After school care = coronary or divorce?

OK, I apologize for being melodramatic, but I wanted to get the
attention of as many folks as possible. I need your help.

My spouse and I are at loggerheads over putting our daughter (8 years
old) in an after-school program. We both work, my schedule is
flexible, my spouse's is not (8-5 M-F). The school bus comes at
8:10am, and I have been getting her on the bus, and then leaving for
work so I can arrive at 8:30am. In order to pick her up, I have to
leave work at 3:50pm at the latest. If I skip my lunch, I can put in
about 7.5 h a day (which in reality is probably more than most of my
colleagues). However, I feel uncomfortable about my supervisor seeing
me arrive a bit late, AND leave early. I have asked my spouse to try
to arrange to arrive at work at 8:30am instead of 8:00am so that I can
go into work earlier. This way, one of us is getting our daughter on
the bus, and the other getting her off of it, and we're both putting in
a proper 8 hours.

My spouse is very reluctant to do this, and has suggested enrolling our
daughter in an after-school program (accredited) run at the elementary
school. Our daughter would be in the program for about an hour after
the regular school day.

My opinion (I stress "MY", and realize other have equally valid views),
is that our daughter should not spend any more than eight hours at
school, the normal length of the school day. I would rather continue
our current arrangement than go the after-school care route. However,
in this economy, I fear for my job security too. In this situation, I
am making considerably more than my spouse. However, I also understand
the desire to create a successful career, regardless of your wage.

My questions a

1. Do others who have had this situation have any suggestions that
worked well for them to solve this problem?

2. Is it unreasonable for me to expect my spouse to change working
scheduals (and take a minor cut in pay) to alleviate some of this
stress?

I realize that this is a problem my spouse and I have to work out
ourselves, but I could really use the advice of someone who has gone
through it already.

Thanks in advance,
at

In article .com,
wrote:
My spouse is very reluctant to do this, and has suggested enrolling our
daughter in an after-school program (accredited) run at the elementary
school. Our daughter would be in the program for about an hour after
the regular school day.

My opinion (I stress "MY", and realize other have equally valid views),
is that our daughter should not spend any more than eight hours at
school, the normal length of the school day. I would rather continue
our current arrangement than go the after-school care route. However,
in this economy, I fear for my job security too. In this situation, I
am making considerably more than my spouse. However, I also understand
the desire to create a successful career, regardless of your wage.

My questions a

1. Do others who have had this situation have any suggestions that
worked well for them to solve this problem?

I haven't been in this situation, as my wife has a part-time job at my
son's school so has been picking him up, and I have flexible enough
hours that I can drop him off. This quarter, I'll be able to work at
home a couple of days a week (a nice change after the 60-80 hour weeks
all summer), so I'll be picking him up at least once a week.

Since Santa Cruz is such an expensive place to live, the problem of
two fulltime working parents is extremely common, though. The
afterschool program at our school is quite popular, and I have not
heard any complaints about it. I know one of the teachers in the
kindergarten afterschool program (since he worked one summer at my
son's preschool, and is one of the parents at the school most involved
in trying to get adequate financing for public schools), and I know
that he is *great* with that age group.

One of my son's friends regularly attends afterschool care and has for
the 4 years she has been at the school. She seems to think it is a
perfectly ok way to spend her time after school.

In short, I would not dismiss after-school care as a terrible thing,
unless you have investigated and determined that the programs
available to you are not a good fit for your child.

2. Is it unreasonable for me to expect my spouse to change working
schedules (and take a minor cut in pay) to alleviate some of this
stress?

It is not an unreasonable thing for the person who feels the stress to
change schedules. Whether it is an unreasonable thing for your spouse
to do is something that the two of you will have do decide for
yourselves. Insisting that your spouse change schedules and sacrifice
career aspirations because *you* are uncomfortable with the aftercare
program does sound a bit demanding.


------------------------------------------------------------
Kevin Karplus http://www.soe.ucsc.edu/~karplus
Professor of Biomolecular Engineering, University of California, Santa Cruz
Undergraduate and Graduate Director, Bioinformatics
(Senior member, IEEE) (Board of Directors, ISCB starting Jan 2005)
life member (LAB, Adventure Cycling, American Youth Hostels)
Effective Cycling Instructor #218-ck (lapsed)
Affiliations for identification only.

wrote:

My opinion (I stress "MY", and realize other have equally valid views),
is that our daughter should not spend any more than eight hours at
school, the normal length of the school day.

The premise is wrong. The normal school day is not 8 hours. You
can't really count the bus riding time or lunch anymore than you
count it for your own job.

In middle school, it was 8 am to 2:30 pm and teachers had to be there
at 7:45 and could leave at 3:15. We had about 20 minutes for lunch.
The kids were there as much as half a hour before school started, and
up to 15 minutes after the first dismissal, but that was dependent on
the bus schedule. In elementary school it was 9:15 to 3:45. The
actual school days in both cases was 6.5 hours, and not eight hours.
And at 8, they should be having breaks like recess etc. So they don't
have their heads down at work for anything LIKE eight hours.

My daughter and SIL do something like what you propose. She leaves
for work about 5 am and gets off at about 2, so she is home when her
ds gets home. Her dh gets her ds off in the morning and works later.
Sometimes if my SIL has to be at work a bit early, they have their ds
walked down to the next block and get on the bus with another child
that is a friend.

I used to have college classes that required that I leave the house
before my son was allowed to be in school, and I paid for pre-school
care for him at a ladies house near the school - he could walk from
her house to school.

Another possibility would be for you to go back to work after your
spouse gets home.

grandma Rosalie

wrote:
OK, I apologize for being melodramatic, but I wanted to get the
attention of as many folks as possible. I need your help.

My spouse and I are at loggerheads over putting our daughter (8 years
old) in an after-school program. We both work, my schedule is
flexible, my spouse's is not (8-5 M-F). The school bus comes at
8:10am, and I have been getting her on the bus, and then leaving for
work so I can arrive at 8:30am. In order to pick her up, I have to
leave work at 3:50pm at the latest. If I skip my lunch, I can put in
about 7.5 h a day (which in reality is probably more than most of my
colleagues). However, I feel uncomfortable about my supervisor seeing
me arrive a bit late, AND leave early. I have asked my spouse to try
to arrange to arrive at work at 8:30am instead of 8:00am so that I can
go into work earlier. This way, one of us is getting our daughter on
the bus, and the other getting her off of it, and we're both putting in
a proper 8 hours.

My spouse is very reluctant to do this, and has suggested enrolling our
daughter in an after-school program (accredited) run at the elementary
school. Our daughter would be in the program for about an hour after
the regular school day.

My opinion (I stress "MY", and realize other have equally valid views),
is that our daughter should not spend any more than eight hours at
school, the normal length of the school day. I would rather continue
our current arrangement than go the after-school care route. However,
in this economy, I fear for my job security too. In this situation, I
am making considerably more than my spouse. However, I also understand
the desire to create a successful career, regardless of your wage.

My questions a

1. Do others who have had this situation have any suggestions that
worked well for them to solve this problem?

I'm like Kevin -- I have a flexible enough schedule,
and accommodating/understanding supervisors, and a wife
who's part-time work schedule is even more flexible that
we don't have this problem. However, I also have lots
of acquaintances who use the after-school program at
DS's school, and I've heard few complaints. From what
I see when I occasionally bike past the school on my
way home, some kids play out on the playground (or in
the gym if it's snowing/raining/too cold), DD said some
go to the library, others work on homework.

One solution that friends of ours do is to have a
nanny/baby sitter for after school. Could you hire
a trusted college student for that? That way your
child gets home and you can work. Or alternate
pick-up with another family who has the same
dilemma.

2. Is it unreasonable for me to expect my spouse to change working
scheduals (and take a minor cut in pay) to alleviate some of this
stress?

If you mutually agree on it, no, it's not unreasonable.


Scott DD 11 and DS 8.9

1. Do others who have had this situation have any suggestions that
worked well for them to solve this problem?

I'm not sure why you think after school care is a problem. If you think it's
like school, it's not at all. At least none of the after school programs
we've ever used. My kids LOVED after school programs. They're a lot of fun,
they give kids a good chance to unwind and just have fun, they're
supervised, and it's a great social outlet for kids. IMO, it's a lot better
than coming home and sitting in front of the TV for an hour.

Have you even checked out the after school program to see what they offer?
Are you opposed to it just because it's at the school, even if it's fun and
your child would like it?

2. Is it unreasonable for me to expect my spouse to change working
scheduals (and take a minor cut in pay) to alleviate some of this
stress?

Well, that's between you and your spouse, but I'd say in my opinion that
yes, it's pretty unreasonable if you haven't bothered to consider the other
option, your after school program. You've got a very viable option open to
you, and you're rejecting it without even trying it. I think that's pretty
unreasonable.

I guess I'd try a month of after school care and see how it goes before I
just dismissed it. If that doesn't work for your family, then it's time to
reevaluate. But try it before you reject it.

On Tue, 4 Jan 2005 07:34:28 EST, "Rosalie B."
wrote:

wrote:

My opinion (I stress "MY", and realize other have equally valid views),
is that our daughter should not spend any more than eight hours at
school, the normal length of the school day.

The premise is wrong. The normal school day is not 8 hours. You
can't really count the bus riding time or lunch anymore than you
count it for your own job.

It's not 8 hours of schoolwork time, true. But it may well be 8 hours
stuck with one particular crowd of peers, especially if she is
introverted, accustomed to her privacy, or having difficulty with some
particular kids at school. If the poster is concerned about adding to
that by signing his/her daughter up for an after-school care program
at the school, it might work better if they looked for other options
(and of course, consulting her about what she thinks she would like to
do after school if a parent can't be home). Perhaps it might work
out for her to spend the time with someone who cares for younger
children (his/her own or professionally) during the day, but doesn't
have anyone else her age. Perhaps there is an older person in your
neighbourhood who might be a good caregiver and friend. Is there
anyone else in your neighbourhood who walks or bicycles home from
school? The travel might use up much of the time and be good exercise
as well.

You should also explore the options for before-school care. You and
your daughter might find it less disruptive for her to get an early
start to her day than for her to extend the end of her day.

Any of these arrangements, as well as the after-school program at the
school, doesn't have to be for 5 days a week - you and your spouse
might be comfortable with a set-up where you are free to work later
for 2 or 3 days a week but meet your daughter at home on the other
days.

I know other people whose kids usually attend an after-school group
program, but who have arrangements that on Mondays the child gets
himself to his piano lesson and his parent picks him up from there, or
on Thursdays he walks to a martial-arts class and another parent
drives him home from there.

Louise

"animzmirot" wrote:

snip
2. Is it unreasonable for me to expect my spouse to change working
scheduals (and take a minor cut in pay) to alleviate some of this
stress?

Yes

Anything like that should be agreed upon by both parties. IMHO you
are 'hitting below the belt' (which means that you are taking an
unfair advantage) by putting pressure on your spouse to do this if she
does not want to do it.

Well, that's between you and your spouse, but I'd say in my opinion that
yes, it's pretty unreasonable if you haven't bothered to consider the other
option, your after school program. You've got a very viable option open to
you, and you're rejecting it without even trying it. I think that's pretty
unreasonable.

I guess I'd try a month of after school care and see how it goes before I
just dismissed it. If that doesn't work for your family, then it's time to
reevaluate. But try it before you reject it.

I agree. And there are all kinds of other options which people have
suggested that you can use instead of having your spouse having to
restrict her hours and take a cut in pay.

In addition to aftercare, or having the child go to another child's
house in the morning, having a morning daycare, you going back to work
after your spouse gets home and having someone come in just for a
short time to fill in the gap between the child getting home and your
spouse getting home, there is also the possibility of just dropping
your child off early at the school (how early can she be there?).







grandma Rosalie

What does your daughter think about all this?

Our school has a daycare located within the building, and an
afterschool program, and our kids have repeatedly expressed the desire
to participate!
They can come straight home after school, but they see the afterschool
program as a fun thing, and they are jealous of their friends who stay.
Mary G.

In article .com,
wrote:

2. Is it unreasonable for me to expect my spouse to change working
scheduals (and take a minor cut in pay) to alleviate some of this
stress?

It's not unreasonable, IMO, to expect your spouse to contribute
toward alleviating the stress. You have suggested one way (changing
your spouse's hours) and your spouse has suggested another (after
school care).

I don't think it's reasonable for either of you to insist on your
solution. You need to consider together what your child needs, and
what the relative costs of cutting back hours (both now and future
earning potential if this impacts career growth) versus after school
care will be.

I will say that most parents where both spouses work have to depend
on some form of childcare, and the exceptions seem to only be where
both spouses agree that avoiding this is more important than either's
career goals, which doesn't seem to be the case in your family.

Good luck working something out!

--Robyn

How much does the aftercare cost, anyway? I've always assumed it would be (a)
very expensive for the amount of time and (b) difficult to get into after the
year begins. It's of course entirely possible that neither is the case with the
situation the OP is facing.

--Helen