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My Wife's Sense of Inadequacy
I have a question and figured this was as good a place as any to ask for
advice. My wife has been unable to produce adequate milk to breastfeed our son and she feels inadequate as a result of this. I tell her that it's not her fault but she refuses to believe it. She seems to think that she has done something wrong in the past and that this is her punishment. She has large breasts and we both thought that this would mean the production of milk wouldn't be a problem. I guess we didn't do our homework. Or she's just an unusual case. This experience has ruined what we thought would be a joyous time in our lives. My question is this: What can I tell her to help ease her mind a little? I find myself at a loss in putting it just right. I'm conscious of stumbling in the attempt, which seems to make things even worse. Any suggestions? Thank you. Michael |
#2
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My Wife's Sense of Inadequacy
Michael Rosen writes:
: I have a question and figured this was as good a place as any to ask for : advice. My wife has been unable to produce adequate milk to breastfeed our : son and she feels inadequate as a result of this. I tell her that it's not : her fault but she refuses to believe it. She seems to think that she has : done something wrong in the past and that this is her punishment. She has : large breasts and we both thought that this would mean the production of : milk wouldn't be a problem. I guess we didn't do our homework. Or she's : just an unusual case. This experience has ruined what we thought would be a : joyous time in our lives. My question is this: What can I tell her to help : ease her mind a little? I find myself at a loss in putting it just right. : I'm conscious of stumbling in the attempt, which seems to make things even : worse. Any suggestions? Thank you. : Michael The answer to this question is not as simple as your question seems to hint. First, how old is your baby? There are often a lot of things that happen during the birth experience that can sabotogue a woman's attempt to breastfeed, and this can even be caused by well meaning nurses or other professinal personnel. If the baby is still young enough, there may still be time to try to improve your wife's supply so that she could nurse directly. Just to round out things, the most likely culprits for real inadequacy is breast reduction (or enlargement) surgery which cuts the milk ducts, and a birth experience which includes the possibility of a retained placenta or parts of a retained placenta. So the first questioh is has your wife every had breast reduction or augmentation surgery? Second, was the birth vaginal or a c-section, and was there any hemorhage problem or other reason to think there was any retained placenta fragments. Did she have to have a later D&C to stop bleeding? If none of these things happened, then we have to look further for the reason. How long did your wife try to breastfeed before she gave up the attempt. How old is the baby now. Usually a mothers milk comes in between 3 and 5 days after birth, and it is not wise to supplement before then. If supplementation is necessary, she should also not use a bottle but should use gavage, an SNS system, or some other method that does not compromise the baby's ability to suck. Why don't your repost your questions with a little more detail about your history and how you jointly came to the conclusion that she was not producting enough milk. You should also tell us what techiniques you tried to use to increase her milk supply, and how long you employed those techniques. Best wishes, Larry |
#3
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My Wife's Sense of Inadequacy
Michael Rosen wrote: I have a question and figured this was as good a place as any to ask for advice. My wife has been unable to produce adequate milk to breastfeed our son and she feels inadequate as a result of this. I tell her that it's not her fault but she refuses to believe it. She seems to think that she has done something wrong in the past and that this is her punishment. She has large breasts and we both thought that this would mean the production of milk wouldn't be a problem. I guess we didn't do our homework. Or she's just an unusual case. This experience has ruined what we thought would be a joyous time in our lives. My question is this: What can I tell her to help ease her mind a little? I find myself at a loss in putting it just right. I'm conscious of stumbling in the attempt, which seems to make things even worse. Any suggestions? Thank you. I had a hell of a time breastfeeding my now-12-week-old baby. It took her 4 weeks to gain back her birthweight, instead of the recommended two. We were going to the ped. weekly for weigh-ins. We did supplement a little, but we're not supplementing much anymore. If I try, she refuses, so I figure she isn't hungry anymore. When she was hungry, she took it. When she's not, she lets it run right out the side of her mouth. Here's what worked for me: 1) Reglan - available by prescription from your doctor. Get domperidone if you can, though, because it's supposed to be better. Unfortunately, it's uncommon, so doctors are unfamiliar with it and unwilling to prescribe it, and if you can get a prescription, it has to be compounded. Your doctor will tell you which pharmacies in your area are compounding pharmacies. 2) Oxytocin nasal spray - again, this has to be compounded, but using it for a few days "teaches" the breasts to let down. It made a major difference for me. 3) Fenugreek - available at the health food store. You have to take a bunch - I take 8 - 12 capsules a day - but it helps my milk production. I'm still on it. Buy it online - it's cheaper than the health food store by half. 4) Oatmeal - eat it. Also keeps you regular, which is happy. 5) Call the La Leche League and talk to a leader. Have her evaluate the baby's latch. It turns out my kid was latching poorly, which led to low supply. The first day that I corrected this, after seeing the LLL leader, I leaked through my shirt for the first time. I cried and cried over having to supplement (both with an SNS and a bottle). I'm pump resistant, too, so that makes it even harder, I can't even pump off a bottle for the baby. But you know what? It's working now. It took a hell of a lot of blood, sweat, and tears, and a lot of being willing to try anything, but my kid is gaining well, now. She weighed 10 lb. 5 oz. today at the doc. That's a gain of 18 oz. in less than 3 weeks, which is right on track. How old is your baby? Have you already switched to formula? Have your wife e-mail me, if she wants. Only someone who has been there can truly understand how it feels. In fact, if she would rather talk on the phone, e-mail me your phone number and I'll call her tomorrow. I'm assuming you're in the US from your e-mail address. I know what you mean about it ruining the joyous time. It did for us, too. That, and some PPD that I refused to admit. But we're doing so much better now at 12 weeks. It really will be ok. Hang in there. Take care, Amy |
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My Wife's Sense of Inadequacy
It's difficult to be much of a comfort, because it is so rare for a women to
be genuinely unable to produce enough milk, Larry and Amy have posted wonderful suggestions and if she does fall into the catergory of not being able to produce enough then you can comfort her that is is rare and not her fault. If she doesn't then depending on how old your baby is, it may not be too late. I felt awful supplementing my first, it was partly him having quite a weak suck so my supply dipped and it took a long time to get it back up, also I was quite ill, so I wasn't looking after myself properly. He was supplemented from 4.5 months to about 6 months. At that stage most people wouldn't have bothered getting supply back up, but for me it was really important, for a month my aim was to get him back to fully breastfed, we had just about cracked it, then there was another blip, so he had mostly formula overlapping with him starting solids, but we got him back exclusively to the breast and ebm when at daycare and he nursed until 17 months. The really good thing is that despite having such trouble first time, with such a sensitive supply that even a long sleep could reduce milk production for several days, 2nd time around everything is going swimmingly, this time a long sleep is more likely to lead to a plugged duct! Cheers Anne |
#5
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My Wife's Sense of Inadequacy
In message , Michael
Rosen writes I have a question and figured this was as good a place as any to ask for advice. My wife has been unable to produce adequate milk to breastfeed our son and she feels inadequate as a result of this. I tell her that it's not her fault but she refuses to believe it. I'm so sorry that your wife is finding this so hard. Firstly, considering how many women apparently consider 'I don't want to lose my figure' or 'I don't want to be tied down' as a reason not even to _try_ to breastfeed, I would say your wife is to be commended greatly for even trying. I'm sorry to hear it didn't work out, although, as Larry and Amy pointed out, the possibility of breastfeeding may not be past tense. I do know that it must be difficult and disappointing for her if she wanted to breastfeed and couldn't do so. But it's worrying that her reaction has been so strong. She seems to think that she has done something wrong in the past and that this is her punishment. That's very concerning. She may be thinking of something specific that she believes she's done wrong (which may or may not be something she feels able to tell you about, if she's deeply ashamed of whatever it is). If she's already feeling eaten up by guilt over some real or imagined past misdeed, this may simply have given her guilt something to focus on. Alternatively, of course, it's perfectly possible that she doesn't have anything specific in mind but simply believes that if she were a better person she'd be able to keep to some standard of Perfect Motherhood that she's created in her mind. Either way, this isn't mentally healthy. This sort of thinking can sometimes (only sometimes) be a sign of clinical depression. It can also help _cause_ clinical depression (these things can be a vicious circle). She needs to explore these feelings, quite possibly with the help of a cognitive therapist (cognitive therapy is a branch of therapy that works on challenging these sorts of negative assumptions and beliefs and replacing them with a more realistic outlook). Does she normally set harsh standards for judging herself? If this is part of a pattern, it could be that she needs to learn to be less harsh on herself overall. Does she normally set standards this harsh in judging others? She may well be easier on others than she is on herself, and this may be helpful in getting her to gain more perspective. For example, it would be worth finding out whether her own mother breastfed her and whether this is something she factors into her assessment of whether her mother did a good mothering job. (My mother gave up breastfeeding me when I was six weeks old, due to terrible advice from a stupid, insensitive jerk of a doctor, but that has never affected the way I feel about her overall capabilities as a mother or caused me to think any less of her. If the same is true of your wife, then this may help her to realise that your baby will someday feel the same way.) Obviously, if the advice other people have given you in this thread works and she does manage to breastfeed after all, that will be a wonderful bonus. However, even if that happens, she still needs to look at why she's being so hard on herself over this. If she keeps on judging herself this harshly over every real or imagined infraction of whatever standards she's set for herself, it's going to have major consequences for her and your son's enjoyment of their relationship. Please do stay in touch and let us know more details and update us on how things are going. All the best, Sarah -- http://www.goodenoughmummy.blogspot.com But how do we _know_ that nobody ever said on their deathbed that they wished they’d spent more time at the office? |
#6
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My Wife's Sense of Inadequacy
Michael Rosen wrote:
I have a question and figured this was as good a place as any to ask for advice. My wife has been unable to produce adequate milk to breastfeed our son and she feels inadequate as a result of this. More details on this would really be useful in tracking down what went wrong here. She has large breasts and we both thought that this would mean the production of milk wouldn't be a problem. The fact that you believed this indicates that you were both lacking knowledge about breastfeeding, and I can't help but wonder if the lack of information/misinformation may have contributed to whatever problems you had. -- tristyn www.tristyn.net |
#7
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My Wife's Sense of Inadequacy
Oh, believe me, I know, I know! My daughter was born prematurely and was
unable to nurse due to low oral tone and a reduced sucking reflex, and by the time she was able to breastfeed, she had developed a real aversion to the breast, caused by my following the LC's advice to try to latch her on before giving her a bottle so she wouldn't forget how to latch. Well, she didn't forget how to latch, but she did learn that the breast gives no milk, so get that thing out of my face and feed me. Nothing like having your child scream bloody murder at the sight of your breast to make you feel inadequate, especially, if you're a perfectionist by nature. In my case (and I'm wondering if this is the case for your wife, too), I think I had decided that breastfeeding was one thing I could control, after a pregnancy where nothing was in my control. I was considered to be about as high risk as it is possible to get. My first pregnancy had not only resulted in the loss of the baby, but came very close to killing me as well, and as a result, I had about the most medicallized pregnancy on the books, with medical monitoring from 3 weeks after conception, reduced activity almost from day 1, strict bedrest from 22 weeks, and in and out of the hospital from 30 weeks. So, psychologically, I had a lot tied up into breastfeeding, and when my daughter started losing weight dramatically (and I could tell she wasn't getting anything-something the hospital nurses didn't believe), it hit me like a brick wall. For me, getting a good LC and pumping helped, because I could SEE that what I was doing had a result. Now, at 11 months, I'm not quite meeting my daughter's demand, although I'm close-but, she's still getting breast milk-and I'm still responsible for it. My biggest advice is to not run away from breastfeeding groups. Yes, it hurts to hear from women who manage to give birth on the way to the hospital (or to have completely non-medicalized home births) and to nurse within minutes of delivery-but there has also been a lot of support and reassurance that yes, what I'm doing has value-even if it isn't all breastmilk, all the time. -- Donna DeVore Metler Orff Music Specialist/Kindermusik Mother to Angel Brian Anthony 1/1/2002, 22 weeks, severe PE/HELLP And Allison Joy, 11/25/04 (35 weeks, PIH, Pre-term labor) |
#8
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My Wife's Sense of Inadequacy
Michael Rosen wrote:
I have a question and figured this was as good a place as any to ask for advice. My wife has been unable to produce adequate milk to breastfeed our son and she feels inadequate as a result of this. Your wife tried, and you are supportive, so you are already good parents. Having said that, how do you (and she) know that what she produced was not adequate for your son? Is it just because he "didn't seem full" after nursing? Can you give us more information? It is rare that a woman truly does not have sufficient supply, and all hope is not lost. Can you give us more information so we have an idea of what happened? -- Anita -- |
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