no toys please

Stephanie wrote:

I have a sister whose twins and third child have birthdays within 5 days of
each other. Each gets their own cake according to their own design. And
while they have one party, the get to invite their own friends. They each
get to pick some games at the party...

All my kids have birthdays in the same month. I have had one 'party'
but each kid got a personal cake on their exact day. My plan from here
on out is to have one family party (small) and they (two olders) will
share a kid party as long as that makes sense. It might not as they get
older as they are two years apart. The twins will probably share a kid
party as well. One cake, I'm a meany and we are already drowning in
cake by the end of the month.

My brother and I shared a party until we were old enough to have very
specific and individual friends. We liked having one big party.
--

Nikki mama to 4 boys.

"Banty" wrote in message
...
In article , Tori M
says...

Once I realized the real etiquette rules and the reasons for them, I was
free
finally to clean out my attic of some really useless stuff. Chachkis and
kookie-cheepie-crafty things my mother would be horrified if she knew I
gave
them away (although they came from other relatives). On the other hand,
learning that re-gifting is just fine allowed me to feel that much better
about
a (actually very useful!) wallet a friend gave me, unbeknownst to her
there was
still something in a corner of the wallet which revealed it was briefly
used.


Well I have a *personal* problem with re-gifting is that I personally worry
that I might accidentally re-gift somethng back to the person who gave it to
me. Rather than take that chance, being a flake and all, I don't do it.
Otherwise I think it is neat.

She wasn't breaking a rule or 'cheating' me - it was a wonderful and
useful
gift, good quality; right color; my favorite wallet style. Before, I
would have
felt all cheated about it, due to my upbringing.

And I can say "thank you" with more real feeling about the intent when the
gift
is a miss, without feeling like I have to decide "what the heck am I going
to do
with THIS".

I also found it easier to give presents, too, not feeling like I had to
find the
absolutedly-perfectedly-uniquely-super present all the time. I can go get
a
gift card if the special inspiration isn't there (or out of my reach)
without
feeling like a total chump. Before - sometimes I'd end up not giving
*anything*
as time ran out.

Liberation in both receiving and giving gifts. Re-focus on the giving
itself.
Less clutter in both our spaces and our souls. It's a Good Thing.

Banty

wrote:
On Jun 26, 12:14 pm, "Stephanie" wrote:

I think that mention of what gift to give smacks of greed. The onus for
chosing a gift that the recipient would like belongs with the giver, and it
is that which makes the giving fun. If the recipient wants something in
particular, then they can go buy it, save for it, moan for it... whatever.


On the contrary, I prefer this. Gives me an idea on what to get.

Same here.

I'm not going to turn up to a childs party empty handed (unless the
parents have asked for no gifts, which is quite common in my experience)
often I find it it difficult to buy a gift for a child who is older than
my own, I don't know what they might want or need or what would be
absolutely naff to give them, some direction is very useful.

Ericka Kammerer wrote:

But it is not their job to do this. It is *your* job
as a giver to figure it out. And really, it's not even a very
difficult job. You can just call or email the parent to ask, or
ask the child, or have your child ask the child, or any number
of other things. If the relationship is so non-existent that
there isn't any reasonably convenient way to communicate about
this, I would submit that perhaps the relationship is not so
close as to necessitate attendance at the party.

I often attend parties for children that I do not know well but I know
their parents. I don't have the time to figure out what a 12 yr old girl
might want, for example, life is busy. I do tend to call or email to ask
for suggestions and appreciate them when they're given.

In article , Tori M says...


Yes that would be. And completely pointless and unecessary.

Banty

BUT it would be far more honest then "etiquette" seems to be.

Honesty - to what end? There's no lying involved, just that not everything has
to be revealed. It's like how things pertaining to physical appearance or taste
in clothes don't have to be pointed out. "Your tie is ugly." - what possible
purpose would that serve.

Gosh we
can't hurt the givers feelings and we can't ask people to follow our
home rules but it it is perfectly reasonable to let people waist their
money on something you know is not wanted.

? House rules?

A gift is an expression of feeling and regard. It's only "wasted" if you think
it has to actually supply the recipient with something they would have gotten
for themselves each and every time. Gifts are not catalog orders.

It seems far more polite to
be upfront and steer people away from what you don't want to begin with.

Polite how? What do they get out of it?

It isn't like they are doing what my Great Aunts family did after she
died. Cash gifts only.

I'd wager that's what finally happened because the other 'etiquette' rules
weren't working well. After all, it's just this idea of confusing gifts and
specifying supplies taken to the logical end.

Banty

Boliath wrote:
Ericka Kammerer wrote:

But it is not their job to do this. It is *your* job
as a giver to figure it out. And really, it's not even a very
difficult job. You can just call or email the parent to ask, or
ask the child, or have your child ask the child, or any number
of other things. If the relationship is so non-existent that
there isn't any reasonably convenient way to communicate about
this, I would submit that perhaps the relationship is not so
close as to necessitate attendance at the party.

I often attend parties for children that I do not know well but I know
their parents. I don't have the time to figure out what a 12 yr old girl
might want, for example, life is busy. I do tend to call or email to ask
for suggestions and appreciate them when they're given.

It's fine to call and ask. It's just not fine for
someone to "push" the information out there on the invitation.
If you do that, it makes it loud and clear that gifts are
expected, which should never be the first impression given.
It isn't *that* much more effort for you to call or email to
ask, and it's fine for them to respond once you have asked.
It's just not ok to put out a list in advance of being asked.

Best wishes,
Ericka

annie wrote:
On Jun 26, 7:39 pm, Ericka Kammerer wrote:
But a polite person wouldn't ever expect a gift, nor
would they expect that the prospective guest would assume they
were so rude as to expect a gift, so how could a polite person
feel compelled to absolve a prospective guest of a non-existent
requirement?

So is it polite to buy someone a book on gift giving/receiving
etiquette? :-)

Hee hee--tempting, isn't it! I think you can't do
that if it's an obvious ham-fisted attempt to imply that they
need to brush up ;-) Other times, I think it's just fine--like
at college graduation (gifts of advice on how to live life as a grown-up
are fairly traditional for that), or engagement (to help with
the wedding planning) or certain age birthdays when it seems like
an appropriate time to pass on a little wisdom.

Best wishes,
Ericka

Stephanie wrote:

I like the way you say things. Even in cases when I disagree with you, and
this is not one of them, I like the way you say things.

Why, thanks ma'am blush ;-)

Best wishes,
Ericka

Tori M wrote:

I think if you have a child that every night has nightmares about my
little ponies you should be able to say no my little ponies. If your
kid has 6 30 gallon containers of toys and you want books and puzzles
instead you should be able to put that as well. Heck in that situation
maybe a visit to a second hand store as a group to help donate a few
buckets is in order instead ;P She isn't saying that no child should
get toys, but if the parent doesn't want more toys she should be able to
say so.

I suppose she could always write "Any toys given will be donated to
whatever group" But that seems rude to me.

Neither is appropriate. If someone calls to ask what
she likes, you can say, "Oh, she loves dressup and books, but
My Little Pony gives her nightmares." You just can't put that
information out on the invitation, declaring to all and sundry
that not only do you expect gifts, but you're going to be particular
about what sorts of gifts.
When people come back with, "Well, what about these
undesirable gifts?" the answer is simply that there isn't any
right to receive only gifts you want--and certainly not a right
that trumps the responsibility to be modest and not appear to
expect gifts. You have the right to get rid of any gifts
(discreetly, without making some sort of big announcement in
the invitation or elsewhere). You are under no obligation to
keep any gift. What you do with it after you've properly thanked
the giver is entirely your own business. Is it wasteful to "allow"
someone to give you an unwanted gift? Perhaps, though if that
bothers you, you can always pass the gift along to someone who
wants it, or sell it, or recycle it, or whatever instead of
throwing it away. I don't have a lot of sympathy for the
argument, "Oh, but Aunt Bess would surely have wanted me to
have something I could use!" Well, if Aunt Bess was so all-fired
concerned about that, she'd have asked around a bit and found
out what you really wanted. If she wasn't successful, then it
was either an honest mistake (which can happen to anyone) or
she didn't feel like expending the effort (which is kind of
silly, but is her prerogative and not one you have the right
to usurp by launching a preemptive strike to make sure she gets
the right thing).
Having a birthday party (or a wedding, or an anniversary,
or a shower, or whatever) is not a right that everyone has
for the purpose of acquiring the toys (or other items) one wants.
If one wants certain things, one is responsible for
acquiring them on one's own. If folks happen to give gifts, that's
lovely. If on top of that, they happen to be just what one wants,
then that's even nicer...but it's a happy surprise, not an entitlement.

Best wishes,
Ericka

Tori M wrote:

I think she could thank the giver politely then donate the toys. That
would be more proper and needy children would get new toys. We donate
new
toys all the time, usually toys my own kids don't want but are perfectly
good and someone is bound to treasure them.

In my family that would be taken very badly. If my aunt gave me a toy
she would ask how I liked it later.

It is rude to follow up to see what someone does with a
gift (in most cases). You (the recipient) are on the hook to
thank the giver promptly and appropriately. If asked later, you
can say that you were grateful for the gift/it was very thoughtful/
etc.

If my mom said she donated it to
whatever charity it would be the last toy received from them.

It is never appropriate to tell the giver you disposed
of the gift or returned it or whatever. Similarly, it is rude
of the giver to put you in a bad position by asking what you
did with it.

If they
wanted to donate a toy they would have done so. Just like gifts of
money dry up if you spend it on bills. Birthday money is found money
and is NEVER spent on mundane things. I would much rather get a note
saying don't buy whatever then to find out later a gift I spent time to
choose went to a thrift store.

Then it's your business to do your homework well before
you purchase the gift. If it is your priority as a giver to get
something that the person wants, then you do the work to find out
what that might be. Expecting those who receive gifts from you
to treasure them forever just because you gave them, even if
they don't want or use them, is ridiculous and what leads to
cluttered homes and lives. You do your part as a giver and
try to give something that will please them. You can even ask
them what they'd like. They do their job as a recipient, which
is to avoid issuing a list of demands to anyone and to thank those
who chose to give gifts promptly and sincerely...and then do
whatever suits them with the gift.

Best wishes,
Ericka