A Parenting & kids forum. ParentingBanter.com

If this is your first visit, be sure to check out the FAQ by clicking the link above. You may have to register before you can post: click the register link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below.

Go Back   Home » ParentingBanter.com forum » alt.support » Single Parents
Site Map Home Authors List Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read Web Partners

OT - on a lighter note



 
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old July 6th 03, 01:25 AM
dolores
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default OT - on a lighter note

Man!.....this place is droll these days......a little something more light
spirited.........


A man wakes up his wife during the night with a glass of water in one
hand and two aspirins in the other.
She asks, "What's this for?"
"This is for your headache," he says.
She says "But I don't have a headache."
He smiles and says "Gotcha!"

=======================

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and
the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear
goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at
the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is
empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.


Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in
his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It
is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?"
he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving
hatch from the kitchen and screams, "For goodness's
sake, how many times do we have to go through
this?

I haven't made the porridge yet!!"


Dolores



  #2  
Old July 6th 03, 07:22 PM
dolores
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default OT - on a lighter note

Got another.....under all the crap and rambling of a bored housewife
(ooopps...housemaker)...lol

Okay!!......I'm bored!!!, I havent seen the two lads all week, they've been
off with the farmer working and having a ball. They're gone at 10am and
dont get home until 10pm, covered in cow**** and dead tired. They shower and
go to bed. They dont even eat here now. Tisn't even a hotel here.....tis a
mere Bed and Breakfast....my fridge is now an Art Gallery....They look and
hum and haw.....then leave!....

All I've got is our cat "Doris" and her kitten for company and tons of
housework. I hope ye are all heartbroken at the heartrenching sadness of all
this.......

Actually housework is done......well all that I can handle for this
week....loading the dishwasher is a heavy duty job in this house. Mowed the
lawn and all that jazz......Now what do I do.

I really want them to stay home so we can go surfing, and thought we'd go
today (Sunday) but their friend rang.....and now they're gone off for the
day doing their hay.......no shops open, no neighbours around, even my
mother is gone......

Does this sound like a conspiracy to anyone else??

Even the mother ship is out of range.....

Well s'pose I could alway do next weeks housework.......and unload the
dishwasher!!...

Dolores

One day Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts.
I guess I should go see a doctor."

His friend says, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug
store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a
doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer
will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it, and
it only costs $10."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with
urine and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he
poured in the sample and deposited the 10 bucks. The computer
started making some noise and various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which
read:

* You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and
avoid heavy labor. You will heal in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was
and how it would change medical science forever, he began to
wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a
try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from the
dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it
off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in
the sample and deposited the 10 bucks. The machine made the
usual noises, flashed its lights, and printed out the following
analysis:

* Your tap water is too hard. Get a softener.

* Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

* Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehab clinic.

* Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.

* AND if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never
heal.


Actually, think I might be able to squeeze another one in to my tight
schedule.....



A priest and nun are on their way back home from a
trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to
get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in
a hotel.

The only hotel in the town has only one room available.

Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a
problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night
together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and
you have the bed. Nun: I think that would be okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed
place in the room. Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold. Priest: Okay, I'll get
you a blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold.
Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket.
(He does)

Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the
Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for
this one night.

Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own
damn blanket






  #3  
Old July 6th 03, 07:29 PM
dolores
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default OT - on a lighter note

Oops this was meant to be attached to the other one....

Dolores

"dolores" wrote in message
...
Got another.....under all the crap and rambling of a bored housewife
(ooopps...housemaker)...lol

Okay!!......I'm bored!!!, I havent seen the two lads all week, they've

been
off with the farmer working and having a ball. They're gone at 10am and
dont get home until 10pm, covered in cow**** and dead tired. They shower

and
go to bed. They dont even eat here now. Tisn't even a hotel here.....tis

a
mere Bed and Breakfast....my fridge is now an Art Gallery....They look and
hum and haw.....then leave!....

All I've got is our cat "Doris" and her kitten for company and tons of
housework. I hope ye are all heartbroken at the heartrenching sadness of

all
this.......

Actually housework is done......well all that I can handle for this
week....loading the dishwasher is a heavy duty job in this house. Mowed

the
lawn and all that jazz......Now what do I do.

I really want them to stay home so we can go surfing, and thought we'd go
today (Sunday) but their friend rang.....and now they're gone off for the
day doing their hay.......no shops open, no neighbours around, even my
mother is gone......

Does this sound like a conspiracy to anyone else??

Even the mother ship is out of range.....

Well s'pose I could alway do next weeks housework.......and unload the
dishwasher!!...

Dolores

One day Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts.
I guess I should go see a doctor."

His friend says, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug
store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a
doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer
will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it, and
it only costs $10."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with
urine and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he
poured in the sample and deposited the 10 bucks. The computer
started making some noise and various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which
read:

* You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and
avoid heavy labor. You will heal in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was
and how it would change medical science forever, he began to
wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a
try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from the
dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it
off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in
the sample and deposited the 10 bucks. The machine made the
usual noises, flashed its lights, and printed out the following
analysis:

* Your tap water is too hard. Get a softener.

* Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

* Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehab clinic.

* Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.

* AND if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never
heal.


Actually, think I might be able to squeeze another one in to my tight
schedule.....



A priest and nun are on their way back home from a
trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to
get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in
a hotel.

The only hotel in the town has only one room available.

Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a
problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night
together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and
you have the bed. Nun: I think that would be okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed
place in the room. Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold. Priest: Okay, I'll get
you a blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold.
Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket.
(He does)

Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the
Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for
this one night.

Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own
damn blanket








 




Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
RECALL: Wristwatch Lighter and Cigarette-shaped Lighter Truffles Twins & Triplets 0 October 29th 03 11:40 PM
RECALL: Wristwatch Lighter and Cigarette-shaped Lighter Truffles General 0 October 29th 03 11:40 PM
RECALL: Wristwatch Lighter and Cigarette-shaped Lighter Truffles Pregnancy 0 October 29th 03 11:40 PM
RECALL: Wristwatch Lighter and Cigarette-shaped Lighter Truffles Breastfeeding 0 October 29th 03 11:40 PM


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 09:11 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.6.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright ©2004-2024 ParentingBanter.com.
The comments are property of their posters.