Halloween Do's and DON'Ts from America's Favorite Grandma!

Sweet Grandmother Super-Holiness here again with a question for the
season: Don't you people have any shame? Don't you realize that there
are untold billions of sinners frying in hell right now? Do you really
want to join them in their torment? Hell got so big recently they had
to open new wings for the throngs of sinners pouring into it on the
planet Venus, where every
raindrop is full of sulfuric acid and will make your flesh literally
sizzle when it hits you! Hahahahaha! Wouldn't you rather spend
eternity in a sprawling Southern mansion in the Kingdom of Heaven with
my family and me, a mansion complete with stately white marble columns
and a reflecting pool on the outside, plus plush wall-to-wall carpeting
and elaborate crystal
chandeliers on the inside? How can any of you prefer your own fleshly
lusts for power, money, and the fleeting pleasures of the all too
mortal flesh to the Throne, the Crown, the Scepter, and the angel-woven
Red Carpet you'll be awarded in heaven if you'll only repent and stop
neglecting your responsibilities as parents, educators, and proper role
models for children? That could easily include burning your TV set.
It's a ransmitter of filth!

I want to share with you this year's list of Halloween do's and
don'ts. Far too many of you do all the wrong things on this so-called
"holiday" and leave your children open to the very real threat of
demonic possession in the process. Not all terror comes from the
Middle East -- but I think you all need to remember who warned you
about the kind that does come from there first. I was telling you
about the Threat from the Desert long before September 11, 2001.

The forces of darkness are waging war against your family at this very
moment. Nothing would please Satan more than to capture your children
and corrupt their precious young souls through the agency of such evils
as television, computer games, alcohol, drugs, the occult, and that
disgusting rock 'n' rap they listen to, not to mention al-Qa'idah's
operatives plotting terror and mayhem down at the local mosque. Have
you noticed how many mosques are in rotten neighborhoods right next to
filthy bars, whorehouses, or dirty bookstores? If you want to keep
your children out of trouble this year, you'll pay careful attention to
the following recommendations from God's best friend and yours -- and
the ultimate children's advocate -- Reverend Grandmother Henrietta
"Super-Holiness" Hickey.

1
DO illuminate your front porch or doorway on Halloween so kids won't
think you're a lonely, bitter old recluse who doesn't want children to
enjoy themselves at least once or twice a year. Show today's young
people that your light will shine in the darkness of greed, lust, and
hate, inspiring children to draw nigh unto God and to share His
blessings. If you have any open pits on your property, make sure
they're thoroughly barricaded on Halloween night, lest someone's little
monster fall in and embark on his or her journey into eternity far too
soon. Wouldn't that be a shame?

2
DON'T hand out any sugar-loaded candy or snacks. Kids can
easily become addicted to such poisons as Hershey Bars, Kit-Kat, and
Jujyfruits. If you must give the little trick-or-treaters something to
stuff their fat little faces with, give them wholesome apples, oranges,
or raisins instead. Children who are grossly overweight, a sure sign
they're being neglected at home and left alone to raid the cookie jar
(and worse, since too many of those so-called "working moms" have
marihuana and other drugs stashed somewhere in the bedroom) every
afternoon after school, give them one of those diet brochures asking
them, "Why Are You So FAT, Kid?" and offering them three or four
sensible diets instead of all the junk food with which their lazy,
indulgent parents stuff their puffy cheeks morning, noon, and night.

3
DO hand out Gospel tracts explaining to children that Halloween is
fundamentally a Satanic celebration best avoided by True Christians.
Chick Publications has a wide variety of 40-page pamphlets addressing
this issue. Titles include "Bewitched," "Boo!" "The Poor Little
Witch," "The Trick," and "The Little Ghost." All are available in
Spanish, in the event you have lots of those little foreign kids in
your neighborhood who refuse to learn proper English or obey our
immigration and traffic laws. Some are also avaialble in Chinese,
Korean, Vietnamese, and Philistine -- to address the waves of
immigrants that wash up on our nation's shores from those largely pagan
countries. Hickey Family Holiness Ministries publishes a few titles on
the subject also, among them "The Big Barbecue" and "Satan Lurks in
Every Shadow." Think about inviting children to your church on Sunday.
If you haven't already, work out a program that will hold their
interest. Every church needs at least one active youth group. It
doesn't matter if the children belong to another religion. If they're
celebrating Halloween, especially by dressing up as something
provocative or strange, they can't be all that religious anyway no
matter what church their parents pack them off to of a Sunday morning
while they stay home and nurse their hangovers. In short, they need
all the spiritual help they can get, and it's a True Christian's job to
give it to them.

4
DON'T let your children dress up as vampires, witches, werewolves,
extraterrestrials or another supernatural (which is to say demonic)
creatures. Mad scientists and mass murderers are also out, as are all
turban-wearing muftis or mullahs from the Islamic fringe. This year a
lot of children are still dressing up as soldiers, National Guardsmen,
doctors, and nurses to show their support for those brave men and women
who risk their lives every day to rescue that unworthy Third World
riff-raff over in the mostly Godless Middle East. They can also dress
up as American heroes like Dred Scott, Martin Luther King, Frederick
Douglass, Booker T. Washington, Charles Richard Drew, Phyllis Wheatley,
and Harriet Tubman. No child must be allowed to dress up as a slave, a
tramp, a pimp, a Holy Joe, or an Elmer Gantry of any race. Make sure
your neighbors know you fully support Our President's plan to plunder
Iraq. Why not dress up like a soldier who gave his life for our
country? The kids can tell the neighbors who died to save their
complacent nation from Arab terror. Just be careful that it wasn't one
of those perverts who took internet porn over to Iraq and got those
people all stirred up sexually.

5
DO make sure your children cover up their tender young flesh on
Halloween, no matter how warm it is. Boys should not be allowed to
bare their chests or wear skimpy loincloths like Tarzan. Girls must
not be allowed to wear revealing clothes or to dress like popular media
"stars" like Britney Spears and Jennifer Aguilera. The no-bra look is
definitely out for any girl over ten. Even the most upscale
neighborhoods are full of child molesters and other deviates who will
lust after any half-dressed child if given the opportunity. Marilyn
Monroe, Madonna, and Las Ketchup are not proper role models for today's
girls. They all dress immodestly and tout their sexual attributes
openly and shamelessly. A few years ago I saw a girl dressed as that
wicked Jennifer Lopez. The things she did with that Ben Affleck, a
white Jew who ought to know better, are nothing short of abominations
in God's sight, and we all know it. I wouldn't give any of my mixed
nuts to any little whore-in-the making. What I'd like to give her is a
slap across the face, but instead I tell her that we don't serve tramps
at Hickey House any night of the year. Girls under the age of ten
shouldn't be allowed to wear lipstick and other serious, adult makeup,
even on Halloween. They'll wind up just like that poor JonBenet
Ramsey, whose funny name was just the first among her many woes. have
they closed that case yet? I guess if you're rich enough in this
country you can get away with murder -- IF you're white!

5
DON'T allow boys to dress up like girls or vice versa. Cross-dressing
is an abomination in the eyes of God and promotes homosexuality. A
lot of stage drag queens got their start when permissive parents
allowed them to cross-dress one Halloween. Remember "Glen or Glenda"?
That's how the devil plants gender confusion in children's minds. Soon
the devil convinces such children that they really are members of the
opposite sex and begins to cloud their mind with sinister sexual
impulses as well. Make sure the sex of every child is apparent from
the costume he or she is wearing.

6
DO consider having a safe and sane Halloween party at your home instead
of sending your children out into a dark night full of
devil-worshipping flakes and weirdoes. Homosexuals are especially
active on Halloween night. Most attend Black Masses at which they sign
the Gay Agenda in their own blood before proceeding to pounce on
innocent children. Many actually lie down and copulate with the devil
or his low priests during these blasphemous occasions to get charged
up. Report any evidence of Satanic worship, which often involves
outdoor orgies and child sacrifice, to the police. The parents could
get together too, of course, but should avoid imbibing any of the
devil's potions, elixirs, and brews. They should study the Holy Bible
and praise the Lord instead.

7
DON'T forget to have a short religious service during this party, at
which you give thanks to Almighty God for His many blessings. It's a
good idea to reclaim the entire holiday from the pagans by giving it a
religious theme, such as Daniel in the Lion's Den or Esther's Plea on
Behalf of Her People. It's beautiful to see children dressed up as
well-known Biblical characters. Just be sure your little Samsons and
Delilahs don't expose too much skin or get carried away while enacting
their parts. Remember that no girl under the age of fourteen should
ever be allowed to play Jezebel, for obvious reasons.

8
DO give your children Gospel tracts to pass out if they go
trick-or-treating. They should be encouraged to report any and all
suspicious activities to you. If a pervert is seen trying to lure a
child into a "haunted house," his activities should be reported to the
police. Witches who entice children to drink their hallucinogenic
brews must be exposed as dope pushers and jailed as corrupters of the
young, and then hopefully prosecuted and, if you live in a
Bible-believing community, stoned to death as a dispenser of death.
Make no mistake about it: the world is full of witches and they ALL
worship Satan. They may dress him up in drag and call him a nature
goddess or some such nonsense -- but he is their "lord" nonetheless.
And they do his evil work day and night by spreading Satanic doctrines
to anyone who will hear them -- especially impressionable young
children. Witches should be kept away from children, along with the
purveyors of all the Black Arts such as tae kwon do masters and bare
yogis.

9
DON'T forget to inspect every piece of candy that's put in your
child's bag. Satanists hate children and want to poison or injure
them. Discard any candy that shows evidence of tampering. Get rid of
anything that contains more than two grams of white sugar too. Kids
don't need that much stimulation. Cut any fruits into bite-sized
squares. Satan's witches and warlocks frequently insert pins and razor
blades into the most innocuous-looking sweets in order to kill them.
That's the way most of them sacrifice children to their dark master in
this evil day and age.

10
DO tell improperly dressed children to go back home and put some
decent clothes on. Don't be afraid to chase them away with a paddle or
a scourge if necessary. Explain to them that children who dress up
like demons or monsters or two-bit whores are actually inviting evil
forces to take possession of their bodies in the devil's name. Tell
them where they can find a good exorcist should they fall prey to the
devil's minions. Little
ghouls with plastic fangs and blood-like paint smeared all over their
faces should be reminded that in many parts of the pagan world --
including Italy -- people really do eat corpses and drink blood. Ask
them if that's really what they want to do when they grow up. Tell
them that if they give in to the devil, they may lose control of their
own minds, bodies, and souls and be turned into mindless, lust-crazed
sexual perverts or -- worst of all -- flaming homosexuals.

11
DON'T watch wicked movies unless you're sure the evildoers get their
just deserts in the end. Movies like "Psycho," which they show around
here every Mother's Day, are out because they leave the grinning madman
unpunished. Decent people want to know that the insane are given
regular electroshock treatments until they recover. There are too many
crazy people running around out there already. They should all be
rounded up and put back into nuthouses where they can't spread their
mental illnesses to others. Movies like "Cry Terror," where a rapist
is stabbed to death with a shard of glass and a kidnapper electrocuted,
are much better for young people because they teach a clear moral
message: evil doesn't pay. Children need to hear the death agonies of
the evildoers. That's why it's all right for them to watch the
original "Dracula" with Bela Lugosi -- at least as long as you don't
get one of those "edited" versions that softens the sounds of his death
cries. Christopher Lee's "Horror of Dracula" is even better. It shows
several vampires being staked right in the heart and the bloodthirsty
count himself dissolving into ashes when confronted with the Holy Cross
of Jesus -- all in glorious BLOOD COLOR! Amen! No ambiguous moral
quagmires should be tolerated on the screen. Children don't need to
see a lot of supernatural images in movies either. Burn copies of
"Harry Potter" and "The Blair Witch Project." They're both of the
devil! One movie that shows how witches really behave is "Horror
Hotel." It's not unlike "Psycho" in its way in that in involves a
coven of witches (all of them as insane as Norman Bates) who lure
beautiful virgins to a remote hotel where they can sacrifice them to
their master the devil. The saving grace is that all the witches in
the picture are burnt to death before the end.

11
DO call the police if your wicked neighbors insist on partying till
dawn. Remind them that you don't want your neighborhood to be turned
into a hotbed of drunkenness, revelry, lust, and vice on the devil's
special night, and that as a law-abiding, God-fearing True Christian or
Jew you won't stand for infractions of the law in your community. Blow
the whistle on people who smoke, drink, curse, play loud music, gamble,
take dope, join weird sex cults, invoke the devil, cast spells over a
bubbling cauldron, and generally waste their time in frivolous
pursuits. They're all evil and need to be punished!

12
DON'T forget to spank any child who misbehaves on Halloween night. If
your undisciplined little darlings can't control themselves beforehand
and eat too much fattening chocolate and chips, lock them in the closet
after school to teach them a hard lesson about life and the
consequences of bad behavior. Hearing their protests may weigh heavily
on your heart for a while, but when you're the only parent on the block
whose twelve-year-old doesn't have tooth decay and juvenile diabetes,
you'll thank me for my wise counsel! I promise you!


Remember, children, Jesus loves all of you,
No matter how sinful you are,
And most of you push the envelope every day when it comes to
wickedness!


Reverend Grandmother Henrietta "Super-Holiness" Hickey
Gushing Fountain of True Christian Wisdom