What to do about crying

Forgive me if the answer to this question is elementary, but I have
been out of the child-rearing routine for quite some time.
My son has recently been seeing a lady that has a four year old little
girl. The little girl is just darling and can be such a delight.
However, anytime a situation such as leaving when she doesn't want to,
eating where she doesn't want, etc. etc. comes about she cries to get
her way and apparently this has been working for her with her mom.
The mom stated that she has just begun to realize this and is trying
to work with her on it, but so far nothing is successful. The
child is in daycare so I'm sure that she's familiar with timeouts, but
this just doesn't seem to be working at home. Can anyone make
suggestions to help modify this behavior pattern?

In article ,
(mypet) wrote:

Forgive me if the answer to this question is elementary, but I have
been out of the child-rearing routine for quite some time.
My son has recently been seeing a lady that has a four year old little
girl. The little girl is just darling and can be such a delight.
However, anytime a situation such as leaving when she doesn't want to,
eating where she doesn't want, etc. etc. comes about she cries to get
her way and apparently this has been working for her with her mom.
The mom stated that she has just begun to realize this and is trying
to work with her on it, but so far nothing is successful. The
child is in daycare so I'm sure that she's familiar with timeouts, but
this just doesn't seem to be working at home. Can anyone make
suggestions to help modify this behavior pattern?

it is a good idea to observe and write down chains of events -- perhaps
there are particular triggers e.g. it happens when she is tired or
hungry or whatever. changing patterns of activity to avoid chains of
behavior can help.

then do not reward the behavior -- if you reward it once in ten times,
you are strengthening it --encouraging persistence

she is old enough to be told that crying to get her way is not
acceptable and that in the future she will have to go [to whatever
private place works for you as time out] until she can get her tears
under control and discuss what she wants. if the answer is no, then,
tears should be ignored and as little attention given as possible.

she has been learning to do this for a long time, so it may take quite
awhile for this to work -- the key is being kind and not frazzled but
also in being very consistent --

be consistent and hang in for awhile

and time out should not be punishment but a way for someone to get
control of themselves -- use it that way, rewarding her with
attentiveness when she is ready to leave time out and talk about her
wishes

make sure she is getting lots of reward and attention when she is going
the things you find delightful

mypet wrote:
Forgive me if the answer to this question is elementary, but I have
been out of the child-rearing routine for quite some time.
My son has recently been seeing a lady that has a four year old little
girl. The little girl is just darling and can be such a delight.
However, anytime a situation such as leaving when she doesn't want to,
eating where she doesn't want, etc. etc. comes about she cries to get
her way and apparently this has been working for her with her mom.
The mom stated that she has just begun to realize this and is trying
to work with her on it, but so far nothing is successful. The
child is in daycare so I'm sure that she's familiar with timeouts, but
this just doesn't seem to be working at home. Can anyone make
suggestions to help modify this behavior pattern?

The main thing is to NEVER give her what she wants when she cries. I
wouldn't do anything else - no timeouts or other punishments - just do
not give in, nor should you argue with her or try to explain your
reasons. (No doubt she's heard them all before, and reasoning with small
kids - and sometimes big ones, like my teenager! - rarely works.) If
you are in public where her carrying on may annoy others, take her home
(if possible), with no rewards. She eventually will stop when she gets
no response. And be patient, it will take some doing.

In article ,
Ignoramus12517 wrote:

In article , Ericka Kammerer wrote:
mypet wrote:

Forgive me if the answer to this question is elementary, but I have
been out of the child-rearing routine for quite some time.
My son has recently been seeing a lady that has a four year old little
girl. The little girl is just darling and can be such a delight.
However, anytime a situation such as leaving when she doesn't want to,
eating where she doesn't want, etc. etc. comes about she cries to get
her way and apparently this has been working for her with her mom.
The mom stated that she has just begun to realize this and is trying
to work with her on it, but so far nothing is successful. The
child is in daycare so I'm sure that she's familiar with timeouts, but
this just doesn't seem to be working at home. Can anyone make
suggestions to help modify this behavior pattern?


The only truly effective thing to do is make
her tactics ineffective. As soon as she realizes it
doesn't work anymore, she'll stop. That might take
a while if she's been very successful with crying in
the past, but it will work.

Imagine this situation. You go to a restaurant where she does not want
to eat. She throws a big tantrum.

What can you do except leave?

Not much.

Other situations can be managed. Say you want to go to a park and she
does not want to go. You can make her go.

But how can you make her eat where she does not want to?

I recommend a book called _Parent Effectiveness Training_. You do not
have to agree with it entirely (I do not), but it has quite a few
useful ideas on the parent/child conflict.

i


effective parents tend to be those who are willing to inconvenience
themselves for the good of their child -- which means being willing to
take the kid home from an event they personally would prefer to stay at
rather than buy them something or whatever

We only had to haul our kids out of a party or restaurant once each --
to let them know we would follow through if they didn't behave -- some
kids need more trials to learn

if the leaving doesn't lead to better food and more attention, it will
not be seen as rewarding

Hi -

If it's a problem with leaving a fun activity, then the approach should
be two-pronged.

First, remember that many young children have trouble with transitions:
from activity to activity, from place to place. So give her a 10-minute
warning, then a 5-minute warning, then a 1-minute warning, and then tell
her it's time to go.

Second, when it's time to go, just go. If she cries, take her anyway.

It also helped us to remind our kids BEFORE arriving someplace about the
polite way to leave. And we told them that if they couldn't leave
politely, they wouldn't be able to go again for a while. Ie, "leave the
playdate nicely when it's time to go or there won't be more playdates
for a week."

Remember, consistency is the key for effective parenting. Be consisten
in your actions, and make sure that what you say is consistent with what
you do.

I hope these suggestions help,
--Beth Kevles

http://web.mit.edu/kevles/www/nomilk.html -- a page for the milk-allergic
Disclaimer: Nothing in this message should be construed as medical
advice. Please consult with your own medical practicioner.

NOTE: No email is read at my MIT address. Use the AOL one if you would
like me to reply.

In article ,
Alison wrote:

mypet wrote:
Forgive me if the answer to this question is elementary, but I have
been out of the child-rearing routine for quite some time.
My son has recently been seeing a lady that has a four year old little
girl. The little girl is just darling and can be such a delight.
However, anytime a situation such as leaving when she doesn't want to,
eating where she doesn't want, etc. etc. comes about she cries to get
her way and apparently this has been working for her with her mom.
The mom stated that she has just begun to realize this and is trying
to work with her on it, but so far nothing is successful. The
child is in daycare so I'm sure that she's familiar with timeouts, but
this just doesn't seem to be working at home. Can anyone make
suggestions to help modify this behavior pattern?

The main thing is to NEVER give her what she wants when she cries. I
wouldn't do anything else - no timeouts or other punishments - just do
not give in, nor should you argue with her or try to explain your
reasons. (No doubt she's heard them all before, and reasoning with small
kids - and sometimes big ones, like my teenager! - rarely works.) If
you are in public where her carrying on may annoy others, take her home
(if possible), with no rewards. She eventually will stop when she gets
no response. And be patient, it will take some doing.





I second the idea of not yammering on and on all the time -- explain
once clearly with the child's attention if you are starting a new set of
rules -- then don't explain over and over each time -- or give second
chances after the first time -- just act consistently

mypet wrote:

Forgive me if the answer to this question is elementary, but I have
been out of the child-rearing routine for quite some time.
My son has recently been seeing a lady that has a four year old little
girl. The little girl is just darling and can be such a delight.
However, anytime a situation such as leaving when she doesn't want to,
eating where she doesn't want, etc. etc. comes about she cries to get
her way and apparently this has been working for her with her mom.
The mom stated that she has just begun to realize this and is trying
to work with her on it, but so far nothing is successful. The
child is in daycare so I'm sure that she's familiar with timeouts, but
this just doesn't seem to be working at home. Can anyone make
suggestions to help modify this behavior pattern?


The only truly effective thing to do is make
her tactics ineffective. As soon as she realizes it
doesn't work anymore, she'll stop. That might take
a while if she's been very successful with crying in
the past, but it will work.

Best wishes,
Ericka

My best weapon against crying (and whining) has been to engage the
kids in a more tolerable form of self-expression. I tell my daughters
that I will listen (and consider) any complaints they have so long as
they *speak *, not cry or whine. I try to find a compromise which will
satisfy their complaint, when I can, and even when I cannot, talking
it over usually diffuses them.

--Lisabell


On 13 Nov 2003 12:46:06 -0800, (mypet)
wrote:

Forgive me if the answer to this question is elementary, but I have
been out of the child-rearing routine for quite some time.
My son has recently been seeing a lady that has a four year old little
girl. The little girl is just darling and can be such a delight.
However, anytime a situation such as leaving when she doesn't want to,
eating where she doesn't want, etc. etc. comes about she cries to get
her way and apparently this has been working for her with her mom.
The mom stated that she has just begun to realize this and is trying
to work with her on it, but so far nothing is successful. The
child is in daycare so I'm sure that she's familiar with timeouts, but
this just doesn't seem to be working at home. Can anyone make
suggestions to help modify this behavior pattern?

"Ignoramus12517" wrote in message
...
In article , Ericka Kammerer wrote:
mypet wrote:

Forgive me if the answer to this question is elementary, but I have
been out of the child-rearing routine for quite some time.
My son has recently been seeing a lady that has a four year old little
girl. The little girl is just darling and can be such a delight.
However, anytime a situation such as leaving when she doesn't want to,
eating where she doesn't want, etc. etc. comes about she cries to get
her way and apparently this has been working for her with her mom.
The mom stated that she has just begun to realize this and is trying
to work with her on it, but so far nothing is successful. The
child is in daycare so I'm sure that she's familiar with timeouts, but
this just doesn't seem to be working at home. Can anyone make
suggestions to help modify this behavior pattern?


The only truly effective thing to do is make
her tactics ineffective. As soon as she realizes it
doesn't work anymore, she'll stop. That might take
a while if she's been very successful with crying in
the past, but it will work.

Imagine this situation. You go to a restaurant where she does not want
to eat. She throws a big tantrum.

What can you do except leave?

Not much.

that's right.


Other situations can be managed. Say you want to go to a park and she
does not want to go. You can make her go.

But how can you make her eat where she does not want to?

you do not. unless you want to risk an eating disorder. you offer and let
*her* decide when she is done.


I recommend a book called _Parent Effectiveness Training_. You do not
have to agree with it entirely (I do not), but it has quite a few
useful ideas on the parent/child conflict.

i

In article ,
Ignoramus12517 wrote:

In article , Stephanie and Tim
wrote:
"Ignoramus12517" wrote in message
Imagine this situation. You go to a restaurant where she does not want
to eat. She throws a big tantrum.

What can you do except leave?

Not much.

that's right.

Glad that we agree.


Other situations can be managed. Say you want to go to a park and she
does not want to go. You can make her go.

But how can you make her eat where she does not want to?

you do not. unless you want to risk an eating disorder. you offer and let
*her* decide when she is done.

Right. To be fair, there are some tricks. Do not give the kid snacks
for 2-3 hours before, and exercise them. That will get them hungry.

Other than that, I think, a child deserves some word on where *not* to
eat.

this leads to these looney families who end up driving from one fast
food joint to another so each kid gets exactly what they want -- and
then turns them loose on the world with the expectation that they will
be catered to at every moment

I agree that kids should share in choice making as they are able -- it
is good training for them -- but crying because she doesn't want to eat
where Mommy chooses -- fye on that.