Introduction

Hi Everyone!

I just figured out how to subscribe to these newsgroups this morning... so
I'm trying my hand at it . I am a single mother of a beautiful 5 year old
daughter. I never married her father and that was probably one of the BEST
decisions I've made in my entire life! She is my world, can't imagine life
without her, but I feel the need to find support amongst other single
parents, because it is rough... it is very very very rough working full time
(I'm a special education teacher on the high school level) and then
parenting full time. If you hadn't gathered, my daughter's father is very
very very uninvolved. Things got really messy when he discovered that I
wasn't going to put up with any more of his **** and I kicked him out (when
our daughter was 1) and then after another year of harassment and verbal
abuse, I took him to court and that solved that. Now... it's more of day to
day struggle... finally being ready to get back in the dating game (have had
a few foul ups in between now and prior to)... I just don't know... I have a
lot of things going for me... and a lot of things going against me...

Just basically wanted to say hello and hope that this group will be useful
and supportive!

Thanks!

Kristi

--
"Life IS like a box of chocolates... eat, get fat, and run out. In
addition... chocolate is only a temporary fix." Kristi '04

On Sat, 15 May 2004 14:12:32 -0400, "Kristi Carney"
wrote:

Hi Everyone!

Hi, Kristi. I'm a special ed teacher too, in Western Canada.
Whereabouts are you? What kind of special ed do you do? I'm currently
teaching primary low incidence...kids with autism mostly, and some
with DS and some with assorted syndromes. I used to teach special ed
at the senior high school up north.

Anyway, nice to meet you. I'm Celia, and I have daughters 16.5 and
nearly 19.

Welcome.

Cele

Hi Kate!

Well, I'm a member of a single mother forum (yahoo groups) and it's really
been helpful when I've gone through the highs and lows of single
parenting... so I just had the idea this morning to see what other single
parent resources there are out there. I perused some of the posts on here..
and this looks like a pretty lively, if not wide grouping (of single dads
and moms.. I might add).

I think as single parents... we all need a "stomping ground" and a place to
gain other insights as well... and I plan on taking full advantage of that
.

Kristi

Kate,

Don't worry the dysfunction is there... I just wanted to say HELLO before I
began on my tirade... believe me... I have no problem bashing the sperm
donor and bitching/whining/complaining about the plight of the single
mother... but I can't let all that out in the introduction... LOL..

I am definitely NOT normal.... it's just that... after 5 years of this (and
pregnancy too)... some of the "newness" of being a single parent has worn a
hole there... believe me.. the resentment, issues, and bitterness... they
are still there... but you never wanna enter in to a crowded room and start
blowing your gasket... LOL... or at least not at first anyway... It's been
rough... it continues to BE rough... but again... these support groups have
really really really helped me and have been quite therapeutic without tons
of money being spent on shrinks who I really don't want to talk to or money
for prescription anti-depressants that I really don't want to take...

I will say this... it's a day by day thing... I have to admit that 50
percent of the time I am very very very unhappy... the other 50 percent of
the time... copes and deals. I love my daughter to my core... but it's
definitely not a picnic being the SOLE everything... leaves VERY little time
for ME... I do have a wonderful family... only... no one nearby at this
time. My parents retired and moved and my brother moved with them. My
sister and her husband and kids live in CT.. so I'm stuck in here South
Crappolina.. left to my own devices...

Discuss amongst yourselves... I'll give you a topic: Is she dysfunctional?
And is that a "dis" or is she "functional"? What's the relation between the
two? (Saturday Night Live and Mad TV are my saving grace.... without the
sense of humor, I would've blown up a long time ago... I mean it!)

Kristi

Hi Celia,

I think I accidentally said "hello" to you off the newsgroup.. but wanted to
formally say hello to you VIA the group! I primarily teach students with
learning disabilities. So.. it is SUPPOSED to be academic.... but I find
these kids have a lot more going on than just academics... it bleeds in to
their social lives and interaction, emotions, and behavior. It's a daily
adventure. Believe me... special education is definitely very challenging
and very exhausting... but hopefully I'm doing some good... I really enjoy
working on the high school level. I did 2 years on the middle school level
and it was SCARY.... kids are so hormonal!!!! Woooo... makes me worry about
when my daughter is a pre-teen/adolescent... cuz she already tries me at age
5!!!!

Other than that.. I'm actually in South Carolina... I think you had asked
about my location... and again... glad to have found this list... hoping
that it'll be supportive, entertaining, lively, and have a nice little spot
for me to reside ...

Kristi

Hi Kate,

In my case, I CAN say sperm donor.. because the other half of this equation
has been largely UNINVOLVED. I had no support through my pregnancy from
this male. When our daughter was born... he didn't stay at the hospital...
he went home and had a relaxing/good night's sleep. When I came home FROM
the hospital... do you think he lifted a finger to help out and do ANYTHING?
No. He didn't cook meals, he didn't clean, he didn't do any grocery
shopping, he provided no child care. Even with him PRESENT... I have been a
single parent since conception.

I am bitter, angry, and resentful because I have given him EVERY opportunity
to be a father and he doesn't. He hasn't done anything in 5 years.
Nothing. For a period of a few months (after I finally tired of the
abuse -- mental, emotional, AND physical) after kicking him out... he was
very verbally abusive toward me... making threats, etc... and I endured
through all of this. I come from a middle class family... no divorces...
etc... everyone has done things the "right" way.

I have always been the "good child"... so this was unezpected that I would
be the one who had a child out of wedlock and get in to such a ****ty ****ty
situation... and it is. It's disheartening to me because he SHOULD be a
father. And I'm not trying to discount the single fathers on here... but
you see, there is a difference... they ARE parenting their children.

I know it takes more than one parent to raise a child... I know this... but
it doesn't change the way I feel. He doesn't call, he doesn't visit, and
child support is minimal and sometimes NONEXISTENT as well. His mother
tries to make up for this or whatever it is she is trying to do.

I went 2 years trying to verbally make arrangements with him for visitation
and support, etc. I even drove to his residence every other weekend and
then I decided that it was ENOUGH. It is enough when you're still being
badgered and abused in that way. Instead, I decided to go to Family Court
and take myself OUT of the equation... because nothing was working, nothing
was being solved.

Family Court set up visitation and child support/maintenance. Has anything
changed? No. Are visitations still in place for him, yes. I go on. I
live my daily life and I am there for my daughter, day in and day out. I
didn't mean to make it sound like I'm not there or that I project to my
daughter that her father is just not going to be the person that a father
should be. Who knows? He may surprise all of us one day... but as it
stands... I have to live the way I have to live... if that makes sense. I'm
not apologizing for that. And if I upset anyone... by saying how I feel...
I make no apologies there either.

Did I say all single fathers are of this caliber? No. But... I am saying
that my daughter's father is in this case, truly just a sperm donor...
because he is not involved in her life, at all. "You can lead a horse to
water... but you can't make him drink..." Ever hear that saying? On top of
that... to add insult to injury, I have to also tell you that he has a 1
year old daughter with his now girl friend... so that also causes me to be
further angered. Of course, on the reverse side... it's good that the
harassment has ended... that has taken a great weight off my shoulders...
but it doesn't solve the yearning for the father figure/father that my
daughter deserves. I consider myself to be BOTH mommy and daddy to my
daughter... as I'm the one who dries her tears, comforts her, plays with
her, and provides for her financially. You can't really knock me for
feeling the way I feel... when this is what I live.

Kristi

On Sun, 16 May 2004 11:14:10 -0400, "Kristi Carney"
wrote:

Hi Celia,

I think I accidentally said "hello" to you off the newsgroup.. but wanted to
formally say hello to you VIA the group!

Hmm. I didn't get an email.....unless Norton mistook it for spam and
junked it. I'll take a look before I delete. Anyway, hi back.

I primarily teach students with
learning disabilities. So.. it is SUPPOSED to be academic.... but I find
these kids have a lot more going on than just academics... it bleeds in to
their social lives and interaction, emotions, and behavior. It's a daily
adventure.

LOL If you think it's lively teaching 'em, try parenting 'em! My 16
year old is very dyslexic, very bright, and has PTSD (Post Traumatic
Stress Disorder). She's in grade 11. Lamentably, LD makes kids
vulnerable, as I'm sure you know, to other difficulties, so you've
often got dual diagnosis kids in that population by high school.
Mine's absolutely dedicated to completing school and focusing on her
future, but it's sure been a long road. I'm not sure who'll be more
relieved when she graduates next year: her, or me!

Believe me... special education is definitely very challenging
and very exhausting... but hopefully I'm doing some good...

Yeah. Right now I've got little ones, mostly with autism. Of my nine
kids, three have all of their other sibs also diagnosed. One family
has three boys with autism spectrum diagnoses. One family has a boy
and a girl, both with severe autism. One has a boy and a girl, the boy
with severe cognitive disability, the girl with moderate. Since the
kids are so young, the parents are dealing with very recent diagnoses,
in most cases and are cycling through the very challenging early grief
process. Sometimes I find myself as much counsellor as educator. I'm
pretty wholistic, though, and I don't think there's any other way to
go. It's lucky for me that I have a self contained classroom and so
can afford the time to run it that way. If I had a massive caseload
the way resource teachers in high school have, it'd be well nigh
impossible. I'm deeply impressed with the LD support teachers at my
daughter's school. They've been wonderful with and for her. Some
schools in the past have done less well. It's the specific individual
teachers who make or break the programme, IMO.

I really enjoy
working on the high school level. I did 2 years on the middle school level
and it was SCARY.... kids are so hormonal!!!! Woooo... makes me worry about
when my daughter is a pre-teen/adolescent... cuz she already tries me at age
5!!!!

Heh. Yup. Those teen hormones make life awfully interesting, LD or
not. I was special programs dep't head in an 8-12 school for 3 years,
and boy, the difference between the grade 8s and grade 12s was
stunning. So keep that in mind, in 8 years, when the teens hit....LOL
There really *is* hope, though it sometimes feels like you're raising
a lunatic. LOL

Other than that.. I'm actually in South Carolina... I think you had asked
about my location... and again... glad to have found this list... hoping
that it'll be supportive, entertaining, lively, and have a nice little spot
for me to reside ...

It's certainly entertaining and lively, and the support's there to be
had if you've got a really thick skin. [g]

Take care.

Cele

You know.. I had a student who was diagnosed with Autism.. it seems the
trend now is to diagnose with "Asperger's Syndrome".. have you heard about
this? There are studies going on in CT... it's a very interesting field...
just not sure if it's applicable to EVERY case of Autism? This boy was very
bright... but lacked some of the social cues and also reasoning as far as
creative thinking in writing goes. Unless it was something that he could
memorize verbatim, he did not have the means to "think outside the box" or
create imaginary stories, etc... He's a great kid... he's self-contained
also and will be graduating this year. I am thinking that his mother will
probably have him come back next year though... because I don't know what
exactly he's going to do. We have vocational rehabilitation here and group
homes, but I'm not sure if she will put him in a program like that. He's a
sweet boy... very good when given specific directions, etc..

A note about the discussion boards:

I have very thick skin.. and actually I appreciate the fact that I'm able to
post my THOUGHTS... otherwise these would probably plague me and make me
crazier than I already feel at times.. it's a good way to vent and get those
thoughts and feelings out without hurting anyone else (or self for that
matter).

So.. on that note... another day, another dollar. Mine (my daughter) is
being very defiant today... sigh... the plight of a 5 year old... I'm giving
myself a time out from her..

Kristi

Hi Kate,

Actually, I use the discussion boards as a way to expunge and "out" my
feelings... because in real life... I keep all of this to myself. I am very
very very cordial and civil to my daughter's father WHEN and IF he comes
around... and I'm very accommodating to his mother and her entourage as
well. I've never said an unkind word to any of them... and I allow her (the
grandmother) to visit every other weekend. It's sort of stressful and
annoying to me... but I do it anyway. I never EVER refer to my daughter's
father as "sperm donor" to her or in front of her or anywhere that she might
be able to construe that as such. I am very supportive and when she asks
about her father.. I try to give the most democratic answers possible.

I realize that her feelings, thoughts, and opinions of him may differ
DRASTICALLY from mine.. and that she may even have disillusionment... put
him on a pedestal or think he's really great... and she's entitled to
that... however... I think that as she gets older and it becomes apparent
that he is as he is and will not change... I think she will be able to form
her own opinion. I also think she'll respect me for not bashing her
father.... I really do. That's not my place.

It's amazing how much of this crap you HAVE to swallow... but you do... it's
just something you have to do. Although... I am going to tell you that some
of the pain and resentment comes from the fact that he and his family have
not extended the same courtesy to me... it's been accusational the entire
time.. and that's trying.. that is sooooo trying on my nerves and my
spirit.. it really is!

When we (the father and I) went to court... (just to give you an example)..
he brought his WHOLE family with him. I had... hmmm... no one. I knew that
none of my family members could come inside the courtroom anyway... and when
things were explained to him how it was going to be... he still acted like a
complete idiot and complete jack ass... asking the judge.. "So, does this
mean I can't see my daughter?!" Even though... the judge explained in
detail... my lawyer explained in detail what was going to take place.
Hey... I even footed the bill for that court appearance... because I knew if
in the settlement he was supposed to pay for the day in court... it wouldn't
ever happen.

I say that hindsight is 20/20... and it is... and it's amazing how you can
feel so guilty for things... I mean... it's hard to move on. Everything
that I've done and everything that I do.. affects every aspect of my life.
And yes, my daughter does come first and foremost.. and I've had to make
sacrifices in BIG ways. That's what sort of also spurns the anger. What
has HE had to give up? Not his "freedoms" that's for sure. Any and
everything that I plan and/or want to do has to be planned out... and that
also costs money when you think about babysitters, etc... it's just
sometimes very disheartening and depressing.

I mean... it sometimes feels at times that I take 1/2 step forward and 10
steps back. I'm not trying to be this huge person of woe here.. but it is
hopefully giving you an idea of how I am and why I am and why I feel as I
do. I know... you probably think (as I already do)... good riddance!!! And
it's true... I am probably going to be paying off debt for the rest of my
life.. because in the 22 months that I put up with him... he didn't feel the
need to work either... (can we say HUGE loser?!)

Also...I didn't mention that although I forgive my own family for how they
treated me.. I can't forget. IT was terrible, can I just say that? I guess
as a parent you have dreams and hopes and aspirations for your children...
but if they don't come through or exactly as you want... the lesson for me
is... not to react and treat my daughter in the way I was treated. My
sister (who's 5 years older than me) told me she hoped I miscarried.. and
that I'd ruined my life and this baby's life and that she knew that me and
the father weren't going to work out... a few years ago, I confronted her
about this... and she said she wasn't going to apologize.. that's how she
felt at the time. Don't you think that's a little heartless? And... maybe
a little self-righteous? My mom said my dad was going to disown me.. but
she'd do her best to try and come around. Things like this... these are
pains you do your best to forgive... but you can't forget... because they
hurt and destroy you to your core. And you sort of lose a little faith and
trust and happiness there....

Mind you... now... my family LOVES and ADORES my daughter.. and is seemingly
"okay" with things... sort of more of... "this happened.. we move on"
mentality... but me... it's caused deep wounds. I understand
disappointment... there has definitely been a lot of that... but me now
being in the parent's driver seat.... I just don't know.. I don't think I
could do as my family did to me. I will always keep that in mind....
always.

I am definitely, most likely.. a very depressed person... geesh... these
last 5 years have been hell... absolutely hell! I mean forget about getting
back in the "dating" game or whatever... I had so many other things to deal
with... it's amazing I'm where I am as it is!!! I think that I must be
either really crazy or really strong... because I've gone through a lot...
and still managed to get my master's degree in education this February
(04)... I pay all my own bills... and I'm doing the best I can to raise my
daughter on my own... so those are good things to feel good about... but
it's definitely been a long, rocky road.

I am so glad to have these discussion boards... I mean it. I know probably
at this point in my life.. I really need to seek professional help... get on
meds.. etc.. but I'm not ready to do that, just yet... I have felt safer
going this route among "peers" who know what I'm talking about... have
experienced this... and/or at least provide a good attentive ear... that
makes a difference and has been my saving grace, truly...

No one else in my family has gone through this (and probably never will have
to...) My parents have been happily married for 35 years.. my sister has
been happily married for 7 years... so in both these cases.. they (my sister
and mother) did things the "right" way... whereas me... I have taken the
opposite route, and why? Not because I was so in love with this guy... it
wasn't that at all... it was really quite the reverse... me being rebellious
(I was 22...) and really not giving a damn about myself... because I didn't
at the time... from the time I found out I was pregnant, though.. that was a
huge huge huge wake up call for me.. and I grew up in an instant, so to
speak... and believe me.. I don't give myself any outs... or excuses... this
is what it is... and I am not going to sit here and whine because this is
how my life is... if you get my drift.. it's just that I wanted to be clear
on why I feel as I do... that there is some basis for it.. it's not just
coming from left field...

Kristi

On Sun, 16 May 2004 16:11:34 -0400, "Kristi Carney"
wrote:

Actually, I use the discussion boards as a way to expunge and "out" my
feelings... because in real life... I keep all of this to myself.

That's probably healthy. I think quite a few people do that and it
seems like a good way to cope with the strong feelings without
inflicting them hurtfully on the people you love. I've had to watch it
on that front a few times in my own life, so I do empathise.

[...]

I also think she'll respect me for not bashing her
father.... I really do. That's not my place.

Yes, I expect she will. My ex and I have both been pretty good about
not doing that, and now that the girls are 16.5 and nearly 19, they
recognise and respect that in both of us. I'm absolutely certain it
has been much better for them than it would have been otherwise. Then
again, my ex has remained a loving and supportive Dad and I've always
made access as easy as humanly possible. At this point they both come
and go as they please from each of our houses. So in that way, I've
been very fortunate.

[...]

I am definitely, most likely.. a very depressed person... geesh... these
last 5 years have been hell... absolutely hell! I mean forget about getting
back in the "dating" game or whatever... I had so many other things to deal
with... it's amazing I'm where I am as it is!!! I think that I must be
either really crazy or really strong... because I've gone through a lot...
and still managed to get my master's degree in education this February
(04)... I pay all my own bills... and I'm doing the best I can to raise my
daughter on my own... so those are good things to feel good about... but
it's definitely been a long, rocky road.

Forgive me for this, but honestly, if you think you have depression, I
can't tell you enough how much it matters that you get yourself in for
treatment for it. Depression makes a huge difference to how you're
able to parent, and to how you cope with the hard things that come
your way. Take a look:

http://www.aboutourkids.org/aboutour...r/janfeb03.pdf
http://apha.confex.com/apha/130am/te...aper_46334.htm

I'm not just speaking academically here; I do know what prolonged
stress can do to you.

I am so glad to have these discussion boards... I mean it. I know probably
at this point in my life.. I really need to seek professional help... get on
meds.. etc.. but I'm not ready to do that, just yet... I have felt safer
going this route among "peers" who know what I'm talking about... have
experienced this... and/or at least provide a good attentive ear... that
makes a difference and has been my saving grace, truly...

I welcome your input. You know, talking with peers, doing talk therapy
and meds are not mutually exclusive. An awful lot of people feel that
it's weak, or showing flaws, to go on meds for depression. I felt that
way too for a long time, though I wouldn't have overtly admitted it.
In '92 my 14 year marriage ended, and I had no job and custody of 5 &
7 year old daughters. In 93 I got a new job and moved to a nearby
town. In 94 the job ended, I got very sick, moved to yet another town
and started yet another new job. My house didn't sell. In 95 that job
ended (term contracts) and I moved yet again to another house and
another town and another job. I also lost the house I'd bought in the
first town...long story. In there my younger daughter was diagnosed
with hearing loss, LD and severe far sightedness that had affected her
visual processing. In 98 my sister suicided. In 99 I went to Australia
& got my masters in 00. In 01 my youngest was abducted on her way to
school and raped at knifepoint, and we've been dealing with the
fallout ever since. In 02 I left my job and home to get my daughter
help, and was therefore unemployed & racked up huge debt. My house
from the old place is still not sold. Now my youngest is about to go
into inpatient treatment as part of her recovery process. Somewhere
around Christmas 03, my new, and excellent, GP, suggested I might have
depression. I thought she might be right, but I didn't want to think
about it because, you know, it might mean I was 'weak'. I wasn't
'ready'. Finally I did realize I should probably consider a short
course of meds, so I did. When she prescribed them, my doctor remarked
that my kids would certainly notice the difference. I thought she was
nuts. Later, both girls commented separately to their Dad that I was
clearly feeling much better. And I was! On the lowest possible dose, I
couldn't believe that I hadn't done it sooner. After all, my
'credentials' for having 'earned' my depression were good. But people
are so quick to use terms like 'crazy' and 'looney' for anybody who
isn't coping according to some arbitrary standard, and to imply that
if one needs meds one is weak, I had bought into that without even
realizing it. Even now, it's not something I talk about because, like
anyone else, I can be hurt and I don't want to be called either 'weak'
or 'crazy' just because I take a low dose of antidepressant meds. And
I don't want people who think I'm 'strong' to change their minds about
me. So I considered not posting this, because even here, I don't
especially want to be hurt.

But then I thought, if people don't speak out about such things, how
will society's attitudes ever get any less hurtful?

So I'm telling you. If you're depressed, don't let those attitudes
prevent you from getting proper treatment, including meds if
indicated. Being the best parent you can be to your child requires
that you be emotionally healthy. Don't let society's attitudes stop
you from being there 100%.

My elder daughter told me less than a week ago, something that just
shocked me. She said that back right after her sister's rape, back
when I was holding it all together as best I could, and thought I was
doing okay, after I was asleep, apparently she could hear me crying in
my sleep. Night after night. Her bedroom was right underneath mine.

Lotta healing still underway, here.

No one else in my family has gone through this (and probably never will have
to...) My parents have been happily married for 35 years.. my sister has
been happily married for 7 years... so in both these cases.. they (my sister
and mother) did things the "right" way... whereas me... I have taken the
opposite route, and why? Not because I was so in love with this guy... it
wasn't that at all... it was really quite the reverse... me being rebellious
(I was 22...) and really not giving a damn about myself... because I didn't
at the time... from the time I found out I was pregnant, though.. that was a
huge huge huge wake up call for me.. and I grew up in an instant, so to
speak... and believe me.. I don't give myself any outs... or excuses... this
is what it is... and I am not going to sit here and whine because this is
how my life is... if you get my drift.. it's just that I wanted to be clear
on why I feel as I do... that there is some basis for it.. it's not just
coming from left field...

There're always reasons for why we feel the way we do. I assumed you
had reasons.

Consider, though, that feeling angry hurts you, rather than them. I
know what I'm talking about he my daughter's rapist was never
caught. I can be livid about what happened to her, and believe me, I
have my moments. But all the anger in the world has no effect on HIM.
It's ME who feels it and pays the price. I choose not to actively
participate in suffering that increases the impact of what he did, on
myself and my family and of course my daughter.

'Course, knowing that in the head and getting it into one's heart can
be two different things. And I agree with you that sometimes getting
that anger vented out is the way to keep it from percolating and
causing destruction within. Nothing wrong with a run of therapy to
help things get reframed, though.

Good luck to you.

Cele