Grow Up With Your Kids

Growing Up With Your Kids -- from www.ifpower.blogspot.com

by Jim Davis

Parenthood has stages of development, just like childhood. If we
aren't careful, we can get stuck in a stage while our son or daughter
is moving on to another one. Of course, these stages for a parent can
be quite complicated if you have more than one child. You can need to
be in various stages of parental development, depending on which child
you are dealing with at a particular time. This makes the process of
"growing up with your kids" a particularly tricky process.

If you are the parent of a teen, you are dealing with a person who
"flip-flops" between wanting to be an adult and wanting to be a child.
You will find yourself in the position at times of needing to be
protective, while at other times trying to "push them out of the nest
to learn to fly on their own." One of the main problems we have with
this, of course, is wanting them to fly "the right way" (make that
"our way".) And, many times their way is one we know will bring them
problems. We often know that because of our own experiences or the
experiences of others we have observed. Sometimes we believe we are
right because we have learned how to make judgments based on the
knowledge we have gained over the years.

We tend to forget, however, the frustrations we had when our parents
tried to "help" us at that age. We often justify our actions by noting
that we didn't realize how much our parents knew at that time and how
we should have listened to them. What makes this even more difficult
is that the situation may really demand that we provide this
protection for our kids. For example, no responsible parent would go
along with their son or daughter going out with a group who were
drinking.

The problems really come about when we don't distinguish between those
situations where we must "be in charge" and those where we can let
them make mistakes on their own.

For example, when my older son was about 14, he and his closest friend
decided they would build a log house in the woods behind his friend's
house. When I found out what they were planning, I proceeded to point
out to him all the reasons they probably would not succeed. I would
have been a lot more help in that situation if I had just encouraged
him to go ahead and try. As it turned out, they did go ahead and were
even successful to some degree. But it was several years before I
found out about it.

When he was in college, he found a 1969 Chevelle that was in terrible
condition and decided he wanted to buy it and restore it. This time
his mom and I decided to keep our negative thoughts to ourselves and
just help when asked. That brought about a somewhat nerve wracking
experience when we helped him bring the oil-burner back home (across
the Smoky Mountains, no less, ) with me driving his other car and his
mom driving ours. In this case, the job turned out to be a lot bigger
than he anticipated and the car just sat in our back yard for several
years until he decided to sell it.

That was as big a growing experience for me as it was for him. It was
kind of late for me to learn it, but I came to the realization that I
didn't have to tell him he had made a bad decision. He figured that
out all by himself. But, if he hadn't made that bad decision there
were several things he would not have learned (and several that I
would not have learned either.)

About three years later, when he had finished college and was trying
to get established on his own, we had what was probably our most
significant experience of this type. He found a small house that
needed a great deal of work and wanted to buy it, but he was a bit
reluctant to take on such a project by himself. I took what was a
pretty big step in my "growing" process then. I told him I would help
him do whatever it took to fix up the house, but that it would be a
different relationship than we had ever had before. Since it was his
house he would be in charge, and his decisions would always be final.
I would offer my opinions when asked, and also when I thought he might
be making a mistake. But he would have total control.

We not only did a pretty good job remodeling that old house, we also
learned a lot about building that neither of us knew before. But even
more than that, we developed a relationship as one adult to another
that took us to a level neither of us expected.

You can develop that kind of relationship with your children as they
(and you) grow up. I hope you can use some of the ideas and examples I
have given to help you make your family's "growing up together" an
even better experience.