Gift ettiquette question

Ok - would like some advice on this one.

Ds (5 yo) was invited to a birthday party for a friend at school. I've
never met him or his parents, but apparently ds likes him. We RSVP'd
that he could go - then ds got sick, and couldn't go. Due to time
constraints, I hadn't gotten around to buying the present. (Ds got
sick Friday evening, the party was Sunday afternoon, so I *had* been
planning to buy it on Saturday morning, with the backup plan of getting
it Sunday morning.) I did call on Sunday morning to let the parents
know ds couldn't make it.

So, should I get him a present? And if so, how do I get it to him?
The school has a policy that you aren't supposed to distribute party
invitations at school, so presumably it would also be bad to give a
present at school. I do have his address (the reason they can get away
with the policy is that the PTO makes a school directory, which about
90% of the families participate in. Naturally, the policy was part of
the reason I made sure to be included.)

Thoughts?

Irene

"Irene" wrote in message
oups.com...

So, should I get him a present? And if so, how do I get it to him?

I'm sure that Erika will chime in with a proper answer later, but I will
give you my opinion: Kids birthday parties require a gift only if you
attend. Since your DD didn't actually attend the party, I don't think you
need to. Had you already purchased it, it might be nice to send it to him,
but I don't think it is required.

"Irene" wrote in message
oups.com...
Ok - would like some advice on this one.

Ds (5 yo) was invited to a birthday party for a friend at school. I've
never met him or his parents, but apparently ds likes him. We RSVP'd
that he could go - then ds got sick, and couldn't go. Due to time
constraints, I hadn't gotten around to buying the present. (Ds got
sick Friday evening, the party was Sunday afternoon, so I *had* been
planning to buy it on Saturday morning, with the backup plan of getting
it Sunday morning.) I did call on Sunday morning to let the parents
know ds couldn't make it.

So, should I get him a present? And if so, how do I get it to him?
The school has a policy that you aren't supposed to distribute party
invitations at school, so presumably it would also be bad to give a
present at school. I do have his address (the reason they can get away
with the policy is that the PTO makes a school directory, which about
90% of the families participate in. Naturally, the policy was part of
the reason I made sure to be included.)

I would say if they present him with a party bag because he missed the
party, then it would be polite to give a present.
Having said that, if a child has missed a party at short notice I'll usually
give them the party bag because I don't really want one party bag left
around, but I certainly wouldn't be expecting the present "in return".
I think, on past experience, those who have missed have usually given a
present afterwards, or even delivered it to the party.
Debbie

Irene wrote:
Ok - would like some advice on this one.

Ds (5 yo) was invited to a birthday party for a friend at school. I've
never met him or his parents, but apparently ds likes him. We RSVP'd
that he could go - then ds got sick, and couldn't go. Due to time
constraints, I hadn't gotten around to buying the present. (Ds got
sick Friday evening, the party was Sunday afternoon, so I *had* been
planning to buy it on Saturday morning, with the backup plan of getting
it Sunday morning.) I did call on Sunday morning to let the parents
know ds couldn't make it.

So, should I get him a present? And if so, how do I get it to him?
The school has a policy that you aren't supposed to distribute party
invitations at school, so presumably it would also be bad to give a
present at school. I do have his address (the reason they can get away
with the policy is that the PTO makes a school directory, which about
90% of the families participate in. Naturally, the policy was part of
the reason I made sure to be included.)

You are not required to send a gift. I'd send a gift
if I'd already bought one. I'd also send a gift if I somehow
felt that I had screwed up (e.g., there was one time that we
all just plain forgot about a birthday party DS1 was supposed
to go to--gads, I'm still embarrassed about that one). But
in this case, you don't have any obligation. It's not like
the birthday boy has some kind of claim to achieve a certain
haul at his birthday party and you've somehow denied him that ;-)

Best wishes,
Ericka

"Irene" wrote in message
oups.com...
Ok - would like some advice on this one.

Ds (5 yo) was invited to a birthday party for a friend at school.
I've
never met him or his parents, but apparently ds likes him. We
RSVP'd
that he could go - then ds got sick, and couldn't go. Due to time
constraints, I hadn't gotten around to buying the present. (Ds got
sick Friday evening, the party was Sunday afternoon, so I *had* been
planning to buy it on Saturday morning, with the backup plan of
getting
it Sunday morning.) I did call on Sunday morning to let the parents
know ds couldn't make it.

So, should I get him a present?

I wouldn't worry about it because most kids don't expect presents
except at their party. I would make an exception for a "best friend."

I would say in general though, that I'd give the parents more notice
if I thought my child might not be able to make it. I know you were
playing wait and see, but with a day or two notice they might be able
to do something like reduce their cost (if the party is at one of
those pay-per-kid places) or invite a friend's sibling (or a sibling's
friend) to fill the slot. Not to mention, it's disappointing to the
child not to have one of their friends come, so I'd want to give a
little notice and not do it on the day of the party if I could help
it.

Bizby

bizby40 wrote:
"Irene" wrote in message
oups.com...
Ok - would like some advice on this one.

Ds (5 yo) was invited to a birthday party for a friend at school.
I've
never met him or his parents, but apparently ds likes him. We
RSVP'd
that he could go - then ds got sick, and couldn't go. Due to time
constraints, I hadn't gotten around to buying the present. (Ds got
sick Friday evening, the party was Sunday afternoon, so I *had* been
planning to buy it on Saturday morning, with the backup plan of
getting
it Sunday morning.) I did call on Sunday morning to let the parents
know ds couldn't make it.

So, should I get him a present?

I wouldn't worry about it because most kids don't expect presents
except at their party. I would make an exception for a "best friend."

I would say in general though, that I'd give the parents more notice
if I thought my child might not be able to make it. I know you were
playing wait and see, but with a day or two notice they might be able
to do something like reduce their cost (if the party is at one of
those pay-per-kid places) or invite a friend's sibling (or a sibling's
friend) to fill the slot. Not to mention, it's disappointing to the
child not to have one of their friends come, so I'd want to give a
little notice and not do it on the day of the party if I could help
it.

Bizby

That's nice in theory, but 2 days before, he wasn't sick. The day
before, he had a time when his temp was normal and there was a chance
he could get better in time - so what point would there have been in
calling to say maybe - they couldn't have cancelled based on that call,
nor invited someone else. The only thing that could have helped was
letting the kid know that *maybe* ds wouldn't be there.

(And hey - I invited 8 of ds' friends from his old pre-school to his
birthday party, and only got one RSVP. At least I called! I'm
definitely not going to beat myself up on this one!)


But anyhow, it's nice that I seem to have a consensus on not getting a
gift - I'm still not done with my holiday shopping...

Irene

"Irene" wrote in message
ups.com...
That's nice in theory, but 2 days before, he wasn't sick. The
day
before, he had a time when his temp was normal and there was a
chance
he could get better in time - so what point would there have been in
calling to say maybe - they couldn't have cancelled based on that
call,
nor invited someone else. The only thing that could have helped was
letting the kid know that *maybe* ds wouldn't be there.

That, and warning the parents that a very recently sick child might
show up. They might actually prefer you keep him home if it's iffy.
And it's just generally polite to give people as much notice of
changes as you can. You can't always predict what the effect on them
might be.

No need to beat yourself up though. It's water under the bridge and
not a big deal. I was only making a sort of general comment for
future situations.

Bizby

Irene wrote:
Ok - would like some advice on this one.

Ds (5 yo) was invited to a birthday party for a friend at school. I've
never met him or his parents, but apparently ds likes him. We RSVP'd
that he could go - then ds got sick, and couldn't go. Due to time
constraints, I hadn't gotten around to buying the present. (Ds got
sick Friday evening, the party was Sunday afternoon, so I *had* been
planning to buy it on Saturday morning, with the backup plan of getting
it Sunday morning.) I did call on Sunday morning to let the parents
know ds couldn't make it.

So, should I get him a present? And if so, how do I get it to him?
The school has a policy that you aren't supposed to distribute party
invitations at school, so presumably it would also be bad to give a
present at school. I do have his address (the reason they can get away
with the policy is that the PTO makes a school directory, which about
90% of the families participate in. Naturally, the policy was part of
the reason I made sure to be included.)

Thoughts?

Irene

I would buy the gift, call the parent and make a play date. The kids
already like each other so they will most likely play well together ...
and it will give you a chance to meet the other kids parent(s).