your opinion please ( baby traveling away from mom)

"Amy" wrote in message
Absolutely not. I think the very suggestion is hideous. If they are
so hot to see the baby, they can come visit YOU for a week, and see
their only grandchild in her home, where she's with her mother and
won't be traumatized by being separated from you for that long.

The grandparents did not make the suggestion. Hubby did and in the last
post, hubby didn't realize what a traumatic experience it could be.

Or, if
you want to travel, you can go with her and stay with her at his
parents for a week, but there is NO way that I would allow my daughter
to go anywhere for that long without me. None. Not under any
circumstances in the world. Not even if I were in the hospital or
something. Good God...

Sometimes life gets in the way. I am glad that you don't have any
circumstances in your life to ever be away. I hope it stays that way. I had
to be away from my kids during some points of their lives because of DD1
special needs and being in the hospital for months at a time. Middle daugher
was around 8 months when DD1 had to be in the hospital. I had to have
strangers/family/friends/husband keep her. It wasn't the end of the earth
for her because I have made sure that my kids are exposed to other people
for this very reason. Then I had to be away when DD3 was 4 and DD2 was 5 for
three months, again for a hospitalization. It was harder because they were
older, but again since I have exposed them to other people, they did fine.
And of course dad was with them as much as he could. I think your untrusting
of people is really OTT. Sometimes a person just cannot help situations. The
OP situation is of course optional, but still I have left my girls with my
mom so hubby and I could go on a trip. I trust my family and I trust the
people that cared for my kids when I couldn't be there.
--
Sue (mom to three girls)

Betsy,

I think it would be traumatic for the baby, not to mention to you! One
day, when she is ten or eleven or twelve, and SHE wants to go, it will
be a great adventure for her.

Leslie

Mum of Two wrote:
"oregonchick" wrote in message
. ..

Well, I guess I didn't include enough details. It was my husband's idea,
not the grandparents. I don't even think they know that he had considered
it. And he only brought it up to see how I felt about it - he has never
had children before, and is kind of naive to what would really be involved
in doing this. But he does now!

Oh, well that makes more sense! Most new fathers wouldn't understand the
effect something like that could have on a child, unless they'd had a lot of
contact with young children. For that matter, I don't think a lot of new
mothers would either; I was very naive about that while pregnant.

Me too. Dp and I talked a bit before he was born about going abroad
without ds . As soon as he arrived we both realised practically and
emotionally this wouldn't work and we wouldn't want to do it even if it
would. In the early days it took a while for dp to 'get' things. Like
why I was upset when one family member suggested I wasn't doing the
right thing to get ds to nap - (turns out I was!). It wasn't until he
spent more than a couple of days with ds over Christmas (excluding his
2 weeks paternity leave) that he really understood why it was so
important ds nap and how a change of environment and routine upset
that. I did an awful lot of reading when trying to sort his sleeping
and so am aware earlier of things like separation anxiety. Dp only saw
it first hand the first time when we picked ds from his grans and he
cried. I knew instantly what the problem was and how to deal with it.
But sometimes I forget that things that seem obvious to me simpy might
not occur to dp. Being at work he just doesn't spend nearly the same
amount of time with ds or much of that thinking about ds. I guess it's
the same for many working dad's (or mum's for SAH dad's) so as Amy
said, most might have thought it ok too.

Jeni

"Jan Moes" wrote in message
l.nl...

"Workingmom" schreef in bericht
...

Their view can be influenced by the fact that most mothers work in
Europe, so most kids of age 8 mos is in some kind of daycare all day.


Not in Germany. Germany is as old-fashioned as The Netherlands in these.

Jan

that's my impression too

Sue wrote:
"Amy" wrote in message
Absolutely not. I think the very suggestion is hideous. If they are
so hot to see the baby, they can come visit YOU for a week, and see
their only grandchild in her home, where she's with her mother and
won't be traumatized by being separated from you for that long.

The grandparents did not make the suggestion. Hubby did and in the last
post, hubby didn't realize what a traumatic experience it could be.

I use google groups - it didn't show up right away that it was her
husband's idea.

Or, if
you want to travel, you can go with her and stay with her at his
parents for a week, but there is NO way that I would allow my daughter
to go anywhere for that long without me. None. Not under any
circumstances in the world. Not even if I were in the hospital or
something. Good God...

Sometimes life gets in the way. I am glad that you don't have any
circumstances in your life to ever be away. I hope it stays that way. I had
to be away from my kids during some points of their lives because of DD1
special needs and being in the hospital for months at a time. Middle daugher
was around 8 months when DD1 had to be in the hospital. I had to have
strangers/family/friends/husband keep her. It wasn't the end of the earth
for her because I have made sure that my kids are exposed to other people
for this very reason. Then I had to be away when DD3 was 4 and DD2 was 5 for
three months, again for a hospitalization.

There is a gigantic difference between leaving your child in the care
of people who are known to her because another child is in the hospital
(especially when they are 4 and 5 and able to understand what's going
on) and sending an infant to a foreign country to be cared for for a
long period of time by people she has never met. To compare the two is
absurd.

It was harder because they were
older, but again since I have exposed them to other people, they did fine.

You imply that my daughter isn't exposed to other people - like the two
of us are holed up in the house all day with the curtains drawn - which
is complete and utter bull****. She goes to WORK with me every single
day, and is exposed to a wide variety of people - from other people who
work in our building, to the UPS man, to the servers at restaurants,
etc. She goes out among people more than any other baby I know!

And of course dad was with them as much as he could.
I think your untrusting of people is really OTT.

Well, Sue, I think we've proven in other threads that our parenting
philosophies differ, and since you have three kids to my one, you've
decided that you're the lord high poobah of child rearing, and I know
nothing, but we'll see in 20 years whose kids are happier, ok?

I think your judgmentalism and superiority are OTT, so I guess we're
even.

Sometimes a person just cannot help situations. The
OP situation is of course optional,

....and so vastly different from the situation you describe that the two
are practically incomparable...

but still I have left my girls with my
mom so hubby and I could go on a trip.

As infants? I think that's wrong. I'm not afraid to say it.

I trust my family and I trust the
people that cared for my kids when I couldn't be there.

I trust my family. But they're not her mother. There is nothing I
have to be and nowhere I have to be that is more important than being
with her right now. When she's 4 or 5, I will gladly ship her off to
my hometown (90 minutes away) for overnights with her grandparents, but
right now she's a baby, and she deserves to be treated like one.

Amy

"Amy" wrote in message
There is a gigantic difference between leaving your child in the care
of people who are known to her because another child is in the hospital
(especially when they are 4 and 5 and able to understand what's going
on) and sending an infant to a foreign country to be cared for for a
long period of time by people she has never met. To compare the two is
absurd.

It was a reaction to you saying that you wouldn't even if you were in the
hospital. That was in correlation with my response about DD1 being in the
hospital and me having to have other caregivers. It had nothing to do with
the OP and her trip.

You imply that my daughter isn't exposed to other people - like the two
of us are holed up in the house all day with the curtains drawn - which
is complete and utter bull****. She goes to WORK with me every single
day, and is exposed to a wide variety of people - from other people who
work in our building, to the UPS man, to the servers at restaurants,
etc. She goes out among people more than any other baby I know!

Nope, I wasn't implying anything. You are reading too much into what I was
saying. I did imply that you don't use sitters like I did though and that
you won't leave her with anyone. I get from your messages that you don't
trust too many people and that was what I am responding to. I find your
mistrust kind of worrisome, but maybe I am too trusting. Who knows. I did
leave my kids and/or babies with sitters to people I have come to trust and
know. I compare my three kids because two were left with my mom when I
needed her to or even if I just needed a break and my third child was not
left with anyone because my mom died and I didn't have anyone else. DD3 is
definitely more reluctant to stay with caregivers or other people. So I
concluded in my own little study that I did the other two girls a favor by
exposing them more to other people. That's it. Nothing more.

Well, Sue, I think we've proven in other threads that our parenting
philosophies differ, and since you have three kids to my one, you've
decided that you're the lord high poobah of child rearing, and I know
nothing, but we'll see in 20 years whose kids are happier, ok?

Sounds like you are the one on the high horse. I have never professed to
have this parenting thing down. But, I definitely believe that children (or
at least mine) do better when they are exposed to others (my little study
again). I do have more experience than you do though and I am more relaxed
with parenting than when I was a new mother. So maybe that's what you are
picking up on.

Sue wrote:
but still I have left my girls with my
mom so hubby and I could go on a trip.

Amy wrote:
As infants? I think that's wrong. I'm not afraid to say it.

Yep as infants. And no it wasn't horrible. The kids and my mom had a blast
together and I got a much needed break. There was another time my best
freind kept the kids (I think DD3 was about a year old). It's hard caring
for a special needs child and when you do it day in and day out with no
breaks, it grinds on a person. So having a trip here and there or a night
out, was a much needed break.

I trust my family. But they're not her mother. There is nothing I
have to be and nowhere I have to be that is more important than being
with her right now.

I guess that's where we differ, because I carried on with my life and went
back to work when I could because it didn't bother me to have the girls in
the care of people who loved her too.
--
Sue (mom to three girls)

"Sue" wrote in message
...

Amy wrote:
As infants? I think that's wrong. I'm not afraid to say it.

Yep as infants. And no it wasn't horrible. The kids and my mom had a blast
together and I got a much needed break. There was another time my best
freind kept the kids (I think DD3 was about a year old). It's hard caring
for a special needs child and when you do it day in and day out with no
breaks, it grinds on a person. So having a trip here and there or a night
out, was a much needed break.

I have been leaving Emily with a close friend since she was about 6 wks old
to go skiing. I do NOT regret this, and credit my breaks away with pulling
me out of ppd. I took alot of flack for it here, but still feel it was best
for me. People get so damned opinionated...

"Workingmom" wrote in message
...
Their view can be influenced by the fact that most mothers work in Europe,
so most kids of age 8 mos is in some kind of daycare all day.

I work part-time, and my kids are in daycare the whole day I'm gone. I
would never let them go spend time with grandparents they don't know in
Europe, and they are 4 & 2 yo.

On 2006-04-29 22:53:51 +0800, "oregonchick" said:

My husband is from Germany. All his family is still there (We're in
the US). He travels back there for business trips about once a year,
and this year it will probably be in August. He wants to take the baby
with him to drop off at his parents while he is there on business for a
whole week. Emily will be 8 months at that time. My husband will not
be staying at the house for that time period. He assures me that his
mother will take perfect care of Emily, but I feel sooo uncomfortable
with this on so many levels. Regardless of whether or not she takes
perfect care, I can't imagine her being gone for a whole week, being so
far away, etc. Of course his parents will have very limited
opportunities to see their ONLY grandchild, so I feel a little guilty.

Opinions?

Betsy

hmm, it's making me feel sick in the stomach just thinking about it.
It's stressing me out! Don't do it. That's my pretty strong gut
instinct.

Jo

--
Woman, Wife, Mother, Midwife

Sue wrote:
"Amy" wrote in message
There is a gigantic difference between leaving your child in the care
of people who are known to her because another child is in the hospital
(especially when they are 4 and 5 and able to understand what's going
on) and sending an infant to a foreign country to be cared for for a
long period of time by people she has never met. To compare the two is
absurd.

It was a reaction to you saying that you wouldn't even if you were in the
hospital. That was in correlation with my response about DD1 being in the
hospital and me having to have other caregivers. It had nothing to do with
the OP and her trip.

She's nursing. I'm pump resistant. She won't take bottles. Until
she's a year old, if I have to be hospitalized, she would come with me.
In fact, I already spoke to the doctor about this, back when I had
bronchitis and I was afraid I might be hospitalized, and he agreed with
me.

Even if those factors weren't an issue, though, it would still require
something more dire than hospitalization to keep me away from her for
more than an hour or two. Over the course of her entire life, I have
spent 20 hours away from her - cumulative. I don't feel that anything
else is responsible mothering - unless a family's financial situation
truly won't allow a mother to be at home for the first year. YMMV.

You imply that my daughter isn't exposed to other people - like the two
of us are holed up in the house all day with the curtains drawn - which
is complete and utter bull****. She goes to WORK with me every single
day, and is exposed to a wide variety of people - from other people who
work in our building, to the UPS man, to the servers at restaurants,
etc. She goes out among people more than any other baby I know!

Nope, I wasn't implying anything. You are reading too much into what I was
saying. I did imply that you don't use sitters like I did though and that
you won't leave her with anyone.

She has stayed at home with a friend of mine and with my mother while
DH and I went out - each time we were gone for less than two hours (in
other words, we were home in time for the next nurse).

I think you're ****ed that your daughter can't find babysitting jobs,
and you've decided that every mother everywhere is overprotective as a
result, which just isn't true.

I get from your messages that you don't
trust too many people and that was what I am responding to. I find your
mistrust kind of worrisome, but maybe I am too trusting. Who knows.

I trust others just fine, but they are not her MOTHER. I think it's
sad that you think that your role in your children's life is so mundane
that you can be replaced by any paid substitute. I'm not sure if that
reflects low self-esteem or what, but it's sad.

I did
leave my kids and/or babies with sitters to people I have come to trust and
know. I compare my three kids because two were left with my mom when I
needed her to or even if I just needed a break and my third child was not
left with anyone because my mom died and I didn't have anyone else. DD3 is
definitely more reluctant to stay with caregivers or other people. So I
concluded in my own little study that I did the other two girls a favor by
exposing them more to other people. That's it. Nothing more.

I find it interesting that you think that "able to be left with others"
is a skill that needs to be developed at 8.5 months old. I don't think
so. In fact, I probably won't really leave her with anyone until she's
2, at which time she'll start pre-school 4 hours a day (because studies
have shown that up to 20 hours of pre-school/daycare per week is
actually beneficial for social development). I believe that my
availability and consistency in her early two years will cause her to
be MORE confident and independant later on. Read Sears - I'm not going
to rewrite his whole philosophy. I believe in attachment parenting.
It's the way I was raised (although they didn't call it that, then),
and my mom and I are close, and I am successful and independant.
That's what I want for my daughter.

Well, Sue, I think we've proven in other threads that our parenting
philosophies differ, and since you have three kids to my one, you've
decided that you're the lord high poobah of child rearing, and I know
nothing, but we'll see in 20 years whose kids are happier, ok?

Sounds like you are the one on the high horse.

Now who's reading what in? I am saying that NO ONE knows whether or
not their parenting style works until 20 years later. You do what you
can live with, and I'll do what I can live with. If I want to sit here
and be appalled that you think it's ok for oregonchick to let her
husband take their child out of the country and leave her with
strangers for a week while he's running all over Europe, it doesn't
hurt you any. She asked for opinions, and I gave mine.

I have never professed to
have this parenting thing down. But, I definitely believe that children (or
at least mine) do better when they are exposed to others (my little study
again).

My daughter is exposed to "others" every single day.

I do have more experience than you do though and I am more relaxed
with parenting than when I was a new mother. So maybe that's what you are
picking up on.

No, I think I'm picking up on your superior attitude, in general.

Sue wrote:
but still I have left my girls with my
mom so hubby and I could go on a trip.

Amy wrote:
As infants? I think that's wrong. I'm not afraid to say it.

Yep as infants. And no it wasn't horrible.

My mileage varies.

The kids and my mom had a blast
together and I got a much needed break. There was another time my best
freind kept the kids (I think DD3 was about a year old). It's hard caring
for a special needs child and when you do it day in and day out with no
breaks, it grinds on a person. So having a trip here and there or a night
out, was a much needed break.

In that situation, I would have left the older two and taken the baby
with me.

I trust my family. But they're not her mother. There is nothing I
have to be and nowhere I have to be that is more important than being
with her right now.

I guess that's where we differ, because I carried on with my life and went
back to work when I could because it didn't bother me to have the girls in
the care of people who loved her too.

I just LOVE it when mothers say "my life went on," or talk about their
"me" time... This IS my life. I want it this way. Nothing makes me
happier or more fulfilled than raising my little girl. It is the
single most important thing I have ever done, or will ever do. I had
30 years of "me time" before I had her, and I'll have plenty when she's
running around with her friends, or when she leaves home. These first
two years, though, when she needs me so much, when I am the center of
her little world - they don't last, and I am going to enjoy it and be
present for it and make sure that I am there for her in every way that
I can be. I am going to be responsive to her needs, and I am not going
to let her cry. The days when I can fix all of her problems with a
cuddle and a nurse don't last - why would I want to push her out of my
arms?

I have a very balanced life - I work. I have friends. I do things
that I enjoy. But I do them with her around - she comes to work with
me. She comes out with me. Yeah, I've missed a few late parties and
meetings, but so what? It is infinitely more important that I be here
to tuck her into bed than it is that I go to a stupid party. There
will be plenty of time for parties when she's bigger.

I do not have a bucket baby - the kind who are in their car seat 24/7 -
with a bottle propped up on a blanket and plugged into their mouth. My
daughter is, and has been since day one, up in my arms or in the Baby
Bjorn and looking at people in the eye. She is engaged in the world
around her. She is signing already, and talking, and she's going to
walk any minute. Everyone who sees her comments on how intelligent she
looks, and how she seems more "plugged in" to the world than other
babies - and indeed, we spent time with 5 other babies over the
weekend, and the difference between my kid and the others was
remarkable. A friend of mine asked why she doesn't have a flat spot on
the back of her head like my friend's daughter has - I replied,
"Because I don't put her down." My friend's daughter spends the bulk
of her time in the stroller, the car seat, the pack and play - my kid
won't stand for that. It's exhausting keeping her busy. It is tiring
to keep her entertained 24/7, and it would be INFINITELY easier if I
could just stick her in her carseat, leave her with a sitter, and go
out and play. But I didn't sign up for motherhood because the brochure
said it was easy.

Again, I think it's really sad that you think you're so easily replaced
in your babies' lives. I don't know what kind of relationship you
have with your mother, but I know how I was raised and what kind of
relationship I have with mine, and I know that I want the same for my
daughter and me. As a parent, I am doing what works for my child and
me and our family. That's the bottom line.

Amy