Jonathan Swift - A Modest Proposal

The end of the world - as we know it - is approaching fast, my dear
moms
and dads, so read this if you run out of money - or food :


A MODEST PROPOSAL

FOR PREVENTING THE CHILDREN OF POOR PEOPLE IN IRELAND FROM BEING A
BURDEN TO THEIR PARENTS OR COUNTRY, AND FOR MAKING THEM BENEFICIAL TO
THE PUBLIC

It is a melancholy object to those who walk through this great town or
travel in the country, when they see the streets, the roads, and cabin
doors, crowded with beggars of the female sex, followed by three, four,
or six children, all in rags and importuning every passenger for an
alms. These mothers, instead of being able to work for their honest
livelihood, are forced to employ all their time in strolling to beg
sustenance for their helpless infants: who as they grow up either turn
thieves for want of work, or leave their dear native country to fight
for the Pretender in Spain, or sell themselves to the Barbadoes.

I think it is agreed by all parties that this prodigious number of
children in the arms, or on the backs, or at the heels of their
mothers, and frequently of their fathers, is in the present deplorable
state of the kingdom a very great additional grievance; and, therefore,
whoever could find out a fair, cheap, and easy method of making these
children sound, useful members of the commonwealth, would deserve so
well of the public as to have his statue set up for a preserver of the
nation.

But my intention is very far from being confined to provide only for
the children of professed beggars; it is of a much greater extent, and
shall take in the whole number of infants at a certain age who are born
of parents in effect as little able to support them as those who demand
our charity in the streets.

As to my own part, having turned my thoughts for many years upon this
important subject, and maturely weighed the several schemes of other
projectors, I have always found them grossly mistaken in the
computation. It is true, a child just dropped from its dam may be
supported by her milk for a solar year, with little other nourishment;
at most not above the value of 2s., which the mother may certainly get,
or the value in scraps, by her lawful occupation of begging; and it is
exactly at one year old that I propose to provide for them in such a
manner as instead of being a charge upon their parents or the parish,
or wanting food and raiment for the rest of their lives, they shall on
the contrary contribute to the feeding, and partly to the clothing, of
many thousands.

There is likewise another great advantage in my scheme, that it will
prevent those voluntary abortions, and that horrid practice of women
murdering their ******* children, alas! too frequent among us!
sacrificing the poor innocent babes I doubt more to avoid the expense
than the shame, which would move tears and pity in the most savage and
inhuman breast.

The number of souls in this kingdom being usually reckoned one million
and a half, of these I calculate there may be about two hundred
thousand couple whose wives are breeders; from which number I subtract
thirty thousand couples who are able to maintain their own children,
although I apprehend there cannot be so many, under the present
distresses of the kingdom; but this being granted, there will remain an
hundred and seventy thousand breeders. I again subtract fifty thousand
for those women who miscarry, or whose children die by accident or
disease within the year. There only remains one hundred and twenty
thousand children of poor parents annually born. The question therefore
is, how this number shall be reared and provided for, which, as I have
already said, under the present situation of affairs, is utterly
impossible by all the methods hitherto proposed. For we can neither
employ them in handicraft or agriculture; we neither build houses (I
mean in the country) nor cultivate land: they can very seldom pick up a
livelihood by stealing, till they arrive at six years old, except where
they are of towardly parts, although I confess they learn the rudiments
much earlier, during which time, they can however be properly looked
upon only as probationers, as I have been informed by a principal
gentleman in the county of Cavan, who protested to me that he never
knew above one or two instances under the age of six, even in a part of
the kingdom so renowned for the quickest proficiency in that art.

I am assured by our merchants, that a boy or a girl before twelve years
old is no salable commodity; and even when they come to this age they
will not yield above three pounds, or three pounds and half-a-crown at
most on the exchange; which cannot turn to account either to the
parents or kingdom, the charge of nutriment and rags having been at
least four times that value.

I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will
not be liable to the least objection.

I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in
London, that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most
delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted,
baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a
fricassee or a ragout.

I do therefore humbly offer it to public consideration that of the
hundred and twenty thousand children already computed, twenty thousand
may be reserved for breed, whereof only one-fourth part to be males;
which is more than we allow to sheep, black cattle or swine; and my
reason is, that these children are seldom the fruits of marriage, a
circumstance not much regarded by our savages, therefore one male will
be sufficient to serve four females. That the remaining hundred
thousand may, at a year old, be offered in the sale to the persons of
quality and fortune through the kingdom; always advising the mother to
let them suck plentifully in the last month, so as to render them plump
and fat for a good table. A child will make two dishes at an
entertainment for friends; and when the family dines alone, the fore or
hind quarter will make a reasonable dish, and seasoned with a little
pepper or salt will be very good boiled on the fourth day, especially
in winter.

I have reckoned upon a medium that a child just born will weigh 12
pounds, and in a solar year, if tolerably nursed, increaseth to 28
pounds.

I grant this food will be somewhat dear, and therefore very proper for
landlords, who, as they have already devoured most of the parents, seem
to have the best title to the children.

Infant's flesh will be in season throughout the year, but more
plentiful in March, and a little before and after; for we are told by a
grave author, an eminent French physician, that fish being a prolific
diet, there are more children born in Roman Catholic countries about
nine months after Lent than at any other season; therefore, reckoning a
year after Lent, the markets will be more glutted than usual, because
the number of popish infants is at least three to one in this kingdom:
and therefore it will have one other collateral advantage, by lessening
the number of papists among us.

I have already computed the charge of nursing a beggar's child (in
which list I reckon all cottagers, laborers, and four-fifths of the
farmers) to be about two shillings per annum, rags included; and I
believe no gentleman would repine to give ten shillings for the carcass
of a good fat child, which, as I have said, will make four dishes of
excellent nutritive meat, when he hath only some particular friend or
his own family to dine with him. Thus the squire will learn to be a
good landlord, and grow popular among his tenants; the mother will have
eight shillings net profit, and be fit for work till she produces
another child.

Those who are more thrifty (as I must confess the times require) may
flay the carcass; the skin of which artificially dressed will make
admirable gloves for ladies, and summer boots for fine gentlemen.

As to our city of Dublin, shambles may be appointed for this purpose in
the most convenient parts of it, and butchers we may be assured will
not be wanting; although I rather recommend buying the children alive,
and dressing them hot from the knife, as we do roasting pigs.

A very worthy person, a true lover of his country, and whose virtues I
highly esteem, was lately pleased in discoursing on this matter to
offer a refinement upon my scheme. He said that many gentlemen of this
kingdom, having of late destroyed their deer, he conceived that the
want of venison might be well supplied by the bodies of young lads and
maidens, not exceeding fourteen years of age nor under twelve; so great
a number of both sexes in every country being now ready to starve for
want of work and service; and these to be disposed of by their parents,
if alive, or otherwise by their nearest relations. But with due
deference to so excellent a friend and so deserving a patriot, I cannot
be altogether in his sentiments; for as to the males, my American
acquaintance assured me, from frequent experience, that their flesh was
generally tough and lean, like that of our schoolboys by continual
exercise, and their taste disagreeable; and to fatten them would not
answer the charge. Then as to the females, it would, I think, with
humble submission be a loss to the public, because they soon would
become breeders themselves; and besides, it is not improbable that some
scrupulous people might be apt to censure such a practice (although
indeed very unjustly), as a little bordering upon cruelty; which, I
confess, hath always been with me the strongest objection against any
project, however so well intended.

But in order to justify my friend, he confessed that this expedient was
put into his head by the famous Psalmanazar, a native of the island
Formosa, who came from thence to London above twenty years ago, and in
conversation told my friend, that in his country when any young person
happened to be put to death, the executioner sold the carcass to
persons of quality as a prime dainty; and that in his time the body of
a plump girl of fifteen, who was crucified for an attempt to poison the
emperor, was sold to his imperial majesty's prime minister of state,
and other great mandarins of the court, in joints from the gibbet, at
four hundred crowns. Neither indeed can I deny, that if the same use
were made of several plump young girls in this town, who without one
single groat to their fortunes cannot stir abroad without a chair, and
appear at playhouse and assemblies in foreign fineries which they never
will pay for, the kingdom would not be the worse.

Some persons of a desponding spirit are in great concern about that
vast number of poor people, who are aged, diseased, or maimed, and I
have been desired to employ my thoughts what course may be taken to
ease the nation of so grievous an encumbrance. But I am not in the
least pain upon that matter, because it is very well known that they
are every day dying and rotting by cold and famine, and filth and
vermin, as fast as can be reasonably expected. And as to the young
laborers, they are now in as hopeful a condition; they cannot get work,
and consequently pine away for want of nourishment, to a degree that if
at any time they are accidentally hired to common labor, they have not
strength to perform it; and thus the country and themselves are happily
delivered from the evils to come.

I have too long digressed, and therefore shall return to my subject. I
think the advantages by the proposal which I have made are obvious and
many, as well as of the highest importance. For first, as I have
already observed, it would greatly lessen the number of papists, with
whom we are yearly overrun, being the principal breeders of the nation
as well as our most dangerous enemies; and who stay at home on purpose
with a design to deliver the kingdom to the Pretender, hoping to take
their advantage by the absence of so many good protestants, who have
chosen rather to leave their country than stay at home and pay tithes
against their conscience to an episcopal curate.

Secondly, The poorer tenants will have something valuable of their own,
which by law may be made liable to distress and help to pay their
landlord's rent, their corn and cattle being already seized, and money
a thing unknown.

Thirdly, Whereas the maintenance of an hundred thousand children, from
two years old and upward, cannot be computed at less than ten shillings
a-piece per annum, the nation's stock will be thereby increased fifty
thousand pounds per annum, beside the profit of a new dish introduced
to the tables of all gentlemen of fortune in the kingdom who have any
refinement in taste. And the money will circulate among ourselves, the
goods being entirely of our own growth and manufacture.

Fourthly, The constant breeders, beside the gain of eight shillings
sterling per annum by the sale of their children, will be rid of the
charge of maintaining them after the first year.

Fifthly, This food would likewise bring great custom to taverns; where
the vintners will certainly be so prudent as to procure the best
receipts for dressing it to perfection, and consequently have their
houses frequented by all the fine gentlemen, who justly value
themselves upon their knowledge in good eating: and a skilful cook, who
understands how to oblige his guests, will contrive to make it as
expensive as they please.

Sixthly, This would be a great inducement to marriage, which all wise
nations have either encouraged by rewards or enforced by laws and
penalties. It would increase the care and tenderness of mothers toward
their children, when they were sure of a settlement for life to the
poor babes, provided in some sort by the public, to their annual profit
instead of expense. We should see an honest emulation among the married
women, which of them could bring the fattest child to the market. Men
would become as fond of their wives during the time of their pregnancy
as they are now of their mares in foal, their cows in calf, their sows
when they are ready to farrow; nor offer to beat or kick them (as is
too frequent a practice) for fear of a miscarriage.

Many other advantages might be enumerated. For instance, the addition
of some thousand carcasses in our exportation of barreled beef, the
propagation of swine's flesh, and improvement in the art of making good
bacon, so much wanted among us by the great destruction of pigs, too
frequent at our tables; which are no way comparable in taste or
magnificence to a well-grown, fat, yearling child, which roasted whole
will make a considerable figure at a lord mayor's feast or any other
public entertainment. But this and many others I omit, being studious
of brevity.

Supposing that one thousand families in this city, would be constant
customers for Infant's Flesh, besides others who might have it at merry
meetings, particularly at weddings and christenings, I compute that
Dublin would take off annually about twenty thousand carcasses, and the
rest of the Kingdom (where probably they will be sold somewhat cheaper)
the remaining eighty thousand.
I can think of no one objection, that will possibly be raised against
this proposal, unless it should be urged, that the number of people
will be thereby much lessened in the Kingdom. This I freely own, and
'twas indeed one principal design in offering it to the world. I desire
the reader will observe, that I calculate my remedy for this one
individual kingdom of Ireland, and for no other that ever was, is, or I
think, ever can be upon Earth. Therefore let no man talk to me of other
expedients: of taxing our absentees at five shillings a pound: of using
neither clothes, nor household furniture, except what is of our own
growth and manufactu of utterly rejecting the materials and
instruments that promote foreign luxury: of curing the expensiveness of
pride, vanity, idleness, and gaming in our women: of introducing a vein
of parsimony, prudence and temerance: of learning to love our country,
wherein we differ even from Laplanders, and the inhabitants of
Topinamboo: of quitting our animosities, and factions, nor act any
longer like the Jews, who were murdering one another at the very moment
their city was taken: of being a little cautious not to sell our
country and consciences for nothing: of teaching our landlords to have
at least one degree of mercy towards their tenants. Lastly, of putting
a spirit of honesty, industry, and skill into our shop-keepers, who, if
a resolution could now be taken to buy only our native goods, would
immediately unite to cheat and exact upon us in the price, the measure
and the goodness, nor could ever yet be brought to make one fair
proposal of just dealing, though often and earnestly invited to it.

Therefore I repeat, let no man talk to me of these and the like
expedients, till he hath at least some glimpse of hope, that there will
ever be some hearty and sincere attempt to put them into practice.

But as to my self, having been wearied out for many years with offering
vain, idle, visionary thoughts, and at length despairing of success, I
fortunately fell upon this proposal, which as it is wholly new, so it
hath something solid and real, of no expense and little trouble, full
in our own power, and whereby we can incur no danger in disobliging
England. For this kind of commodity will not bear exportation, the
flesh being of too tender a consistence, to admit a long continuance in
salt, although perhaps I could name a country, which would be glad to
eat up our whole nation without it.


After all, I am not so violently bent upon my own opinion as to reject
any offer proposed by wise men, which shall be found equally innocent,
cheap, easy, and effectual. But before something of that kind shall be
advanced in contradiction to my scheme, and offering a better, I desire
the author or authors will be pleased maturely to consider two points.
First, as things now stand, how they will be able to find food and
raiment for an hundred thousand useless mouths and backs. And secondly,
there being a round million of creatures in human figure throughout
this kingdom, whose whole subsistence put into a common stock would
leave them in debt two millions of pounds sterling, adding those who
are beggars by profession to the bulk of farmers, cottagers, and
laborers, with their wives and children who are beggars in effect: I
desire those politicians who dislike my overture, and may perhaps be so
bold as to attempt an answer, that they will first ask the parents of
these mortals, whether they would not at this day think it a great
happiness to have been sold for food, at a year old in the manner I
prescribe, and thereby have avoided such a perpetual scene of
misfortunes as they have since gone through by the oppression of
landlords, the impossibility of paying rent without money or trade, the
want of common sustenance, with neither house nor clothes to cover them
from the inclemencies of the weather, and the most inevitable prospect
of entailing the like or greater miseries upon their breed for ever.

I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least
personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having
no other motive than the public good of my country, by advancing our
trade, providing for infants, relieving the poor, and giving some
pleasure to the rich. I have no children by which I can propose to get
a single penny; the youngest being nine years old, and my wife past
child-bearing.