have you had a terrible birth experience

Hi Welches

You saying that about the midwifes saying that push was good blah blah I can
absolutly agree with you because i'm sure on one of my pushes they said that
and thinking back i can't see the difference. I believe that they were not
as good with me because they knew she was being taken into care so they
probably put me down as a bad mother which was wasting their time and like
i've said that won't be happening this time as I can't see them saying well
you can have that child but not that one because that would be mental. I'll
also be telling social workers myself that i'm pregnant when the time comes
so there's no chance of a late referal like last time which happened 4 weeks
i think b4 I was due and they used that and said they didnt have time to do
proper assessments. They'll proberbly try and put some support in some where
and I welcome that with open arms honestly I do. Joanna now goes to nursery
once a week but my new social worker wants her to go more as he thinks it'll
do her well and do me good to have some time to myself and he's trying to
sort out funding for that so i'm not arguing if they want to pay for it.

I'm trying to counsil myself to get over the labour fear and i'm sure i'm
just going to go for it.

april

"Welches" wrote in message
...

"april & co" wrote in message
...
Hi to all three of you.

Joanna was actually my 3rd birth and she was the hardest and worse
delievery ever.
snip
(((hugs)))
What was the spacing between #2 and Joanna? I've a vague memory of someone
saying that if you have a spacing of more than about 5 years often the
delivery is more like a first delivery. (I've no references for this, but
I'm sure someone told me that at some point and they might be wrong too)
I don't expect it helped having all the stress that came up just before
she was born either-it all came up just before she was born didn't it? I
know in labour if I am just concentrating on getting through the
contractions then I cope much better than if I'm not totally focused. I'm
sure if I'd been in your situation then I wouldn't have been able to focus
well.
Particularly with #2 I absolutely dreaded the labour through the pregnancy
and it didn't match up to my expectations. In fact the only labour I
didn't go into dreading and thinking it would be awful was my first, which
was :-)
I know what you mean about the midwives getting frustrated and saying
you're not pushing properly. I've had that, and it's really disheartening
when you think you've just done a good push. Actually when they said I was
pushing well, I really couldn't tell what I was doing differently.
In this area you can ask for a midwife to go over your labour notes and
give you suggestions on how to make it better "next" time. Ask your GP if
you can do this. I didn't do it, but I know people who did who found it
gave them more confidence to get pregnant again.
I can't say that the next labour for you will be easy/easier, but I
suspect it will be in a lot of ways because you won't have the worry of
baby being taken from you. It may be emotional for you, thinking about
Joanna and what happened then, but it shouldn't happen again. (and if it
does we'll get a misc.kids delegation to march over to Wales to duff them
up...)
Debbie

april & co wrote:

I'm trying to counsil myself to get over the labour fear and i'm sure i'm
just going to go for it.

At some point that's what you do. I would suggest, however,
that you do *some* thinking about what *you* could do differently.
How would you choose caregivers differently? What questions would
you ask? What things would you be looking for in a birth location?
While you can't necessarily fix everything, you can learn some
lessons from the past and use that information to help you make
choices in the future that will help create a better experience
next time.
I think you are probably right that there were things
working against you last time that won't be an issue next time,
but there's no guarantee that that will be enough to get you
the experience you want. Grab the bull by the horns and be
proactive about getting what you want. You deserve that.

Best wishes,
Ericka

April,
You may want to talk to your social worker now, before you get pregnant, and
ask them if you need to be assessed again, etc. Let them know you are
thinking about having another, but want to make sure that everything goes as
smoothly as possible this time, etc. They may well say that you are done
with everything and as far as they are concerned are like any other normal
woman/citizen, in terms of not having to notify social services of a
pregnancy and things like that. Or, they will tell you that you will always
be on their "watch list" and should inform them of each pregnancy, that
you'll have to be assessed every time, etc. But if you approach them first
and ask the questions, it can better help you know what is expected and to
do the correct things, but it also let's them know that you are responsible
and looking ahead to the future and trying to be a good citizen, rather than
just plugging along, clueless. My experience shows that when you go out of
your way to show yourself to be responsible, doors open much more easily
than when people assume that you are not, and you don't do anything to let
them know that you are wrong. So just asking the question of what happens
in a future pregnancy may actually change the outcome...
--

Jamie
Earth Angels:
Taylor Marlys -- 01/03/03
Addison Grace -- 09/30/04


"april & co" wrote in message
...
Hi Welches

You saying that about the midwifes saying that push was good blah blah I
can absolutly agree with you because i'm sure on one of my pushes they
said that and thinking back i can't see the difference. I believe that
they were not as good with me because they knew she was being taken into
care so they probably put me down as a bad mother which was wasting their
time and like i've said that won't be happening this time as I can't see
them saying well you can have that child but not that one because that
would be mental. I'll also be telling social workers myself that i'm
pregnant when the time comes so there's no chance of a late referal like
last time which happened 4 weeks i think b4 I was due and they used that
and said they didnt have time to do proper assessments. They'll proberbly
try and put some support in some where and I welcome that with open arms
honestly I do. Joanna now goes to nursery once a week but my new social
worker wants her to go more as he thinks it'll do her well and do me good
to have some time to myself and he's trying to sort out funding for that
so i'm not arguing if they want to pay for it.

I'm trying to counsil myself to get over the labour fear and i'm sure i'm
just going to go for it.

april

"Welches" wrote in message
...

"april & co" wrote in message
...
Hi to all three of you.

Joanna was actually my 3rd birth and she was the hardest and worse
delievery ever.
snip
(((hugs)))
What was the spacing between #2 and Joanna? I've a vague memory of
someone saying that if you have a spacing of more than about 5 years
often the delivery is more like a first delivery. (I've no references for
this, but I'm sure someone told me that at some point and they might be
wrong too)
I don't expect it helped having all the stress that came up just before
she was born either-it all came up just before she was born didn't it? I
know in labour if I am just concentrating on getting through the
contractions then I cope much better than if I'm not totally focused. I'm
sure if I'd been in your situation then I wouldn't have been able to
focus well.
Particularly with #2 I absolutely dreaded the labour through the
pregnancy and it didn't match up to my expectations. In fact the only
labour I didn't go into dreading and thinking it would be awful was my
first, which was :-)
I know what you mean about the midwives getting frustrated and saying
you're not pushing properly. I've had that, and it's really disheartening
when you think you've just done a good push. Actually when they said I
was pushing well, I really couldn't tell what I was doing differently.
In this area you can ask for a midwife to go over your labour notes and
give you suggestions on how to make it better "next" time. Ask your GP if
you can do this. I didn't do it, but I know people who did who found it
gave them more confidence to get pregnant again.
I can't say that the next labour for you will be easy/easier, but I
suspect it will be in a lot of ways because you won't have the worry of
baby being taken from you. It may be emotional for you, thinking about
Joanna and what happened then, but it shouldn't happen again. (and if it
does we'll get a misc.kids delegation to march over to Wales to duff them
up...)
Debbie

"Ericka Kammerer" wrote in message
. ..
april & co wrote:

I'm trying to counsil myself to get over the labour fear and i'm sure i'm
just going to go for it.

At some point that's what you do. I would suggest, however,
that you do *some* thinking about what *you* could do differently.
How would you choose caregivers differently? What questions would
you ask? What things would you be looking for in a birth location?
While you can't necessarily fix everything, you can learn some
lessons from the past and use that information to help you make
choices in the future that will help create a better experience
next time.
Just to say, April's in the UK and you don't get as many choices as in USA
without going private (which is costly). You can choose a different hospital
but realistically very few people I know haven't used the nearest (although
it is good here which will make a difference) You don't really choose your
caregivers either usually you're assigned a GP practice and you'll get the
care connected with that or the local hospital. Depends on the area as to
how much choice you can have, here they're fairly relaxed, but my sister's
area is much more prescriptive.
Debbie

I think you are probably right that there were things
working against you last time that won't be an issue next time,
but there's no guarantee that that will be enough to get you
the experience you want. Grab the bull by the horns and be
proactive about getting what you want. You deserve that.

Best wishes,
Ericka

Welches wrote:
"Ericka Kammerer" wrote in message
. ..
april & co wrote:

I'm trying to counsil myself to get over the labour fear and i'm sure i'm
just going to go for it.
At some point that's what you do. I would suggest, however,
that you do *some* thinking about what *you* could do differently.
How would you choose caregivers differently? What questions would
you ask? What things would you be looking for in a birth location?
While you can't necessarily fix everything, you can learn some
lessons from the past and use that information to help you make
choices in the future that will help create a better experience
next time.
Just to say, April's in the UK and you don't get as many choices as in USA
without going private (which is costly). You can choose a different hospital
but realistically very few people I know haven't used the nearest (although
it is good here which will make a difference) You don't really choose your
caregivers either usually you're assigned a GP practice and you'll get the
care connected with that or the local hospital. Depends on the area as to
how much choice you can have, here they're fairly relaxed, but my sister's
area is much more prescriptive.

Even when your choices are limited, you can still make
choices about what you request, how you interact with folks, etc.
Even that can make a big difference sometimes.

Best wishes,
Ericka

Even when your choices are limited, you can still make
choices about what you request, how you interact with folks, etc.
Even that can make a big difference sometimes.

It's definitely true, that you can get likely what you want/need, it's
just a very different way, I'll just compare US to UK for now, but it
seems in the US, the important thing is choosing your care provider,
this can then lead to a situation where women have thought about this,
then slacken off and if something takes them by surprise during birth,
then the are not so prepared to act for themselves, whereas in the UK
you don't really have the choice, you can refuse to have particular
individuals care for you, but beyond that you take pot luck and in any
locality there is likely to be quite similar care, rather than many
choices, though this can very quite a lot across the country - so there
are consultant led units with very low c-section rates, and others with
very high, a lot of how things are will depend on area - so that is one
where some get a choice, technically everyone has the choice which
hospital to book with (planned homebirths are still linked to a given
hospital), but for most the distances make it not practical, but in
London there is plenty of choice, varying from hospitals with
ludicrously high c-section rates to the Albany group of midwives who
some year have had homebirth rates over 50%.

Another big difference is something like vbac planning, even if you are
pressured for repeat c-section, if you don't give the consent, you will
still get care for the birth, no firing of patients for not complying!
C-section for breech is still very high, but again, the women has
absolute refusal and if you don't consent, they have to provide skilled
care for you, whereas in the US it seems almost impossible to do this,
independent midwives are generally the ones attending in the UK, whereas
the US equivalent, even though the law doesn't usually forbid it, the
boundaries are difficult to work around.

I find it amazing how great the differences are and there are so many
situations where the information and suggestions you produce for a women
in the US are radically different to the US, take the breech example, in
the UK the best advice if you want to have a vaginal birth is find an IM
who is happy attending breech births, in the US, it's shop around for
someone with a good success rate for ECV.

Cheers
Anne

Anne Rogers wrote:

Even when your choices are limited, you can still make
choices about what you request, how you interact with folks, etc.
Even that can make a big difference sometimes.

It's definitely true, that you can get likely what you want/need, it's
just a very different way,

Absolutely, the mechanics, challenges, boundaries, etc.
are different. The key, though, is to be knowledgeable and
proactive, and I think you can do that in any system (though
perhaps to differing degrees). I think it's all well and
good to "hope for the best," but it's much more effective if
you actually *do* something different, if you want to achieve
a different result. You certainly don't get to control everything
about childbirth, so you can't guarantee a particular result
no matter where you are or what you do, but even something
as simple as knowing what you want and asking for it can make
a *huge* difference over "going with the flow" and hoping it
all works out better this time.

Best wishes,
Ericka

On Aug 6, 8:44 am, "april & co"
wrote:
Have any of you had a terrible birth experience where you went on to have
another one? If so what was the experience and what was the experience that
followed the bad experience?

April

While I had a terrible birth experience with Alexander, I haven't had
another yet. Yes, he will be 6 years old next month, and no sibling
yet. We're getting much closer to that decision, but I have to admit,
I'm still a bit petrified. I know which midwife I'll be using, which
hospital will be our back-up, where to rent the inflatable pool for
here at home, etc., so I have made great decisions so that next time
will be different.

My problem is that I'm petrified that *something* will happen to make
me end up in the hospital again and have a baby in the NICU again.
It's not the NICU itself that scares me, it's the whole leaving my
baby at the hospital and being sent home again. We moved last year,
and I knew that the hospital that would have been our back up had a
fabulous new NICU where each baby is in its own room that includes a
bed for Mom and Dad and such, so that I wouldn't *have* to leave. The
local hospital here that I've chosen (the only one with a NICU) limits
your time with the baby during the day even. I could at least choose
to visit at any time at the last one (and often stayed for 12 hours
straight in between shift changes). This one is much more limited.
*That* scares me.

Alexander has been begging for a sibling for 3 years now. He's gone
quiet the last few months, and I have a feeling that, like my parents,
he's starting to give up on the whole sibling thing. I don't know.
Part of it is convincing my husband that we can do this again also.

Ack! I've taken over your thread and made a tangent out of it. I guess
what I'm trying to say is that after a traumatic experience, it's
perfectly normal to be scared to purposefully head into another
situation where you could feel out of control again. You just have to
do your best to make sure that a different outcome is more likely than
not and try not to let your fear rule you.

((hugs))

Sharalyn
mom to Alexander James

Absolutely, the mechanics, challenges, boundaries, etc.
are different. The key, though, is to be knowledgeable and
proactive, and I think you can do that in any system (though
perhaps to differing degrees). I think it's all well and
good to "hope for the best," but it's much more effective if
you actually *do* something different, if you want to achieve
a different result. You certainly don't get to control everything
about childbirth, so you can't guarantee a particular result
no matter where you are or what you do, but even something
as simple as knowing what you want and asking for it can make
a *huge* difference over "going with the flow" and hoping it
all works out better this time.

I think a particular challenge in the UK is that you have to be quite
vocal, even bolshy to work through some things, when in another place
you could just choose a different model of care, or a different
practitioner in the same model of care.

What does work in women's favour though is that although there is no
absolute right to anything, midwives have a duty of care, so it's
impossible to deny anyone, say, a home vbac, though it may take a lot of
fighting to get there, whereas in the US, you care provider can fire you
and some care providers are forbidden to attend vbacs (just been told
a worrying account of a women who was planning a vbac and her ob group
has gone along with it until 38 weeks, when they said no and fired her,
all they are required to do is give her an alternate ob to try, but they
won't accept her and midwives are not allowed to attend vbacs in her area).

Cheers
Anne

Hi Sharalyn

Don't worry about overtaking my thread and I completly understand your
fears. One of my fears this time is that they'll ask me to stay in hospital
for a while to be observed and I really don't want to because I don't want
to be away from my baby girl Joanna for any length of time. I've decided to
just go with it now especially after speaking to one of the social workers
who did an assessment with Joanna who said no way would they take baby off
us when it was born as there was no need as I'm doing a great job blah blah
so thats one of my fears gone, he also said that baby would not even go on
the at risk register or a care order so thats another great thing. I'm going
to be more prepared this time I think and I also think I'll be going with
the doula option as she sounded great. Good thing is all my labours seem to
be getting shorter with each baby so if I'm in mega pain for any reason then
it'll last 5hrs max hopefully and I think I can cope with that with the idea
that i'll get a precious baby at the end of it which I won't need to share
with any other woman on this planet. I'll be able to bring it home and do
normal mummy things which will be superduperfabtasticwonderful. Sorry ladies
there will be no conga march with this baby LOL.

April the prooven super mummy.

Xxx

"sharalyns" wrote in message
oups.com...
On Aug 6, 8:44 am, "april & co"
wrote:
Have any of you had a terrible birth experience where you went on to have
another one? If so what was the experience and what was the experience
that
followed the bad experience?

April

While I had a terrible birth experience with Alexander, I haven't had
another yet. Yes, he will be 6 years old next month, and no sibling
yet. We're getting much closer to that decision, but I have to admit,
I'm still a bit petrified. I know which midwife I'll be using, which
hospital will be our back-up, where to rent the inflatable pool for
here at home, etc., so I have made great decisions so that next time
will be different.

My problem is that I'm petrified that *something* will happen to make
me end up in the hospital again and have a baby in the NICU again.
It's not the NICU itself that scares me, it's the whole leaving my
baby at the hospital and being sent home again. We moved last year,
and I knew that the hospital that would have been our back up had a
fabulous new NICU where each baby is in its own room that includes a
bed for Mom and Dad and such, so that I wouldn't *have* to leave. The
local hospital here that I've chosen (the only one with a NICU) limits
your time with the baby during the day even. I could at least choose
to visit at any time at the last one (and often stayed for 12 hours
straight in between shift changes). This one is much more limited.
*That* scares me.

Alexander has been begging for a sibling for 3 years now. He's gone
quiet the last few months, and I have a feeling that, like my parents,
he's starting to give up on the whole sibling thing. I don't know.
Part of it is convincing my husband that we can do this again also.

Ack! I've taken over your thread and made a tangent out of it. I guess
what I'm trying to say is that after a traumatic experience, it's
perfectly normal to be scared to purposefully head into another
situation where you could feel out of control again. You just have to
do your best to make sure that a different outcome is more likely than
not and try not to let your fear rule you.

((hugs))

Sharalyn
mom to Alexander James