Daughter is 21 months old/Is she too young to be separated from her Mother to give father 50% custody/visitation?

I am a single mother of a 21 month old baby girl.
I am my daughter's primary caregiver and have been a stay at home Mommy
since her birth.
Recently I have been forced out of my ex's home and he now wants 50%
visitation/custody. I have no problem encouraging my child to have her
Daddy in her life closely, ...and I am willing to agree to SOME visitation
but not 50% for a child that is only 21 months of age.
I am in Pennsylvania.
I filed for full custody of my daughter. I will willingly agree to
visitation and some custody by her father but i do not feel that it is in
the best interest of my child to be separated from me 50% of her life just
to give her father his equal rights!
We, as her parents are our child's voice and her father cannot look past
the 50% thing and think of what is best for his child. This does not seem
to be working for my daughter. My child is too young to be separated from
her Mommy for too long.
And I just had my first custody hearing with a Mediator and both lawyers.
My lawyer did not fight for me and for the best interest of my child. I
do not have much money and I am struggling to pay the rent each month as
it is, but my baby girl is my life and I will fight for her and for what
is in her best interest always! I am shocked that none of my concerns
were brought up or were important to talk about. I am angry ,as my
daughter's Mother, I have no say in what i feel is best for her.
One of my biggest concerns is that my child is not able to have any
consistency in her daily life, and she is not able to stay on her routine
schedule now that she is being tossed back and forth, and shared by both
parents 50%. She needs structure and consistency in her life so that she
will feel safe and secure. She no sooner gets settled into his home and
then has to readjust when she comes back to my home to stay for 1 or 2
days. It takes me 1 day just to get my child back to the little girl that
i know her to be. She is not my little girl when she returns to me from
being away for 3-4 days at a time. She is destructive and throws bad
fits, and is starting to hit me now too. It takes the next day until she
is back to her sweet self, and this hurts my heart seeing her like this.
This is ridiculous, and is not fair to my child.
I must find another lawyer that will understand my situation and will
want to look out for my daughter's best interest.
The hearing was a waste of time, and they did not seem to be interested in
how young my daughter was and that I have been her full primary care giver
since her birth.
My Lawyer promised to fight to get me Sole Custody, and then she said that
i would get Primary Care Custody since i was always her full time primary
caregiver and stay at home Mommy her whole life, but these things have not
happened. What happened and what was the importance at this hearing was
giving the father 50% and that was it!
I do not see how it is fair for a child to be separated from their mother
50% of their young life. Can anyone help me make sense of this please?
I am broken hearted without my baby girl, and being without her 3-4 days
at a time is unbearable. She needs her Mommy. I have been the one
constant in her life and now she is uprooted between 2 parents and 2 homes
and she is now acting out with terrible temper tantrums and throwing
things. This is affecting her and the lawyers and mediator do not seem to
care about any of these concerns except giving the father 50%! This just
is not right!
QUESTION-
Should the child be older than 21 months, for the baby to be separated 50%
from its mother?

"mychynadoll" wrote in message
lkaboutparenting.com...
I am a single mother of a 21 month old baby girl.
I am my daughter's primary caregiver and have been a stay at home Mommy
since her birth.
Recently I have been forced out of my ex's home and he now wants 50%
visitation/custody. I have no problem encouraging my child to have her
Daddy in her life closely, ...and I am willing to agree to SOME visitation
but not 50% for a child that is only 21 months of age.
I am in Pennsylvania.
I filed for full custody of my daughter. I will willingly agree to
visitation and some custody by her father but i do not feel that it is in
the best interest of my child to be separated from me 50% of her life just
to give her father his equal rights!
We, as her parents are our child's voice and her father cannot look past
the 50% thing and think of what is best for his child. This does not seem
to be working for my daughter. My child is too young to be separated from
her Mommy for too long.
And I just had my first custody hearing with a Mediator and both lawyers.
My lawyer did not fight for me and for the best interest of my child. I
do not have much money and I am struggling to pay the rent each month as
it is, but my baby girl is my life and I will fight for her and for what
is in her best interest always! I am shocked that none of my concerns
were brought up or were important to talk about. I am angry ,as my
daughter's Mother, I have no say in what i feel is best for her.
One of my biggest concerns is that my child is not able to have any
consistency in her daily life, and she is not able to stay on her routine
schedule now that she is being tossed back and forth, and shared by both
parents 50%. She needs structure and consistency in her life so that she
will feel safe and secure. She no sooner gets settled into his home and
then has to readjust when she comes back to my home to stay for 1 or 2
days. It takes me 1 day just to get my child back to the little girl that
i know her to be. She is not my little girl when she returns to me from
being away for 3-4 days at a time. She is destructive and throws bad
fits, and is starting to hit me now too. It takes the next day until she
is back to her sweet self, and this hurts my heart seeing her like this.
This is ridiculous, and is not fair to my child.
I must find another lawyer that will understand my situation and will
want to look out for my daughter's best interest.
The hearing was a waste of time, and they did not seem to be interested in
how young my daughter was and that I have been her full primary care giver
since her birth.
My Lawyer promised to fight to get me Sole Custody, and then she said that
i would get Primary Care Custody since i was always her full time primary
caregiver and stay at home Mommy her whole life, but these things have not
happened. What happened and what was the importance at this hearing was
giving the father 50% and that was it!
I do not see how it is fair for a child to be separated from their mother
50% of their young life. Can anyone help me make sense of this please?
I am broken hearted without my baby girl, and being without her 3-4 days
at a time is unbearable. She needs her Mommy. I have been the one
constant in her life and now she is uprooted between 2 parents and 2 homes
and she is now acting out with terrible temper tantrums and throwing
things. This is affecting her and the lawyers and mediator do not seem to
care about any of these concerns except giving the father 50%! This just
is not right!
QUESTION-
Should the child be older than 21 months, for the baby to be separated 50%
from its mother?

Are you still a full time stay at home mom? Or have you had to find work
since your child's father is no longer supporting you? (I assume that is
what was happening since you say you were forced out of your ex's home) If
you are working, is your child in child care?

How would you feel if the courts told you that your child needed to remain
in the HOUSE she had become accustomed to, and that you needed to
accommodate her need to be in that house? But that you could have a liberal
visitation schedule. Wouldn't you be shocked that the court would so easily
remove your child from your care? Look at it from her father's point of
view: because he went to work and supported both you and his child while
you stayed home, he is now supposed to agree to being deprived of a father's
place in the day to day activities of his child. He is supposed to become a
visitor. Does that sound fair or right?

How close together are the 2 of you living right now? A couple of miles?
20 miles? Have you sat down and discussed how to make transitions smooth
and easy for your child? Do you act angry with each other when together?
Or do you laugh and enjoy your daughter? Your *attitudes* are going to go a
lot further in making you child secure than your custody situation. Is
there someone close to you that you could discuss this with who could help
you work through it? It's a very difficult situation, but your daughter
deserves both parents in her life, and the 2 of you need to find a way that
works for all of you.

The answer is no. In the past, Courts (When determining custody)
recognized a standard that was known as the "tender years" doctrine.
Under this standard, a child of tender years" generally, those under
the age of eight were automatically awarded to the mother. The only way
to prevent this was to prove that the mother was unfit to raise the
child(ren). The "best interests of the child" standard has eliminated
the tender years doctrine and it is a good thing. I'm not getting too
much from the victim role you're playing. You and Mr EX made a decision
to split. Did you think everything would be just wonderful for you? I
would be VERY interested to know the circumstances surrounding the
demise of your marriage. I can't help but see red flags after reading
this rather self-serving post of yours. Instead of finding a new
lawyer, perhaps you should find a good shrink to talk to

"mychynadoll" wrote in

I am my daughter's primary caregiver and have been a stay at home Mommy


Hey Mommy, time to grow up and get a job like the rest of the world!
You say you want to fight for your child, start by getting a career and stop
living of the backs of other people!!!!!!


In just a few short years, that cute little puppy will gorw up and be an
ungrateful brat that you will have to support.

"mychynadoll" wrote in message
lkaboutparenting.com...
I am a single mother of a 21 month old baby girl.
I am my daughter's primary caregiver and have been a stay at home Mommy
since her birth.

So?

Recently I have been forced out of my ex's home and he now wants 50%
visitation/custody.

As he should have

I have no problem encouraging my child to have her
Daddy in her life closely, ...and I am willing to agree to SOME visitation
but not 50% for a child that is only 21 months of age.

Free hint for the clueless, it is not your decision to make, just because
you are a mommy does not grant you control


I am in Pennsylvania.
I filed for full custody of my daughter.

Why am I not surprised.


I will willingly agree to
visitation and some custody by her father but i do not feel that it is in
the best interest of my child to be separated from me 50% of her life just
to give her father his equal rights!

It is not "your" child. The child has two parents. Just because you are
a mommy doesn't entitle you to more equal rights than the child's father.

We, as her parents are our child's voice and her father cannot look past
the 50% thing and think of what is best for his child. This does not seem
to be working for my daughter. My child is too young to be separated from
her Mommy for too long.

So in your view, dad is disposalbe, but you are not......how quaint.

And I just had my first custody hearing with a Mediator and both lawyers.
My lawyer did not fight for me and for the best interest of my child.

He might have, you are probably to selfish to realize it

I
do not have much money and I am struggling to pay the rent each month as
it is, but my baby girl is my life and I will fight for her and for what
is in her best interest always!

You are not right now.

I am shocked that none of my concerns
were brought up or were important to talk about. I am angry ,as my
daughter's Mother, I have no say in what i feel is best for her.

As opposed to the child's father not having any say?

One of my biggest concerns is that my child is not able to have any
consistency in her daily life, and she is not able to stay on her routine
schedule now that she is being tossed back and forth, and shared by both
parents 50%.

typical mommy control issue.

She needs structure and consistency in her life so that she
will feel safe and secure.

Safety and security has nothing to do with where one spends the night

She no sooner gets settled into his home and
then has to readjust when she comes back to my home to stay for 1 or 2
days. It takes me 1 day just to get my child back to the little girl that
i know her to be. She is not my little girl when she returns to me from
being away for 3-4 days at a time. She is destructive and throws bad
fits, and is starting to hit me now too.

Maybe because you are too controling, like you are displaying here?

It takes the next day until she
is back to her sweet self, and this hurts my heart seeing her like this.
This is ridiculous, and is not fair to my child.

Actually it is what is best for the child, you are just too selfish to see
it.

I must find another lawyer that will understand my situation and will
want to look out for my daughter's best interest.
The hearing was a waste of time, and they did not seem to be interested in
how young my daughter was and that I have been her full primary care giver
since her birth.

Want some cheese with that whine?

My Lawyer promised to fight to get me Sole Custody, and then she said that
i would get Primary Care Custody since i was always her full time primary
caregiver and stay at home Mommy her whole life, but these things have not
happened. What happened and what was the importance at this hearing was
giving the father 50% and that was it!

Free hint for the clueless......you will not be a stay at home mom any
longer, you will need to work to provide your 50% of raising the child.

I do not see how it is fair for a child to be separated from their mother
50% of their young life.

But it is fair to be separated from the father more than 50%..........how
selfish.

Can anyone help me make sense of this please?
I am broken hearted without my baby girl, and being without her 3-4 days
at a time is unbearable.

Grow up.

She needs her Mommy.

She needs her father

I have been the one
constant in her life and now she is uprooted between 2 parents and 2 homes
and she is now acting out with terrible temper tantrums and throwing
things. This is affecting her and the lawyers and mediator do not seem to
care about any of these concerns except giving the father 50%! This just
is not right!

In your selfish mind.

QUESTION-
Should the child be older than 21 months, for the baby to be separated 50%
from its mother?


NO.

This post is for all of you that cared enough to respond to my post and
situation in such a polite and understanding way. THANK YOU!

If I knew that this site was a crude "head-bashing" site, then I would not
have wasted my time here,...sorry! I was searching for positive feedback
only. None of you know me as a person or as a mother, nor do you know my
full situation to judge me in any way.
Honestly, I might have just needed someone to talk to when I wrote my
post. I am human too, and I may have been feeling emotional and down at
the time. I also, did not fully explain my whole situation in my post for
any of you to fully understand and respond to me in a more positive way.
I am sorry. I was looking for positive feedback only, not criticism, and
crude remarks.

May I also ask that you try to respect the feelings of others with the
words that you use in responding back to people in your posts. Your
remarks and words in response to my post hurt my feelings a great deal.
Apologies accepted.

Someone asked a few questions, and I will gladly answer.
Currently, I am working full-time to provide for myself and for my
daughter on a part-time basis, now that I am out of my ex's total control
and emotional, mental, psychological, and physical abuse.
My child's father and I live 10 miles away from oneanother. He does not
care to work together with me for our daughter's benefit. He never has
worked together with me on anything. I have tried and continue to try but
never get anywhere with him. He wants what he wants and when he wants it.
It is a "control thing" for him.

I will always put my own feelings aside and put our daughter first. I
will also always encourage that both parents are closely in our child's
life too.
I am just trying to personally "adjust" going from a full-time,
stay-at-home mother to a part-time mother. It hurts being separated from
my daughter when I fully cared for her all of her life, and every single
day.
I am sorry if I have offended anyone here!

Should the child be older than 21 months, for the baby to be separated 50%
from its mother?


Sorry, here comes my bias.....you seem like the majoritiy of ex-wives, willing and able to make their ex-husbands pay for whatever they did to them. Your ex-husband has every right to see his daugher 50% regardless of age. If you were so concerned about your daughter, get a job....and Get a life....

"mychynadoll" wrote in message
lkaboutparenting.com...
I am a single mother of a 21 month old baby girl.

Referring to yourself as a "single mother" implies you were never married to
the child's father. If the child's father is pressing for joint custody,
your daughter is very lucky because most single fathers just want to walk
away.

I am my daughter's primary caregiver and have been a stay at home Mommy
since her birth.

Depending on the personal biases of the custody mediator, this may or may
not be a factor. Research shows both fathers and mothers have equal ability
to be good parents, and learning parenting skills is not complicated for
either parent.

Recently I have been forced out of my ex's home and he now wants 50%
visitation/custody. I have no problem encouraging my child to have her
Daddy in her life closely, ...and I am willing to agree to SOME visitation
but not 50% for a child that is only 21 months of age.

Have you considered the fact that the proposed custody split would be more
like 1/3 of the time each, with your little girl spending the majority of
the week in day care with a non-parent?

I am in Pennsylvania.
I filed for full custody of my daughter. I will willingly agree to
visitation and some custody by her father but i do not feel that it is in
the best interest of my child to be separated from me 50% of her life just
to give her father his equal rights!

How are you going to justify putting your daughter into day care for 9-10
hours per day? What about when she goes to school all day? There is no way
she will be spending 50% of her time with either parent. You might want to
reconsider your hard position about having more than 50% of the time with
your daughter. Having her father share some of the time with her is called
parenting, not equal rights.

We, as her parents are our child's voice and her father cannot look past
the 50% thing and think of what is best for his child. This does not seem
to be working for my daughter. My child is too young to be separated from
her Mommy for too long.

And his perspective is having his daughter separated from her father for too
long is not good either.

And I just had my first custody hearing with a Mediator and both lawyers.
My lawyer did not fight for me and for the best interest of my child.

This is a very interesting comment. Usually custody and visitation
mediation is done outside of the legal process in a less threatening
environment. Your lawyers job is to represent you through the legal process
and in court, if you end up there. I can't figure out why a lawyer would
need to be present during private, confidential mediation sessions, except
that they want to increase thier billable hours.

I
do not have much money and I am struggling to pay the rent each month as
it is, but my baby girl is my life and I will fight for her and for what
is in her best interest always! I am shocked that none of my concerns
were brought up or were important to talk about. I am angry ,as my
daughter's Mother, I have no say in what i feel is best for her.

Your expectation for what will happen as the result of mediation is off
base. These sessions are usually low-key and are designed to allow the
mediator to meet with the parents individually, together, with and without
the child, to observe their interactions and make a recommnedation to the
court.

One of my biggest concerns is that my child is not able to have any
consistency in her daily life, and she is not able to stay on her routine
schedule now that she is being tossed back and forth, and shared by both
parents 50%. She needs structure and consistency in her life so that she
will feel safe and secure. She no sooner gets settled into his home and
then has to readjust when she comes back to my home to stay for 1 or 2
days. It takes me 1 day just to get my child back to the little girl that
i know her to be. She is not my little girl when she returns to me from
being away for 3-4 days at a time. She is destructive and throws bad
fits, and is starting to hit me now too. It takes the next day until she
is back to her sweet self, and this hurts my heart seeing her like this.
This is ridiculous, and is not fair to my child.

Another solution to all of these issues is to allow the child's father 100%
custody. Then all of those problems would not exist. But the best solution
is to come up with a joint parenting plan that deals with all of the issues,
legal and residential, and how time, transitions, transportation, etc. will
be handled.

I must find another lawyer that will understand my situation and will
want to look out for my daughter's best interest.
The hearing was a waste of time, and they did not seem to be interested in
how young my daughter was and that I have been her full primary care giver
since her birth.
My Lawyer promised to fight to get me Sole Custody, and then she said that
i would get Primary Care Custody since i was always her full time primary
caregiver and stay at home Mommy her whole life, but these things have not
happened. What happened and what was the importance at this hearing was
giving the father 50% and that was it!

You need to ask your lawyer the differences between joint legal custody and
joint residential custody. It seems you are mixing the two together. Child
placement in the residence of one parent is different than 50/50 sharing of
important decisions in the child's life. You also need to have your lawyer
explain if there is a state law covering a rebuttable presumption of custody
and access in PA.

I do not see how it is fair for a child to be separated from their mother
50% of their young life. Can anyone help me make sense of this please?

It makes about as much sense as a child being separated from their father
fro 50% of their young life.

I am broken hearted without my baby girl, and being without her 3-4 days
at a time is unbearable. She needs her Mommy. I have been the one
constant in her life and now she is uprooted between 2 parents and 2 homes
and she is now acting out with terrible temper tantrums and throwing
things. This is affecting her and the lawyers and mediator do not seem to
care about any of these concerns except giving the father 50%! This just
is not right!
QUESTION-
Should the child be older than 21 months, for the baby to be separated 50%
from its mother?

No. Regardless of the child's age mothers and fathers have equal
opportunity under family law to be awarded custody and visitation. If you
are unable to agree with the child's father about those issues in the
mediation process, you will be forced to take whatever the judge rules at a
future hearing.

A few things to consider:

Fathers with joint custody are more apt to pay child support.

Children with fathers actively involved in their lives do much better.

The court will be reluctant to change the joint visitation schedule you have
already been using.

Sharing custody 50/50 reduces your expenses.

You daughter will not always be 21 months old.

Mothers who allow the child's fathers liberal time with their children have
more time to concentrate on careers, social lives, and do better in general.

A jointly agreed to written parenting plan will cover all the details of how
the two of you will raise your daughter.

On Tue, 22 Feb 2005 17:36:28 -0500, "mychynadoll"
wrote:

This post is for all of you that cared enough to respond to my post and
situation in such a polite and understanding way. THANK YOU!

If I knew that this site was a crude "head-bashing" site, then I would not
have wasted my time here,...sorry! I was searching for positive feedback
only. None of you know me as a person or as a mother, nor do you know my
full situation to judge me in any way.

This is true that we do not know the situation well enough to make
judgement calls; however, this group is populated with a wide variety
of people to include custodial parents, non-custodial parents, spouses
of non-custodial parents, and even just people who find the subject
interesting. When you get "head bashed," you have probably mistakenly
hit a nerve. Personally, I find it to be a window into the pain that
many non-custodial parents feel. It will make you a better parent, in
my opinion, to have some sort of insight into the pain that your
daughter's father may feel should he be relugated to being a "visitor"
in her life.

Honestly, I might have just needed someone to talk to when I wrote my
post. I am human too, and I may have been feeling emotional and down at
the time. I also, did not fully explain my whole situation in my post for
any of you to fully understand and respond to me in a more positive way.
I am sorry. I was looking for positive feedback only, not criticism, and
crude remarks.

May I also ask that you try to respect the feelings of others with the
words that you use in responding back to people in your posts. Your
remarks and words in response to my post hurt my feelings a great deal.
Apologies accepted.

Someone asked a few questions, and I will gladly answer.
Currently, I am working full-time to provide for myself and for my
daughter on a part-time basis, now that I am out of my ex's total control
and emotional, mental, psychological, and physical abuse.
My child's father and I live 10 miles away from oneanother. He does not
care to work together with me for our daughter's benefit. He never has
worked together with me on anything. I have tried and continue to try but
never get anywhere with him. He wants what he wants and when he wants it.
It is a "control thing" for him.

It's funny, but my ex and I agreed on many parenting issues (i.e. not
even a toy gun for our kids) before we were divorced. After we
divorced, I learned that maybe we hadn't agreed as much as I thought.
It seemed as though every other gift from their father was a water gun
or a nerf gun. Although I disagreed, I dealt with it as a difference
of opinion. Yes, the kids had their toy guns from Daddy, but that
didn't stop me from speaking with the children about guns and what
acceptable uses of guns were. Hence, they were allowed to "shoot" at
targets, but never at people or animals.

I wonder if my ex and I would have continued to agree as we had when
we were married if we had stayed married. If we hadn't, we'd have had
to find a compromise. It's really no different with separated
parents. Sometimes, we have to let the other parent be the parent
they desire to be and it may be quite different than what we wanted
for our child. But then, my dear, kindergarten is coming and soon you
will have a whole other set of influences. All you can do is your
best with what you have to work with.

This is not to say that you should ever let the other parent abuse
your child because that is how he/she wishes to parent. Some things
go beyond parental differences. Still, you are going to have to live
the best you can with what the court decides for you and, if your ex
is not abusing your daughter, you really have no right to care for her
more than 50% of the time.

I will always put my own feelings aside and put our daughter first. I
will also always encourage that both parents are closely in our child's
life too.
I am just trying to personally "adjust" going from a full-time,
stay-at-home mother to a part-time mother. It hurts being separated from
my daughter when I fully cared for her all of her life, and every single
day.

Given your daughter's age, I'll bet the adjustment is harder on you
than it is on her. Might I remind you that 21 months old is close
enough to 2 years old to have begun "the terrible twos." Part of the
"terrible twos" is a child's desire to have some control, some
autonomy... but still have the love they had before. Adjustment is
difficult for ALL of you, not just your daughter and not just you.
But a commitment to the adjustment NOW is going to reap great benefits
for both you and your daughter in the future. Okay, so she has
difficulty upon returning. What shall keep her whole is your loving
her THROUGH the adjustment phase, not keeping her from the adjustment.
It's easy to love when things are easy, you know? A great parent
loves even when it is hard. Being a part-time parent and having to
give up some of what you've come to know as your responsibility is
hard. I assure you, however, becoming more of a caregiver than he has
ever been before is probably hard on her father as well... but he
loves her enough to do it. Aside from things that you may have yet to
share, be grateful that he wants to be a father to her.

I am sorry if I have offended anyone here!

what did YOU DO to cause this?

"mychynadoll" wrote in message
lkaboutparenting.com...
This post is for all of you that cared enough to respond to my post and
situation in such a polite and understanding way. THANK YOU!

If I knew that this site was a crude "head-bashing" site, then I would not
have wasted my time here,...sorry! I was searching for positive feedback
only. None of you know me as a person or as a mother, nor do you know my
full situation to judge me in any way.
Honestly, I might have just needed someone to talk to when I wrote my
post. I am human too, and I may have been feeling emotional and down at
the time. I also, did not fully explain my whole situation in my post for
any of you to fully understand and respond to me in a more positive way.
I am sorry. I was looking for positive feedback only, not criticism, and
crude remarks.

May I also ask that you try to respect the feelings of others with the
words that you use in responding back to people in your posts. Your
remarks and words in response to my post hurt my feelings a great deal.
Apologies accepted.

Someone asked a few questions, and I will gladly answer.
Currently, I am working full-time to provide for myself and for my
daughter on a part-time basis, now that I am out of my ex's total control
and emotional, mental, psychological, and physical abuse.
My child's father and I live 10 miles away from oneanother. He does not
care to work together with me for our daughter's benefit. He never has
worked together with me on anything. I have tried and continue to try but
never get anywhere with him. He wants what he wants and when he wants it.
It is a "control thing" for him.

I will always put my own feelings aside and put our daughter first. I
will also always encourage that both parents are closely in our child's
life too.
I am just trying to personally "adjust" going from a full-time,
stay-at-home mother to a part-time mother. It hurts being separated from
my daughter when I fully cared for her all of her life, and every single
day.
I am sorry if I have offended anyone here!