UPDATE: playgroup fiasco

Catherine Woodgold wrote:


If it's a racial thing: Here's an idea for how to handle it
but I don't know whether it's a good idea or not. You could
approach her and say fairly loudly (loud enough for others
to hear) something like "Excuse me -- I'd like to find out
whether you're interested in chatting with me occasionally?"
If she doesn't answer, you can say loud enough for others
to hear (but not shouting), "I feel ignored by name."
"I feel excluded by name." "I feel it's reasonable at
least to get an answer from you, yes or no, whether you're
interested in chatting." "Excuse me: are you hard of hearing?"
(said in front of her, using sign language at the same time,
but politely and sincerely)
You can look around and try to make eye contact with others
while saying these things.


Boy, I don't know about other people, but if somebody did that when I
was around, I'd probably shepherd my children out of range, since I'd
suspect the person was mentally unbalanced.

Clisby

In article .com, -L. says...


toypup wrote:

It is wrong to be unfriendly for racial reasons, even if one doesn't give
evidence of the reason. However, I think it would be wrong to confront
someone about racism when the person is merely unfriendly on the grounds
that it might be racism. People have the right to be unfriendly.

You're right - they do, but it sort of defeats the purpose of going to
a playgroup that is set up for kids to meet and play, and for Moms to
socialize.



Sure. But like anywhere else, there will be preferences as to whom someone
likes and wants to socialize with.

I don't think you can really discount the possibility that she just doesn't feel
much affinity for you, and that's all it is.

Banty

Banty wrote:
I don't think you can really discount the possibility that she just doesn't feel
much affinity for you, and that's all it is.

Banty

The whole point is, she acted this way toward me and DS from the get-go
so if this was the case there was nothing for her to base that
judgement on, other than the fact that he is black and I am white.

-L.

"-L." wrote in message
oups.com...

Banty wrote:
I don't think you can really discount the possibility that she just
doesn't feel
much affinity for you, and that's all it is.

Banty

The whole point is, she acted this way toward me and DS from the get-go
so if this was the case there was nothing for her to base that
judgement on, other than the fact that he is black and I am white.

Not saying that you're not necessarily right, but there are other things
people may judge on immediately.
An example (not that I'm accusing you of it) I can think of is someone
coming in smelling of cigarette smoke. If you have a problem with breathing
in smoke, then you may try and avoid sitting near that person. If you feel a
bit awkward then you may decide that if you try and talk to them, they may
sit down next to you meaning that you have to explain. So you don't sit
near, so you don't find out that the time she came in smelling of smoke was
because she had stood next to someone in the bus queue, etc.
Or she's a militant anti-Nesle (however you spell it-nescafe anyway) and you
had a Kitkat in your bag... I have met someone who was verging on that
silly.

Unless you have sat down next to her and tried to engage her in
conversation, I don't think you can discount the possibility that she just
doesn't warm to people quickly and keeps with the people she knows.

And if she is judging you on the colour of skin then she's not worth knowing
anyway, so I wouldn't let it worry you too much.
Debbie

In article , Welches says...


"-L." wrote in message
roups.com...

Banty wrote:
I don't think you can really discount the possibility that she just
doesn't feel
much affinity for you, and that's all it is.

Banty

The whole point is, she acted this way toward me and DS from the get-go
so if this was the case there was nothing for her to base that
judgement on, other than the fact that he is black and I am white.

Not saying that you're not necessarily right, but there are other things
people may judge on immediately.
An example (not that I'm accusing you of it) I can think of is someone
coming in smelling of cigarette smoke. If you have a problem with breathing
in smoke, then you may try and avoid sitting near that person. If you feel a
bit awkward then you may decide that if you try and talk to them, they may
sit down next to you meaning that you have to explain. So you don't sit
near, so you don't find out that the time she came in smelling of smoke was
because she had stood next to someone in the bus queue, etc.
Or she's a militant anti-Nesle (however you spell it-nescafe anyway) and you
had a Kitkat in your bag... I have met someone who was verging on that
silly.

Unless you have sat down next to her and tried to engage her in
conversation, I don't think you can discount the possibility that she just
doesn't warm to people quickly and keeps with the people she knows.

And if she is judging you on the colour of skin then she's not worth knowing
anyway, so I wouldn't let it worry you too much.
Debbie


Occurs to me that we've not come up with the most obvious advice - she can break
the ice and talk with this woman, and see if she warms up!

Banty

"-L." ) writes:
The whole point is, she acted this way toward me and DS from the get-go
so if this was the case there was nothing for her to base that
judgement on, other than the fact that he is black and I am white.

Actually, there were other things. There was the fact
that she'd never met you before. Maybe she wants about
2 or 3 friends in the playgroup, and already has those.
If her purpose is to socialize with a small number of
friends, refusing to socialize with others doesn't defeat
that purpose of hers. There may also have been things
about your manner. Maybe she only socializes with people
who walk a certain way, or move their eyes around a lot
or don't move their eyes around a lot, or something.
Maybe she just gets a feeling when she looks at someone.
Some people can read signals like that very quickly.
Maybe all she needs is to see someone walk across the
room once. I'm just saying that many things are
possible.

"-L." ) writes:
The whole point is, she acted this way toward me and DS from the get-go
so if this was the case there was nothing for her to base that
judgement on, other than the fact that he is black and I am white.

Maybe she believes she deserves to be treated like a queen
and that any newcomer should greet her first before greeting
anyone else, and maybe the first time you came you said
hello to someone else before saying hello to her, and maybe
her reaction to that is to never speak to you. I don't
think that's likely; I'm just pointing out that there are
many possibilities for the reasons for her behaviour.

Banty ) writes:
Occurs to me that we've not come up with the most obvious advice - she can break
the ice and talk with this woman, and see if she warms up!

That's what I was suggesting!

Welches wrote:

Not saying that you're not necessarily right, but there are other things
people may judge on immediately.
An example (not that I'm accusing you of it) I can think of is someone
coming in smelling of cigarette smoke. If you have a problem with breathing
in smoke, then you may try and avoid sitting near that person. If you feel a
bit awkward then you may decide that if you try and talk to them, they may
sit down next to you meaning that you have to explain. So you don't sit
near, so you don't find out that the time she came in smelling of smoke was
because she had stood next to someone in the bus queue, etc.
Or she's a militant anti-Nesle (however you spell it-nescafe anyway) and you
had a Kitkat in your bag... I have met someone who was verging on that
silly.

LOL..I see what you are saying. I am pretty "normal" looking for my
area - casual dress, and DS is always clean and well kept. I don't
smoke and don't stink, as far as I know...


Unless you have sat down next to her and tried to engage her in
conversation, I don't think you can discount the possibility that she just
doesn't warm to people quickly and keeps with the people she knows.

I have done so. You may have missed that in my OP. I have tried to
approach her as I have all the other moms - asking about her kids'
ages. She give short one or two sylable answers and then looks away.
It's really almost awkward. Most people strike up a conversation after
the inital contact.


And if she is judging you on the colour of skin then she's not worth knowing
anyway, so I wouldn't let it worry you too much.
Debbie

True, and it doesn't really worry me. I just find it very *odd*
behavior, as no one else in the playgroup acts this way. We missed
today because we are sick, so I didn't get to ask my friend if she
noticed anything strange.

-L.

Banty wrote:

Occurs to me that we've not come up with the most obvious advice - she can break
the ice and talk with this woman, and see if she warms up!

Banty

I have done so. You may have missed that in my OP. I have tried to
approach her as I have all the other moms - asking about her kids ages,
and actually, another time I complimented her on her baby's clothing
and asked the baby's name. She gives short one or two sylable answers
and then looks away. It's really almost awkward. Most people strike
up a conversation after the inital contact.

-L.