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  #21  
Old May 17th 04, 02:31 PM
lm
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Default Can't let the disfunction out too early... LOL

On Sun, 16 May 2004 11:10:53 -0400, "Kristi Carney"
wrote:


Discuss amongst yourselves... I'll give you a topic: Is she dysfunctional?
And is that a "dis" or is she "functional"? What's the relation between the
two? (Saturday Night Live and Mad TV are my saving grace.... without the
sense of humor, I would've blown up a long time ago... I mean it!)


Jon Stewart does it for me. Funny *and* smart, and with a certain
something too.

Are you near Charleston?

lm
  #22  
Old May 17th 04, 02:46 PM
lm
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Default Expunging Feelings...

On Sun, 16 May 2004 19:38:12 -0400, "Kristi Carney"
wrote:

Kate,

Thank you! Just from you and Celia... I already feel a warm hug... and it
helps.. it helps me tremendously. You mentioned different ethnic
backgrounds.. same here.. and even more complicated.. because it is likened
or can be likened to a black/white situation.. but not really. I was
adopted from Korea (my sister is my bio sister and was adopted as well) by
caucasian parents. I love my parents.. etc.. but there have been issues
attributed to being adopted... alone... and race identity/etc..

So.. obviously.. I'm Asian...

My daughter's father is a black male... poor... nothing like what I am...
and not raised in the same way either. In his family (and maybe the
culture)...


Hmm, a bit judgmental maybe?

children out of wedlock is commonplace.. not an anomaly. Not
only that... extended family raises the children.. etc... but I don't see an
emphasis on education or anything else... goal-oriented..

I was not in love with and didn't love and don't love my daughter's father.
I know many will probably say yeah right... we could all say we "got caught
up"... but how would you explain his high school education to my master's
degree level education and my ambition and drive... versus his...
dishwasher... jumping from job to minimum wage job?


Wow. Seems to me your feelings for your ex go beyond his not being a
proper father.

Just some examples.

And no.. I don't want to seem or sound racist, because I am not.


Hmm.

I prefer
to date black males... at the time.. 21-22 years of age.. I did a lot of
things that were self-destructive.


So dating black males is self-destructive?

I drank a lot.. geesh... that year was a
haze.. I partied a lot.. I did a lot to NOT have to deal with identity
issues.. etc... and therefore.. my behavior is what got me pregnant... not
that I hadn't been raised right.. etc..


You keep referring to your upbringing as being a positive thing --
middle class, educated, "raised right" -- yet your family has largely
abandoned you.

But I attribute this behavior to depression as well... seriously... I have
been a depressed "sad girl" for as long as I can remember... there has
always been something underlying there... some undercurrent... not feeling
good... EVER about myself.. and people maybe perceiving that as "low
self-esteem" or "low self-confidence".. but it wasn't that...

I have been highly skilled at masking my depression... being that "good
girl" in the respect of NO discipline problems.. honor roll grades...
respecting my parents.. and following the rules.. having plenty of friends..
no problems there... but as far as the way I have felt inside... that's
another story... so... that time was a very very very dark/black time in my
life... I medicated my LIFE with alcohol and didn't sober up all the way
around until pregnancy... and I haven't had drinks of that nature since.. a
light went on and I became a very very very responsible person from
conception on....

I realize that to go any further in my life... I am going to have to get the
insides to match my outward life... that has me living independently, paying
my bills, being ambitious and involved in my daughter's life... because
you're right...it would feel great to feel good... instead of like **** all
the time (pardon the cursing there... but it describes how I feel
perfectly). I mean... that would be liberating. And it's something I know
I HAVE to do for myself. Because.... nothing is changing on it's own.. it's
really not.. it's just trapping me and putting me on hold and in a stagnant
position... that's not good at all... and in that respect.. I agree.. My
daughter deserves to have a very coherent ALL THE WAY HERE parent in me...
and I deserve to feel good too.


Your interior/exterior sounds a lot like me. Good grades, nice girl,
etc, but depressed. I've got crap self-esteem too but otherwise it
sounds similar. I've just recently started taking Effexor. I was
anti-meds forever, plus I subsisted on my own adrenaline for years
with my schedule, but it's something to think about. Works pretty
well, no side effects to speak of.

lm
  #23  
Old May 17th 04, 06:35 PM
Tiffany
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Default Introduction


'Kate wrote in message ...
On Mon, 17 May 2004 11:37:57 +1000, quietguy

Talk about calling the kettle black Kate - YOU used and spelt

"dysfunctional"
correctly, and in context!! :-)

David


hehe... damn. I've been caught. The education process does result in
learning. I got my BS Friday. :-) I'm one step closer to where I
belong and it feels good.

'Kate




Totally awesome Kate. Time to party/take a vacation/something fun.

T


  #24  
Old May 17th 04, 07:05 PM
Gordy
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Default Introduction

Kristi Carney wrote:

Hi Everyone!

I just figured out how to subscribe to these newsgroups this morning... so
I'm trying my hand at it . I am a single mother of a beautiful 5 year
old
daughter. I never married her father and that was probably one of the
BEST
decisions I've made in my entire life! She is my world, can't imagine
life without her, but I feel the need to find support amongst other single
parents, because it is rough... it is very very very rough working full
time (I'm a special education teacher on the high school level) and then
parenting full time. If you hadn't gathered, my daughter's father is very
very very uninvolved. Things got really messy when he discovered that I
wasn't going to put up with any more of his **** and I kicked him out
(when our daughter was 1) and then after another year of harassment and
verbal
abuse, I took him to court and that solved that. Now... it's more of day
to day struggle... finally being ready to get back in the dating game
(have had a few foul ups in between now and prior to)... I just don't
know... I have a lot of things going for me... and a lot of things going
against me...

Just basically wanted to say hello and hope that this group will be useful
and supportive!

Thanks!

Kristi

Welcome to the group... I am also new to this group. I am a single dad
finding it a little hard to cope so I thought I would check out this
newsgroup...

Welcome anyway :-)

Gordy

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  #25  
Old May 17th 04, 07:44 PM
Dennis Here
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Default Introduction

"Kristi Carney" wrote in message news

Just basically wanted to say hello and hope that this group will be useful
and supportive!


Hello and greetings from Ireland

Dennis
  #26  
Old May 17th 04, 08:52 PM
Karen O'Mara
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Default Introduction

"Nick" wrote in message ...
whoa.....

nearly missed it

(when its good news can ya'll ...wave a white hankie... or summat?)

*Congrats*... well done an all that stuff

n

... sooo, (the important stuff)... whens the party?...where... will there be
beer? are we all invited?...



Congrats from me, too, 'Kate! For some reason, I never see your
original posts, but catch stuff in follow-ups.

Karen
  #27  
Old May 17th 04, 08:55 PM
greenall
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Default Expunging Feelings...


"Kristi Carney" wrote in message

snip

at the time.. 21-22 years of age.. I did a lot of
things that were self-destructive. I drank a lot.. geesh... that year was

a
haze.. I partied a lot.. I did a lot to NOT have to deal with identity
issues.. etc... and therefore.. my behavior is what got me pregnant... not
that I hadn't been raised right.. etc..


So now you have taken the moral highground and are judging from where you
are now rather than where both you and the father were a few years ago.

Your pregnancy and motherhood changed you. Perhaps something else is needed
to change the father. Perhaps it will never happen.
Either way you have some cheek coming here slagging him off when, by your
own admission, you became pregnant during a 12 month drunken haze and now
moralise about his lifestyle.

Dennis


  #28  
Old May 17th 04, 11:16 PM
Kristi Carney
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Default Expunging Feelings...

lm,

Thanks for the response. I am definitely going to check in to meds/options
when I go see the family doc. I'm tired of feeling like shiznit... tired of
all the tears (from where do they come?) and I think prior to now... my life
was hectic enough I wasn't able to sit down, ponder, and be "depressed" so
to speak. Great coping skills/mechanism... whatever you want to call it.

And the other stuff I'll address in a minute.. because it appears as if I've
given the wrong impression.... in respect to my daughter's father...

Kristi


  #29  
Old May 17th 04, 11:23 PM
Kristi Carney
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Default Opposites don't always attract...

Dennis,

NO! I'm not taking the moral high ground. I take just as much
responsibility for my pregnancy and the birth and raising of my daughter as
I've ever had. You know what? I hate it when it feels as though 'support'
is more or less like attack. You may be a single parent, but you will NEVER
be a single mother. You didn't go through nine months (40 weeks is
technically 10 months) of pregnancy. I shifted to auto-pilot... so part of
me wants to say "screw you"... the other part of me wants to clarify.

Age 21-22.... who knows what the hell they are doing?! I sure didn't. I am
admitting that.. here at age 28. YES... I have grown up... 5 years later..
NO... my daughter's father HASN'T grown up. He was never supportive during
the pregnancy... and he was never an involved father, period... and when I
finally got tired of being someone's douche bag by all respects... I kicked
him out... and for that... I got a year of harassment and threats and panic
and anxiety attacks. So.. if you think that's fair... whatever. I don't
have to explain or justify anything to you... because you don't live this.

It's easy to say I'm on some moral high horse... but you don't know me well
enough to say that... and that's not a fair statement, period. It's
sometimes rough in these group discussion board settings to intimate
everything that I'm thinking and feeling... and even more difficult to put
in the necessary emphasis and voice inflections... but... in no way have I
hampered anything that's gone on in his life...

I tried to work things out amicably...even took my daughter up to see him
every other weekend for the first year... and when I was still getting
abused... I said screw this and went to court... to have visitation set up
and child support ordered.. does he follow the court order? Not at all. He
doesn't visit his daughter. He doesn't call to see about her... and me...
I've been given the lovely task of being civil... being accommodating.. of
"being the bigger person" all the time... and get what? I get flack from
someone like you who just sees black and white... not grey... and the fact
that I AM being a parent... and the fact that HE isn't... period... end of
story.

Do I think people can change? Yes.. I hope that they do and will change as
they mature... but has it happened in 5 years? Not yet. So.. if I'm on
moral high ground... I have a right to sound that way... when I'm being both
mother and father. You may not see it that way because you HAVE stepped up
to the plate... but I see it that way when he has not.

Kristi


  #30  
Old May 17th 04, 11:31 PM
Kristi Carney
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Default Location...

Hey lm,

I'm 3 hours away from Charleston...

Kristi


 




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