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#21
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Need help ... Interacting with girlfriends baby
Elizabeth Reid wrote:
Yeah, this is one big reason we think we might stop at one. But the OP's girlfriend only has one, so her experience might be more like mine. I mostly spoke up because I remember reading these posts when I was pregnant, and they scared me silly. I fell into some sort of prenatal depression when I was about eight weeks along, I think, and every time someone made a comment about my life being over or I saw a post like Wendy's, I thought, what have I done?!? No joking, I really felt awful. I had one friend who's a parent of a two-year-old send me condolences instead of congratulations when he heard I was pregnant. Made me feel just great. So anyway, I feel compelled to testify that at the moment it's hard for us, but not as hard as Wendy's picture. Sam does sleep for some stretches of time, we get a few hours in the evening to chat while we do chores, and our time while he's awake doesn't feel like work work work even if in a sense that's what it is. He's awfully cute in our biased eyes, and we have lots of fun hanging out as a threesome, even if our primary activity is thwarting his attempts at self- destruction. I don't have a sense of us putting off enjoyment until he turns five, I guess is what I mean. I see where you are coming from now. I do want to clarify that when *I* say it is a lot of work I don't necessarly mean work as something negative. What I should say is that the majority of my time is spent taking care of the kids. I guess I say work because it isn't something I can not do. But I want to do it, that is why I had them :-) I certainly do not feel as if I am putting of enjoyement, they are my enjoyment. -- Nikki Mama to Hunter (4) and Luke (2) |
#22
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Need help ... Interacting with girlfriends baby
On Sat, 02 Aug 2003 13:03:32 GMT, "0tterbot" wrote:
"Wendy Marsden" wrote in message ... rwinnh wrote: Hello, I am a young man who is involved in a developing relationship with a single mother of a 1 yr old boy. Parenting is a little bit like having an obsessive hobby. It takes up ALL your free time, it doesn't stop and it isn't all that much fun much of the time. millions would disagree. i find it unexpectedly fun, & the parts that aren't fun aren't always not-fun either. it's like anything - it won't be fun all the time but can be positive in other ways. (even really ****ty days can be positive - because there's another ****ty day you won't have again. ****ty days as a parent are much more instructive than ****ty days at work, for example). Okay, I'm glad I'm not the only one thinking this. While there were times I was stressed and tired, for the most part I enjoyed my children's babyhood. It was fun. I was also a single parent with an infant, toddler and then preschooler, working full time, sometimes doing shift work, with my fist child. If I had stress, it wasn't from the child, she was a joy. It was from the "scheduling:" that parents, especially single parents have to do. I also had an active social life, and even sex on occasion during my oldest daughter's young years. I dated, and I regularly took time for myself. I also went on dates with my child, but if it was someone I was casually dating (and yes I did), I didnt introduce them to daughter right away. As well as going on dates alone, we spent alot of fun time with my child, that gave us time together and enjoy Katie as wello. We went to the beach and had picnics, we went to the zoo, we went on hikes, we sat on the pation and had burgers while she played in the grass. While I dint go to parrites, beer blasts and so on, I would suggest that all nineteen year olds dont do that either, and its a disservice to assume they do. Eventually I met someone when my oldest was four, and quite frankly it was much more difficult introducing a new adult into her life at four and five than it may have been earlier. People do it for a variety of reasons, but the underlying reason is love. If you aren't willing to love this child and spend 40 hours a week for the next 17 years doing things with and for this child, find another girlfriend. (snip) Okay, now said daughter is twenty four, youngest is fourteen and you know what, I actually spend hours weekly "not" doing something with and for the child. Heck, he actually spends alot of time doing things for me these days, while I am elsewhere (that 800 dollar phone bill you know). while we all have different parenting styles and different personalities in our kids, your view really sounds scary to me. Barb |
#23
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Need help ... Interacting with girlfriends baby
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#24
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Need help ... Interacting with girlfriends baby
"dragonlady" wrote in message ... In article , Wendy Marsden wrote: Elizabeth Reid wrote: I mostly spoke up because I remember reading these posts when I was pregnant, and they scared me silly. I'm sorry if I made it sound bleak. I didn't mean it to sound like my world was terrible with toddlers - it wasn't. But my world WAS centered on toddlers and I *barely* had enough time and energy to keep my own marriage together (it really got tough after the second) and that was in a situation with planned pregnancies and the man in question was as devoted to the children as I was. The fact is, though, that a marriage needs some private grown-up time (at least mine does) and there was a period of time in there where it was being neglected. I don't mean to extrapolate to all of your marriages being in danger, but I do mean to point out to the OP that he isn't going to get a relationship with this woman all by herself. Yes, but sometimes that time has to be put on hold, at least temporarily, and the ability to do that can be important. DH and I had a serious conversation about this when we had a 3 yo and infant twins, and basically agreed that *our* relationship was not going to have much attention for some period of time, but that we knew we'd get back to it. And we did OK with that. I have a hard time understanding that. A big new part of our relationship is our son. Not the only part, to be sure. We go out on dates and stuff. But I would not be a very competent Mom if I could not share opinions and whatnot with DH. We do not talk ONLY about DS and our upcoming DD. We still talk about work and whatnot. But we still know what is going on in each other's thoughts and feelings most of the time. We have not roller bladed in over 3 years. But that is not what our marriage is made of. You know what I mean? I think the work / hard thing is largely a matter of attitude. When my Dad had a brain injury and my Mom was caring for him at home, after a long, long time in hospitals and rehabs and whatnot, she would admit that this was the hardest thing she had ever done. But she said what you have to do in life is "find your responsibilities and make them your joy." "In the old days" there was a greater population whose life centered on survival. I would bet, though I certainly have no way to prove, that the difference between the happy and the grumpy was largely a matter of attitude. Don't get me wrong, I am not accusing anyone here of being a grump. I just am differing with the statement "*our* relationship was not going to have much attention for some period of time" It seems to me that, though a marital relationship changes when children come, that it can morph into a different set of interactions that are part of the new reality. That's all. S meh -- Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care |
#25
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Need help ... Interacting with girlfriends baby
Stephanie and Tim wrote:
I have a hard time understanding that. A big new part of our relationship is our son. Not the only part, to be sure. We go out on dates and stuff. See, I would disagree that your son is part of your relationship. You have a relationship with your son, he has a relationship with your son, and you and your DH have a relationship. Two people who both love the same kid can do things together that revolve around the kid and both enjoy it. If that's what you mean by it being part of your relationship then I'd agree. My husband and I frequently do activities together with the children that revolve around doing what the kids want to do. I somehow doubt that it would be as enjoyable for a man who isn't ga ga in love with the kids, though. I'm also glad to see you go on dates. I am very disheartened to see just how many people are divorcing when they've got a three year old. I think people forget that the relationship needs to be nurtured between the adults. I know that was a big part of the problem during the rough patch that my marriage went through. Wendy |
#26
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Need help ... Interacting with girlfriends baby
Banty wrote:
Yeah - I was a single mom with a baby, and although granted I was much older and more settled, it wasn't like I only had two hours to myself the whole week! And I did find time to date, etc. I never said I didn't have two hours to myself the whole week. I said I could barely scrape together two hours a week with my husband. Between chores, taking care of the children, work schedules, exhaustion (a constant, as I recall) and lack of child-care we just didn't have much in the way of quality time. Your mileage may vary. I'm glad you were able to date. I recall my mother dating, too, and it wasn't an awful thing... until she brought a guy home to live with us (and eventually married us.) That wasn't a great thing. (But I don't feel like going into my rant today about parents who displace teen kids when they have a new love.) Wendy |
#27
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Need help ... Interacting with girlfriends baby
"Nikki" wrote in message news:3f2c8834$1_3@newsfeed...
I don't know about the 'man' part, but I do know that the '19' part can make more or less difference depending on the person in question. My MIL was married with two kids by the time she was 19. I think more depends on life experiences and basic maturity level. I don't know anything about the OP beside his few posts, but you never know, he might well be up to the challenge. He might be, but I can't imagine her having the will/desire to build a new relationship while mothering an infant. I know plenty of people do it, I certainly would not be one of them, lol. Good think the world has all types. She's a little older... but I have to agree with you for myself too. At any maturity level, I'm not sure I can picture having an intense relationship with a baby and an equally intense just- budding new romance. I'm more of an introvert, so maybe a high-energy extrovert would have no problem with this. Beth Sam 8/16/2003 |
#28
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Need help ... Interacting with girlfriends baby
"Wendy Marsden" wrote in message
... But do you understand that I'm telling this young man that life with a toddler is fundamentally about the toddler? yes, i got that part ;-) I'm sorry if I made it sound like toddler days aren't fun. But it truly isn't a lifestyle for everyone and the people I would think it was LEAST for would be an unrelated 19 year old man. true as well (& that's the way it should be), but he wants to be a part of this baby's life, which i think is marvellous, & the picture you painted of the aforementioned life with a toddler was just unspeakably grim!! (as well as, like i pointed out in my post, simply *not the case* for an awful lot of people.) that's all :-) kylie -- www.rdj.com.au |
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