On nosy questions by kids and by adults

On Mon, 05 Nov 2007 08:41:37 -0800, Beliavsky
wrote:

On Nov 5, 10:37 am, Nan wrote:

If an adult politely asked my children if they were going to school
and/or what grade they were in, or what their favorite subject was, I
would expect my children to answer politely. These questions are not
accusations, but "do you pay your taxes" is.

I don't expect my children to talk to anyone if they are uncomfortable
doing so. I don't care how "polite" the adult is. But then I don't
think adults should ask my kids their names.

Even at a social gathering? Learning someone's name is usually how one
starts a conversation with a new person. My 4yo will answer adults'
questions at parties, but my 2yo will not, even though he can say his
name and age. He's only two, of course, and I'm not concerned. But if
he acts the same way at age 4, I will be.

Even at a social gathering. I would consider an adult to be rude in
not first introducing themselves, then asking the child his/her name.

But, I don't encounter social gatherings in which adults don't already
know my child's name and age. I DO encounter adults in a public
setting that are total strangers, that will ask their name. I feel
it's inappropriate.

Nan

On Mon, 05 Nov 2007 14:10:44 -0500, Ericka Kammerer
wrote:

Beliavsky wrote:
On Nov 5, 12:14 pm, Banty wrote:

For strangers, just as for adults, it's different. Even for relatives, there
are limits as to what kind of questions people ask each other. It's amazing
what people think a child should stand for that an adult would not be expected
to stand for as far as questions from complete strangers even. Hence the snarky
answer referred to here (about the taxes). I can't agree with saying that (at
least not out loud.. ;-), as two wrongs do not make a right. But when the lady
in the grocery line thinks it's wonderful way to spend the time to pepper a
strange child with these kind of questions, it takes some time and development
for a child to have the wherewithall and judgement that an adult needs to have
developed to respond appropriately.

There is no shame or merit in saying in a kid saying his name, what
school he goes to, what grade he is in (unless perhaps he was old for
his grade and had been held back). Practically every kid is in some
grade at some school. Asking a boy if he were on the honor roll at his
school would be different.

Ummm...you want total strangers armed with your child's name,
school (and therefore approximate address) and grade? That's a
safety issue, if nothing else.

Best wishes,
Ericka

Bingo.

Nan

Standard Dear Abby response to a nosy question: "Why do you want to know?"

In article qTLXi.1225$Cc.1138@trndny09, deja.blues says...


Standard Dear Abby response to a nosy question: "Why do you want to know?"



I've tried that response, actually, and what that gets most often is a defensive
"only trying to make conversation". Not great. Sets me up as the uptight
so-and-so who won't even let people make conversation with me wah wah wah...

Worse than that, it can invite more conversation on whatever errant topic the
questioner thought interesting. You can get something like "oh I heard you were
a school teacher and of course the salaries are all made public anyway so what's
the deal...?" Erg.

A "thank you for your concern" followed by a quick change to a safe topic of
conversation (thank the diety I'm actually *interested* in weather) is what
works. Back to the advice given in the reference in the original post, swapping
the conversation to something the questioner is likely passionate about works
even better!


Banty

On Mon, 05 Nov 2007 13:50:33 -0400, Rosalie B.
wrote:

I'm having a hard time figuring out a social gathering that
would have a child in attendance where the adults would
not know the child

We will be going to a Diwali party at the local Hindu Temple.
I expect that many adults will not know our grandchildren by
name. I also expect that many of the adults might ask them
in order to include them in the celebrations. They might also
ask them if they want to dance with some of the other
children or even with an adult group.


--
Dorothy

There is no sound, no cry in all the world
that can be heard unless someone listens ..

The Outer Limits

Ericka Kammerer wrote:

Ummm...you want total strangers armed with your child's name,
school (and therefore approximate address) and grade? That's a
safety issue, if nothing else.

I think that's a very good point. But have you any thoughts on how a
parent can politely deal with that situation?


All the best,

Sarah
--
http://www.goodenoughmummy.typepad.com

"That which can be destroyed by the truth, should be" - P. C. Hodgell

toto wrote:

On Mon, 05 Nov 2007 13:50:33 -0400, Rosalie B.
wrote:

I'm having a hard time figuring out a social gathering that
would have a child in attendance where the adults would
not know the child

We will be going to a Diwali party at the local Hindu Temple.
I expect that many adults will not know our grandchildren by
name. I also expect that many of the adults might ask them
in order to include them in the celebrations. They might also
ask them if they want to dance with some of the other
children or even with an adult group.

Will the local temple people know their parent's names? Will their
parents or will you be there with them?

I would expect that the adult person would check with the parents (or
adult with the kids) and that the child's adult person would assist -
that they would give the child the go-ahead to answer or to dance or
whatever else was going on.

I don't think the child (presuming pre-school age) should have to
negotiate alone in a larger and more impersonal gathering unless that
child is the outgoing type child that happily talks to everyone.

One of my granddaughters (who has just turned 8 and is in 3rd grade)
when she was in kindergarten (age 5) knew all the teachers in school,
and could talk to them. I wasn't like that at that age.

My mother told the story of the time she was at the grocery store with
me (I was 3 or 4) and there was someone giving out samples of consume
(which I don't like) She gave some to my mom and to me, and she asked
me how I liked it. I refused to say. My mom pressed me to give an
answer. Finally I indicated that I had something to whisper to my mom
(which my mom had always told me was rude, but she leaned down) and I
whispered that I didn't want to say anything if I couldn't say
something nice (another one of her rules)

...

On Mon, 05 Nov 2007 13:50:33 -0400, Rosalie B. wrote:


If it was a social gathering which had children involved (which IME
limits the number of social gatherings quite a bit), I would expect
that the adult would know the child's name.

My dad has large family gatherings with my second and third cousins once or
twice removed. Kids are being born here and there. I dare say my dad does
not know most of their names. Neither do I, but I do not attend those
gatherings so often.

I'm having a hard time
figuring out a social gathering that would have a child in attendance
where the adults would not know the child.

Sarah Vaughan wrote:
Ericka Kammerer wrote:

Ummm...you want total strangers armed with your child's name,
school (and therefore approximate address) and grade? That's a
safety issue, if nothing else.

I think that's a very good point. But have you any thoughts on how a
parent can politely deal with that situation?

I think you can be pretty up front about it and just
say, "We've taught our children not to give out personal
information without a parent's permission as a safety
precaution." Then, if you judge it appropriate, you can
probably soften the blow by facilitating an introduction
using only the child's first name and bringing up a topic
of conversation that doesn't involve sharing such personal
information.

Best wishes,
Ericka

On Nov 5, 1:10 pm, Ericka Kammerer wrote:
Beliavsky wrote:
On Nov 5, 12:14 pm, Banty wrote:
For strangers, just as for adults, it's different. Even for relatives, there
are limits as to what kind of questions people ask each other. It's amazing
what people think a child should stand for that an adult would not be expected
to stand for as far as questions from complete strangers even. Hence the snarky
answer referred to here (about the taxes). I can't agree with saying that (at
least not out loud.. ;-), as two wrongs do not make a right. But when the lady
in the grocery line thinks it's wonderful way to spend the time to pepper a
strange child with these kind of questions, it takes some time and development
for a child to have the wherewithall and judgement that an adult needs to have
developed to respond appropriately.

There is no shame or merit in saying in a kid saying his name, what
school he goes to, what grade he is in (unless perhaps he was old for
his grade and had been held back). Practically every kid is in some
grade at some school. Asking a boy if he were on the honor roll at his
school would be different.

Ummm...you want total strangers armed with your child's name,
school (and therefore approximate address) and grade? That's a
safety issue, if nothing else.

Best wishes,
Ericka- Hide quoted text -

Wow. I guess I'm incredibly naive - or haven't yet succumbed to our
culture of fear. I am cautious about things, but honestly it never
once occured to me that an adult making polite conversation with a
child was a safety threat.

How is knowing the kid's name and school a safety issue? And
approximate address? There's a huge area our neighborhood school
serves.