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baby sitting a toddler (question for a friend)
My friend baby-sits a two year old boy. This kid cried straight from
day one. So his dad sat at the my friend's house for the whole of first week along with the boy to make sure he doesn't feel he's just leaving him there. Then gradually he used to leave him for an hour at a time and worked up from there. This kid cried everytime his dad left and cried and cried until he came back. My friend did all she could. Carried him around, played with him etc. She also has a two year old boy of her own. He wouldn't play with him either. He wouldn't talk to anyone, wouldn't let anyone touch him, pet him etc. This went on for couple of months. The kid's dad took him to a regular day care thinking if he sees a whole bunch of kids playing he'll be ok. He tried that for a month but things just got worse. So he brought him back to my friend. Slowly he stopped crying after a month or so. Now if anyone visits my friend's house while he's there, he'll start bawling again. He wails and cries and just hearing it is heart-wrenching. Now my friend's son doesn't want to play with him when he cries because it's just hard on him too to see him cry so loud. There's just no way of talking or petting this boy. It's taking a toll on my friend too. She's as lovable as she can be. She doesn't want to outright tell his parents that she can't watch him anymore. Afterall, they've tried another regular daycare and it was worse. Can anyone think of what else my friend should do? (I understand that the boy's mom or dad could quit work and stay home but that's not the point of my question. So please suggest what you can on how my friend can make this better. Not what the boy's parents should do.) Thanks. |
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baby sitting a toddler (question for a friend)
ted wrote in message om... My friend baby-sits a two year old boy. This kid cried straight from day one. So his dad sat at the my friend's house for the whole of first week along with the boy to make sure he doesn't feel he's just leaving him there. Then gradually he used to leave him for an hour at a time and worked up from there. This kid cried everytime his dad left and cried and cried until he came back. My friend did all she could. Carried him around, played with him etc. She also has a two year old boy of her own. He wouldn't play with him either. He wouldn't talk to anyone, wouldn't let anyone touch him, pet him etc. This went on for couple of months. The kid's dad took him to a regular day care thinking if he sees a whole bunch of kids playing he'll be ok. He tried that for a month but things just got worse. So he brought him back to my friend. Slowly he stopped crying after a month or so. Now if anyone visits my friend's house while he's there, he'll start bawling again. He wails and cries and just hearing it is heart-wrenching. Now my friend's son doesn't want to play with him when he cries because it's just hard on him too to see him cry so loud. There's just no way of talking or petting this boy. It's taking a toll on my friend too. She's as lovable as she can be. She doesn't want to outright tell his parents that she can't watch him anymore. Afterall, they've tried another regular daycare and it was worse. Can anyone think of what else my friend should do? Has she tried taking him out to do things? Debbie (I understand that the boy's mom or dad could quit work and stay home but that's not the point of my question. So please suggest what you can on how my friend can make this better. Not what the boy's parents should do.) Thanks. |
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baby sitting a toddler (question for a friend)
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baby sitting a toddler (question for a friend)
Well, if she really feels she has to in order to protect herself and her son she may need to stop babysitting the child, but I hope she'll keep on babysitting because if she doesn't, they'll probably have to start all over again with another babysitter. At the moment the child has gotten used to her and no longer cries most of the time. To switch to another babysitter at this point would traumatize the child IMO. IMO the crying is normal. Within the range of normal behaviour I would expect at that age. OK, lots of kids leave their parents and are reasonably happy or at least seem happy on the surface. But crying when parents leave is also very common. This baby just feels a little more strongly about it than average. OK, maybe a lot more strongly. Still, I consider it normal. Here's a suggestion: find out as precisely as possible what time to expect the father to return. Then follow some distinctive routine, so that the baby can gradually get used to expecting that the father will return at a certain point. When the father's return will be later, the routine can either be slowed down, or started when he's already been away for a while. She could have a very distinctive place or activity that they only engage in in the last 5 or 10 minutes before father returns. This activity could be going out into the front yard and playing there, or playing with a special set of toys near the front door, or eating a special kind of snack in a different room from other meals/snacks, etc. She could make sure they never do anything too similar except when Daddy is about to come. If this works, then after a while the baby will come to expect that Daddy will be home soon when they do that activity (consciously and/or unconsciously) and will feel more secure and happy during that activity. Then soon the baby will learn to look forward to it and look forward to the activity that comes just before that, because it's a sign that soon the last activity will happen, etc. She could divide the whole time into activities of about 10 minutes, always in the same order. Following a very particular routine: bath, snack in a particular room, reading a story on a particular sofa, going into the backyard for a while, etc. Short things like marching around in a circle singing a particular song can also be included -- perhaps as ritual transitions between the other activities. Again, always in the same order. (Maybe always the same song, maybe a different song each time. I'd probably use the same song but read a different story.) If the baby is crying or sad, she can hold him while she marches around; if he's happy he can stomp around too. I would suggest following the same routines whether he's crying or not. When beginning the last activity she might say cheerfully that soon Daddy will be here! But not make too much of a fuss about it and not be surprised if that makes the baby cry! (Also, she can try to get him to phone if he's going to be late, or even phone each time to confirm he'll be on time, because the whole system won't provide so much security if he's late one time.) Here's my experience with a 4-year-old I babysat once. She was very sad and clingy as her mother was leaving. After an extended goodbye her mother left. She refused to play, talk or anything for a while. I asked her sister whether the girl had a special teddy bear. I got her sister to fetch it. At first that didn't help: the girl refused to hold her teddy bear. But then I got her engaged by play-acting with the teddy bear. I stood the teddy bear on the ground and made it move and talk. I made the teddy bear say "I'm lonely. I need somebody to look after me." The girl then grabbed the teddy bear and hugged it. Soon she was participating in games and playing and talking normally. Perhaps as the last activity before the father returns, she might want to use a large doll and a small doll (or a doll and a person) and play-act a parent leaving and returning, with all the emotions involved. She can show the parent feeling sad and trying to hurry (driving a car fast, or whatever) to get back to where the baby doll is. And show the baby doll being sad. And the two of them hugging and being happy when they get together again. The whole act can be rather quick -- about a minute or less, and can be done again and again if the babies seem interested. This might evolve into a game: hiding the baby doll or the parent doll and having the babies find the doll. This might make the baby feel better, as (in a symbolic sense) he would be able to actively do something to improve the situation. The hiding place should be extremely easy, to avoid anxiety -- perhaps just letting the babies see where she puts it. I can't guarantee this game wouldn't make the baby cry even more, but I think it would help: even if the baby cries, I would think it was a positive thing, like crying for a sad movie, and would help him work out his feelings. Good types of activities include playing with stuff like sand, water at the sink, "slime" if it can be safe at that age, or playdough, and stuff like that. Things with interesting textures. These tend to be soothing as well as interesting to young children. It may be best to have time-limits for the activities and move on to other activities even if the babies complain, because then they'll look forward to doing it again the next day, and also it will give the baby something to express feelings about besides just worrying about Daddy coming back. That would be a healthy step forwards I think. I hope things work out well for them. -- Cathy |
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