Article by Sylvia Brown - The Post-Pregnancy Handbook

I thought readers of this newsgroup might find the following article of some
interest:

From Partner to Father - The Importance of Expectations Management
By Sylvia Brown, author of The Post-Pregnancy Handbook


Have you ever wondered what an expectant Dad usually hears from his male
friends? "Buddy, once this baby is born, you can forget about sex for the
next six months." If I were about to become a father, probably a little
unsure about my new role, this advice would not be particularly comforting..

Why do women persist in thinking that once the baby is born, they will just
walk off into the sunset? And why don't childbirth educators discuss the
importance of "expectations management" and good communications?

It is undeniable that the arrival of a baby, especially the first,
transforms the relationship inside a couple. Three people now must share
love, time and energy - the exclusive nature of the couple's relationship
comes to an end. Moral and material responsibilities dominate, lives must
be better organized, improvising becomes difficult, if not impossible. New
conflicts can arise on matters that both partners thought resolved,
especially regarding values and important decisions such as education and
religion.

Today, a further challenge faces parents. When they become mothers, many
women judge their partners according to a new criterion: their ability to be
"good fathers." With her newly acquired protective instinct, even the most
relaxed, easygoing woman will become over-critical if the father does not
live up to her image of an ideal Dad. Yet he is often caught between the
weight of tradition and modern expectations.

A woman has the advantage of a progressive preparation for motherhood over
the course of nine months. She carries the child not only in her body, but
also in her heart and in her mind. Once the baby is born, she benefits from
an extremely intimate relationship. The father-child relationship, however,
is external and more abstract. Once home from the hospital, the baby and
its supplies seem to take over the house. He is expected to stand close by
the mother-child unit, but cannot enter into it; to instinctively take over
all the housekeeping; and to have a sudden, burning desire to change
diapers. It is hardly surprising then that he feels left out of the magic
bubble. He may feel sexually frustrated, clumsy and useless around the
baby but not dare admit his feelings.

A new father may feel threatened, now that important decisions seem to be
made in terms of their impact on the baby. He may be jealous of the woman's
reproductive powers, which seem to bring her happiness and attention. He
may feel a strong burden of responsibility, as well as stronger financial
pressures to succeed. He may feel overwhelmed by his spouse's emotional
dependence. He may be frustrated to find that his spouse appears to be
perpetually engrossed in the baby and makes not time for him alone. He may
be alarmed by the baby's fragile appearance. Older fathers may be
especially worried that the baby will cramp their lifestyle

To make things worse, some mothers go out of their way to point out their
partner's faults and clumsiness in handling the baby, so as to reinforce
their role as primary caregiver. Conversely, some men prefer to delegate
all tasks concerning children to the mother (possibly as their father did
with their mother) or idealize her maternal abilities as a way of justifying
their non-involvement with the child

None of this need happen if communications remain good within the couple, if
the partners feel that they can express their wishes and are attentive to
each others' needs.

Mothers, remember that your partner cannot always guess your needs. Your
spouse does not instinctively know what to do and may in reality feel lost.
Don't become a prisoner of stereotypes. One major cause of postnatal
tensions between partners can be eliminated by avoiding the roles of "father
hen" and "perfect mother." Re-establish frank, open communication. Try to
respect each other's uncertainties. Ask yourself "how would I react if I
were only a spectator and not the main actor?"

Give your partner precise tasks to fulfill. Make him feel needed. Find
time for yourselves as a couple (some 90% of couples go out less after the
birth of a child) - you need outside activities! Having children satisfies
a basic need for many women. But all women also need adult relationships.
A child will never replace the lover and partner.

Author:
Sylvia Brown wrote The Post-Pregnancy Handbook: The Only Book that Tells
What the First Year After Childbirth is Really All About -- Physically,
Emotionally, Sexually (Published by Griffin Trade Paperback; $14.95US;
0-3123-1626-7) in response to her own frustration at the lack of
comprehensive information for the mother in the weeks and months after
childbirth.

For more information, please visit writtenvoices.com.

Oh good grief...

Nan


On Mon, 29 Mar 2004 20:13:23 GMT, "Jane Smith"
wrote:

I thought readers of this newsgroup might find the following article of some
interest:

From Partner to Father - The Importance of Expectations Management
By Sylvia Brown, author of The Post-Pregnancy Handbook


Have you ever wondered what an expectant Dad usually hears from his male
friends? "Buddy, once this baby is born, you can forget about sex for the
next six months." If I were about to become a father, probably a little
unsure about my new role, this advice would not be particularly comforting..

Why do women persist in thinking that once the baby is born, they will just
walk off into the sunset? And why don't childbirth educators discuss the
importance of "expectations management" and good communications?

It is undeniable that the arrival of a baby, especially the first,
transforms the relationship inside a couple. Three people now must share
love, time and energy - the exclusive nature of the couple's relationship
comes to an end. Moral and material responsibilities dominate, lives must
be better organized, improvising becomes difficult, if not impossible. New
conflicts can arise on matters that both partners thought resolved,
especially regarding values and important decisions such as education and
religion.

Today, a further challenge faces parents. When they become mothers, many
women judge their partners according to a new criterion: their ability to be
"good fathers." With her newly acquired protective instinct, even the most
relaxed, easygoing woman will become over-critical if the father does not
live up to her image of an ideal Dad. Yet he is often caught between the
weight of tradition and modern expectations.

A woman has the advantage of a progressive preparation for motherhood over
the course of nine months. She carries the child not only in her body, but
also in her heart and in her mind. Once the baby is born, she benefits from
an extremely intimate relationship. The father-child relationship, however,
is external and more abstract. Once home from the hospital, the baby and
its supplies seem to take over the house. He is expected to stand close by
the mother-child unit, but cannot enter into it; to instinctively take over
all the housekeeping; and to have a sudden, burning desire to change
diapers. It is hardly surprising then that he feels left out of the magic
bubble. He may feel sexually frustrated, clumsy and useless around the
baby but not dare admit his feelings.

A new father may feel threatened, now that important decisions seem to be
made in terms of their impact on the baby. He may be jealous of the woman's
reproductive powers, which seem to bring her happiness and attention. He
may feel a strong burden of responsibility, as well as stronger financial
pressures to succeed. He may feel overwhelmed by his spouse's emotional
dependence. He may be frustrated to find that his spouse appears to be
perpetually engrossed in the baby and makes not time for him alone. He may
be alarmed by the baby's fragile appearance. Older fathers may be
especially worried that the baby will cramp their lifestyle

To make things worse, some mothers go out of their way to point out their
partner's faults and clumsiness in handling the baby, so as to reinforce
their role as primary caregiver. Conversely, some men prefer to delegate
all tasks concerning children to the mother (possibly as their father did
with their mother) or idealize her maternal abilities as a way of justifying
their non-involvement with the child

None of this need happen if communications remain good within the couple, if
the partners feel that they can express their wishes and are attentive to
each others' needs.

Mothers, remember that your partner cannot always guess your needs. Your
spouse does not instinctively know what to do and may in reality feel lost.
Don't become a prisoner of stereotypes. One major cause of postnatal
tensions between partners can be eliminated by avoiding the roles of "father
hen" and "perfect mother." Re-establish frank, open communication. Try to
respect each other's uncertainties. Ask yourself "how would I react if I
were only a spectator and not the main actor?"

Give your partner precise tasks to fulfill. Make him feel needed. Find
time for yourselves as a couple (some 90% of couples go out less after the
birth of a child) - you need outside activities! Having children satisfies
a basic need for many women. But all women also need adult relationships.
A child will never replace the lover and partner.

Author:
Sylvia Brown wrote The Post-Pregnancy Handbook: The Only Book that Tells
What the First Year After Childbirth is Really All About -- Physically,
Emotionally, Sexually (Published by Griffin Trade Paperback; $14.95US;
0-3123-1626-7) in response to her own frustration at the lack of
comprehensive information for the mother in the weeks and months after
childbirth.

For more information, please visit writtenvoices.com.

What a load.
Well, this definately doesn't pertain to DH and I. He has much more
experience with babies and is definately more comfortable around them
than I am. He'll just have to teach me I suppose.

Nan wrote:

Oh good grief...

Nan


On Mon, 29 Mar 2004 20:13:23 GMT, "Jane Smith"
wrote:


I thought readers of this newsgroup might find the following article of some
interest:


From Partner to Father - The Importance of Expectations Management

By Sylvia Brown, author of The Post-Pregnancy Handbook


Have you ever wondered what an expectant Dad usually hears from his male
friends? "Buddy, once this baby is born, you can forget about sex for the
next six months." If I were about to become a father, probably a little
unsure about my new role, this advice would not be particularly comforting..

Why do women persist in thinking that once the baby is born, they will just
walk off into the sunset? And why don't childbirth educators discuss the
importance of "expectations management" and good communications?

It is undeniable that the arrival of a baby, especially the first,
transforms the relationship inside a couple. Three people now must share
love, time and energy - the exclusive nature of the couple's relationship
comes to an end. Moral and material responsibilities dominate, lives must
be better organized, improvising becomes difficult, if not impossible. New
conflicts can arise on matters that both partners thought resolved,
especially regarding values and important decisions such as education and
religion.

Today, a further challenge faces parents. When they become mothers, many
women judge their partners according to a new criterion: their ability to be
"good fathers." With her newly acquired protective instinct, even the most
relaxed, easygoing woman will become over-critical if the father does not
live up to her image of an ideal Dad. Yet he is often caught between the
weight of tradition and modern expectations.

A woman has the advantage of a progressive preparation for motherhood over
the course of nine months. She carries the child not only in her body, but
also in her heart and in her mind. Once the baby is born, she benefits from
an extremely intimate relationship. The father-child relationship, however,
is external and more abstract. Once home from the hospital, the baby and
its supplies seem to take over the house. He is expected to stand close by
the mother-child unit, but cannot enter into it; to instinctively take over
all the housekeeping; and to have a sudden, burning desire to change
diapers. It is hardly surprising then that he feels left out of the magic
bubble. He may feel sexually frustrated, clumsy and useless around the
baby but not dare admit his feelings.

A new father may feel threatened, now that important decisions seem to be
made in terms of their impact on the baby. He may be jealous of the woman's
reproductive powers, which seem to bring her happiness and attention. He
may feel a strong burden of responsibility, as well as stronger financial
pressures to succeed. He may feel overwhelmed by his spouse's emotional
dependence. He may be frustrated to find that his spouse appears to be
perpetually engrossed in the baby and makes not time for him alone. He may
be alarmed by the baby's fragile appearance. Older fathers may be
especially worried that the baby will cramp their lifestyle

To make things worse, some mothers go out of their way to point out their
partner's faults and clumsiness in handling the baby, so as to reinforce
their role as primary caregiver. Conversely, some men prefer to delegate
all tasks concerning children to the mother (possibly as their father did
with their mother) or idealize her maternal abilities as a way of justifying
their non-involvement with the child

None of this need happen if communications remain good within the couple, if
the partners feel that they can express their wishes and are attentive to
each others' needs.

Mothers, remember that your partner cannot always guess your needs. Your
spouse does not instinctively know what to do and may in reality feel lost.
Don't become a prisoner of stereotypes. One major cause of postnatal
tensions between partners can be eliminated by avoiding the roles of "father
hen" and "perfect mother." Re-establish frank, open communication. Try to
respect each other's uncertainties. Ask yourself "how would I react if I
were only a spectator and not the main actor?"

Give your partner precise tasks to fulfill. Make him feel needed. Find
time for yourselves as a couple (some 90% of couples go out less after the
birth of a child) - you need outside activities! Having children satisfies
a basic need for many women. But all women also need adult relationships.
A child will never replace the lover and partner.

Author:
Sylvia Brown wrote The Post-Pregnancy Handbook: The Only Book that Tells
What the First Year After Childbirth is Really All About -- Physically,
Emotionally, Sexually (Published by Griffin Trade Paperback; $14.95US;
0-3123-1626-7) in response to her own frustration at the lack of
comprehensive information for the mother in the weeks and months after
childbirth.

For more information, please visit writtenvoices.com.

On Mon, 29 Mar 2004 21:26:35 GMT, Angela Schepers
wrote:

What a load.
Well, this definately doesn't pertain to DH and I. He has much more
experience with babies and is definately more comfortable around them
than I am. He'll just have to teach me I suppose.

It doesn't pertain to 99.9% of the people I've ever met, or talked to
casually, either.
I get tired of the "poor daddy shoved to the background" school of
thought. Poor daddy needs to establish his place himself, imo.

Nan

Nan wrote:

Oh good grief...

Nan


On Mon, 29 Mar 2004 20:13:23 GMT, "Jane Smith"
wrote:


I thought readers of this newsgroup might find the following article of some
interest:


From Partner to Father - The Importance of Expectations Management

By Sylvia Brown, author of The Post-Pregnancy Handbook


Have you ever wondered what an expectant Dad usually hears from his male
friends? "Buddy, once this baby is born, you can forget about sex for the
next six months." If I were about to become a father, probably a little
unsure about my new role, this advice would not be particularly comforting..

Why do women persist in thinking that once the baby is born, they will just
walk off into the sunset? And why don't childbirth educators discuss the
importance of "expectations management" and good communications?

It is undeniable that the arrival of a baby, especially the first,
transforms the relationship inside a couple. Three people now must share
love, time and energy - the exclusive nature of the couple's relationship
comes to an end. Moral and material responsibilities dominate, lives must
be better organized, improvising becomes difficult, if not impossible. New
conflicts can arise on matters that both partners thought resolved,
especially regarding values and important decisions such as education and
religion.

Today, a further challenge faces parents. When they become mothers, many
women judge their partners according to a new criterion: their ability to be
"good fathers." With her newly acquired protective instinct, even the most
relaxed, easygoing woman will become over-critical if the father does not
live up to her image of an ideal Dad. Yet he is often caught between the
weight of tradition and modern expectations.

A woman has the advantage of a progressive preparation for motherhood over
the course of nine months. She carries the child not only in her body, but
also in her heart and in her mind. Once the baby is born, she benefits from
an extremely intimate relationship. The father-child relationship, however,
is external and more abstract. Once home from the hospital, the baby and
its supplies seem to take over the house. He is expected to stand close by
the mother-child unit, but cannot enter into it; to instinctively take over
all the housekeeping; and to have a sudden, burning desire to change
diapers. It is hardly surprising then that he feels left out of the magic
bubble. He may feel sexually frustrated, clumsy and useless around the
baby but not dare admit his feelings.

A new father may feel threatened, now that important decisions seem to be
made in terms of their impact on the baby. He may be jealous of the woman's
reproductive powers, which seem to bring her happiness and attention. He
may feel a strong burden of responsibility, as well as stronger financial
pressures to succeed. He may feel overwhelmed by his spouse's emotional
dependence. He may be frustrated to find that his spouse appears to be
perpetually engrossed in the baby and makes not time for him alone. He may
be alarmed by the baby's fragile appearance. Older fathers may be
especially worried that the baby will cramp their lifestyle

To make things worse, some mothers go out of their way to point out their
partner's faults and clumsiness in handling the baby, so as to reinforce
their role as primary caregiver. Conversely, some men prefer to delegate
all tasks concerning children to the mother (possibly as their father did
with their mother) or idealize her maternal abilities as a way of justifying
their non-involvement with the child

None of this need happen if communications remain good within the couple, if
the partners feel that they can express their wishes and are attentive to
each others' needs.

Mothers, remember that your partner cannot always guess your needs. Your
spouse does not instinctively know what to do and may in reality feel lost.
Don't become a prisoner of stereotypes. One major cause of postnatal
tensions between partners can be eliminated by avoiding the roles of "father
hen" and "perfect mother." Re-establish frank, open communication. Try to
respect each other's uncertainties. Ask yourself "how would I react if I
were only a spectator and not the main actor?"

Give your partner precise tasks to fulfill. Make him feel needed. Find
time for yourselves as a couple (some 90% of couples go out less after the
birth of a child) - you need outside activities! Having children satisfies
a basic need for many women. But all women also need adult relationships.
A child will never replace the lover and partner.

Author:
Sylvia Brown wrote The Post-Pregnancy Handbook: The Only Book that Tells
What the First Year After Childbirth is Really All About -- Physically,
Emotionally, Sexually (Published by Griffin Trade Paperback; $14.95US;
0-3123-1626-7) in response to her own frustration at the lack of
comprehensive information for the mother in the weeks and months after
childbirth.

For more information, please visit writtenvoices.com.