friend moving, DS acting out

DS's very best friend is moving next month. DS knows this and is very upset
by it. He's been moody and downright mean the last few days, constantly
getting time outs for hitting his sister or kicking the dog or some other
unacceptable act. Yesterday, after a day of being disciplined, he broke
down a sobbed about his friend moving away. DS couldn't understand why his
friend's parents would want to take him away from him.

I know DS's upset, but the behavior is not acceptable. What to do? I've
invited his friend for extra playdates and we moved DS's birthday party up
so his friend could come. I've told him about all the ways they could keep
in touch, but DS knows that his friend will be many states away and the
chance of seeing him again is pretty slim. I am so sad for him, but I don't
know what to do about his behavior. The timeouts don't work, because DS is
so depressed about the whole thing. I know when I'm depressed, I just don't
care, so that must be him right now.

It's becoming a viscious cycle. The more I punish him, the worse his mood
is and the more he acts out. OTOH, I can't just let his behavior slide
without notice. Any advice would be appreciated.

Hi --

Summer is a time when a LOT of families move. So, in tandem with all
the great suggestions about dealing with his best friend leaving, you
might also talk to him about how hard it can be to be the new kid in
town. Then start scouting for new kids in the area, perhaps someone
who'll be starting new at his school, church(?), in the neighborhood.
Talk about how to be welcoming to new kids and families, and then put
that talk into action. You can welcome a new family, provide a
moving-in day meal (should you be lucky enough to find out when they're
moving in :-), bring the new kid(s) to a local park to play, introduce
the new kids to other friends, and so forth.

I don't know if this suggestion is practical, but I hope it gives you
some ideas about how to draw your son out of himself in a way that will
help him through this episode, and help him to figure out how to deal
with similiar situations in the future.

Good luck,
--Beth Kevles
-THE-COM-HERE
http://web.mit.edu/kevles/www/nomilk.html -- a page for the milk-allergic
Disclaimer: Nothing in this message should be construed as medical
advice. Please consult with your own medical practicioner.

NOTE: No email is read at my MIT address. Use the GMAIL one if you would
like me to reply.

"Beth Kevles" wrote in message
...

Hi --

Summer is a time when a LOT of families move. So, in tandem with all
the great suggestions about dealing with his best friend leaving, you
might also talk to him about how hard it can be to be the new kid in
town. Then start scouting for new kids in the area, perhaps someone
who'll be starting new at his school, church(?), in the neighborhood.
Talk about how to be welcoming to new kids and families, and then put
that talk into action. You can welcome a new family, provide a
moving-in day meal (should you be lucky enough to find out when they're
moving in :-), bring the new kid(s) to a local park to play, introduce
the new kids to other friends, and so forth.

I don't know if this suggestion is practical, but I hope it gives you
some ideas about how to draw your son out of himself in a way that will
help him through this episode, and help him to figure out how to deal
with similiar situations in the future.

Those are some very good ideas. Our school has a very low turnover, but
with his buddy moving, there should be at least one new kid coming in to
replace him.