give presents, too, not feeling like I had to find the absolutedly-perfectedly-uniquely-super present all the time. I can go get a gift card if the special inspiration isn't there (or out of my reach) without feeling like a total chump. Before - sometimes I'd end up not giving *anything* as time ran out. Liberation in both receiving and giving gifts. Re-focus on the giving itself. Less clutter in both our spaces and our souls. It's a Good Thing. Banty |
#103
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no toys please
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#104
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no toys please
Ericka Kammerer wrote:
But it is not their job to do this. It is *your* job as a giver to figure it out. And really, it's not even a very difficult job. You can just call or email the parent to ask, or ask the child, or have your child ask the child, or any number of other things. If the relationship is so non-existent that there isn't any reasonably convenient way to communicate about this, I would submit that perhaps the relationship is not so close as to necessitate attendance at the party. I often attend parties for children that I do not know well but I know their parents. I don't have the time to figure out what a 12 yr old girl might want, for example, life is busy. I do tend to call or email to ask for suggestions and appreciate them when they're given. |
#105
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no toys please
In article , Tori M says...
Yes that would be. And completely pointless and unecessary. Banty BUT it would be far more honest then "etiquette" seems to be. Honesty - to what end? There's no lying involved, just that not everything has to be revealed. It's like how things pertaining to physical appearance or taste in clothes don't have to be pointed out. "Your tie is ugly." - what possible purpose would that serve. Gosh we can't hurt the givers feelings and we can't ask people to follow our home rules but it it is perfectly reasonable to let people waist their money on something you know is not wanted. ? House rules? A gift is an expression of feeling and regard. It's only "wasted" if you think it has to actually supply the recipient with something they would have gotten for themselves each and every time. Gifts are not catalog orders. It seems far more polite to be upfront and steer people away from what you don't want to begin with. Polite how? What do they get out of it? It isn't like they are doing what my Great Aunts family did after she died. Cash gifts only. I'd wager that's what finally happened because the other 'etiquette' rules weren't working well. After all, it's just this idea of confusing gifts and specifying supplies taken to the logical end. Banty |
#106
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no toys please
Boliath wrote:
Ericka Kammerer wrote: But it is not their job to do this. It is *your* job as a giver to figure it out. And really, it's not even a very difficult job. You can just call or email the parent to ask, or ask the child, or have your child ask the child, or any number of other things. If the relationship is so non-existent that there isn't any reasonably convenient way to communicate about this, I would submit that perhaps the relationship is not so close as to necessitate attendance at the party. I often attend parties for children that I do not know well but I know their parents. I don't have the time to figure out what a 12 yr old girl might want, for example, life is busy. I do tend to call or email to ask for suggestions and appreciate them when they're given. It's fine to call and ask. It's just not fine for someone to "push" the information out there on the invitation. If you do that, it makes it loud and clear that gifts are expected, which should never be the first impression given. It isn't *that* much more effort for you to call or email to ask, and it's fine for them to respond once you have asked. It's just not ok to put out a list in advance of being asked. Best wishes, Ericka |
#107
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no toys please
annie wrote:
On Jun 26, 7:39 pm, Ericka Kammerer wrote: But a polite person wouldn't ever expect a gift, nor would they expect that the prospective guest would assume they were so rude as to expect a gift, so how could a polite person feel compelled to absolve a prospective guest of a non-existent requirement? So is it polite to buy someone a book on gift giving/receiving etiquette? :-) Hee hee--tempting, isn't it! I think you can't do that if it's an obvious ham-fisted attempt to imply that they need to brush up ;-) Other times, I think it's just fine--like at college graduation (gifts of advice on how to live life as a grown-up are fairly traditional for that), or engagement (to help with the wedding planning) or certain age birthdays when it seems like an appropriate time to pass on a little wisdom. Best wishes, Ericka |
#108
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no toys please
Stephanie wrote:
I like the way you say things. Even in cases when I disagree with you, and this is not one of them, I like the way you say things. Why, thanks ma'am blush ;-) Best wishes, Ericka |
#109
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no toys please
Tori M wrote:
I think if you have a child that every night has nightmares about my little ponies you should be able to say no my little ponies. If your kid has 6 30 gallon containers of toys and you want books and puzzles instead you should be able to put that as well. Heck in that situation maybe a visit to a second hand store as a group to help donate a few buckets is in order instead ;P She isn't saying that no child should get toys, but if the parent doesn't want more toys she should be able to say so. I suppose she could always write "Any toys given will be donated to whatever group" But that seems rude to me. Neither is appropriate. If someone calls to ask what she likes, you can say, "Oh, she loves dressup and books, but My Little Pony gives her nightmares." You just can't put that information out on the invitation, declaring to all and sundry that not only do you expect gifts, but you're going to be particular about what sorts of gifts. When people come back with, "Well, what about these undesirable gifts?" the answer is simply that there isn't any right to receive only gifts you want--and certainly not a right that trumps the responsibility to be modest and not appear to expect gifts. You have the right to get rid of any gifts (discreetly, without making some sort of big announcement in the invitation or elsewhere). You are under no obligation to keep any gift. What you do with it after you've properly thanked the giver is entirely your own business. Is it wasteful to "allow" someone to give you an unwanted gift? Perhaps, though if that bothers you, you can always pass the gift along to someone who wants it, or sell it, or recycle it, or whatever instead of throwing it away. I don't have a lot of sympathy for the argument, "Oh, but Aunt Bess would surely have wanted me to have something I could use!" Well, if Aunt Bess was so all-fired concerned about that, she'd have asked around a bit and found out what you really wanted. If she wasn't successful, then it was either an honest mistake (which can happen to anyone) or she didn't feel like expending the effort (which is kind of silly, but is her prerogative and not one you have the right to usurp by launching a preemptive strike to make sure she gets the right thing). Having a birthday party (or a wedding, or an anniversary, or a shower, or whatever) is not a right that everyone has for the purpose of acquiring the toys (or other items) one wants. If one wants certain things, one is responsible for acquiring them on one's own. If folks happen to give gifts, that's lovely. If on top of that, they happen to be just what one wants, then that's even nicer...but it's a happy surprise, not an entitlement. Best wishes, Ericka |
#110
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no toys please
Tori M wrote:
I think she could thank the giver politely then donate the toys. That would be more proper and needy children would get new toys. We donate new toys all the time, usually toys my own kids don't want but are perfectly good and someone is bound to treasure them. In my family that would be taken very badly. If my aunt gave me a toy she would ask how I liked it later. It is rude to follow up to see what someone does with a gift (in most cases). You (the recipient) are on the hook to thank the giver promptly and appropriately. If asked later, you can say that you were grateful for the gift/it was very thoughtful/ etc. If my mom said she donated it to whatever charity it would be the last toy received from them. It is never appropriate to tell the giver you disposed of the gift or returned it or whatever. Similarly, it is rude of the giver to put you in a bad position by asking what you did with it. If they wanted to donate a toy they would have done so. Just like gifts of money dry up if you spend it on bills. Birthday money is found money and is NEVER spent on mundane things. I would much rather get a note saying don't buy whatever then to find out later a gift I spent time to choose went to a thrift store. Then it's your business to do your homework well before you purchase the gift. If it is your priority as a giver to get something that the person wants, then you do the work to find out what that might be. Expecting those who receive gifts from you to treasure them forever just because you gave them, even if they don't want or use them, is ridiculous and what leads to cluttered homes and lives. You do your part as a giver and try to give something that will please them. You can even ask them what they'd like. They do their job as a recipient, which is to avoid issuing a list of demands to anyone and to thank those who chose to give gifts promptly and sincerely...and then do whatever suits them with the gift. Best wishes, Ericka |
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