dealing with sibling jealousy

My daughter is 8 and has been the only child all this time. Of course she's
begged me for a baby brother or sister forever, but just yesterday I think
the reality hit. We went shopping for the stroller, carseat, swing, crib
mattress, etc. When we got home, she started acting all whiny, throwing a
tantrum (which she never ever does) and started crying. When I asked her
what was wrong, she said, "this stupid baby is spoiled rotten!"

My first born is so very dear to me. I was a single parent up until a year
ago and we've been through alot together. How do I protect her, make her
feel loved and important, and keep her involved in everything? I want this
to be a smooth transition for her too.

betsy

"oregonchick" wrote in message
...
My daughter is 8 and has been the only child all this time. Of course
she's begged me for a baby brother or sister forever, but just yesterday I
think the reality hit. We went shopping for the stroller, carseat, swing,
crib mattress, etc. When we got home, she started acting all whiny,
throwing a tantrum (which she never ever does) and started crying. When I
asked her what was wrong, she said, "this stupid baby is spoiled rotten!"

My first born is so very dear to me. I was a single parent up until a
year ago and we've been through alot together. How do I protect her, make
her feel loved and important, and keep her involved in everything? I want
this to be a smooth transition for her too.

Look at it her way. You've just gone out and spent $1000 (guessing as I'm
not sure of $) on the baby. That's probably more than you've been seen by
her to spend on her in one go. And she's probably old enough to realise that
the baby won't even care! And she's seen the excitement etc. of everyone
over the baby.
The age range is different (#1 was nearly 3 when #2 arrived) but when we'd
spent money/time on things for the baby I'd often tell #1 about what we'd
done for her before she was born. Things like "Granny was so excited
she...." or "I went to B&Q six times looking for the right colour paint to
go on your cot".
I also did tell her how grown up she was and show her things she could do to
help. I'm not sure that would work for an 8 year old (who's probably
realised she's not going to be the baby now) but it worked well for #1.

Perhaps now would be a good time to find something for her that the baby
couldn't have. Suggestions that spring to mind are, letting her have her
ears pierced, or a new bike, or repainting her room. Give lots of time for
it-browse round the shops to find the perfect bike etc.

HTH
Debbie

I remember when my brother was born. I was five years old and had been
raised as a single child all that time. It was not in the plans to make me a
little brother ;-) but he showed up anyway. I remember I wanted to marry him
when he was born. But I also remember the intense hatred I felt later on.

I loved him while he was at the hospital: all my aunts and my dad were all
over me so I wouldn't feel rejected. However, as soon as he showed up at
home, according to my mother, I started behaving strangely. She had never
thought I could react badly, because all through her pregnancy I was just
fine - but then, I was Daddy's little girl, and your daughter doesn't have
that (no reproach her, just acknowledging a fact). I retreated more and
more, spoke less and less. I was just jealous. In the end, she found out
that if she asked for my help with the baby, I would respond more positively
to her advances towards me.

I think you're doing the right thing, involving your daughter in everything
you do with regards to the baby. However, if she is not old enough not to
feel any jealousy (hey, we never are), she's old enough for you to
understant how it was with her when she was a baby: I bet she too was
"spoiled rotten", and you could dwell on that with her. My trick would be to
share stories of her when she was a babyeven make the picture a bit more
rosy than it really was. Maybe focus on her new role as big sister?

She will have her tantrums, and she will feel jealousy. I don't believe it's
possible for her not to. But involving her and telling her the (somewhat
embellished) thruth about her own babyhood will lessen the pain and the
feeling of rejection, of being "replaced", IMO.

Good luck


--

Isabelle
Mom to Mlle C, Nov. 27, 2004
Expecting Little One on June 7, 2006

"oregonchick" wrote in message
...
My daughter is 8 and has been the only child all this time. Of course
she's begged me for a baby brother or sister forever, but just yesterday I
think the reality hit. We went shopping for the stroller, carseat, swing,
crib mattress, etc. When we got home, she started acting all whiny,
throwing a tantrum (which she never ever does) and started crying. When I
asked her what was wrong, she said, "this stupid baby is spoiled rotten!"

My first born is so very dear to me. I was a single parent up until a
year ago and we've been through alot together. How do I protect her, make
her feel loved and important, and keep her involved in everything? I want
this to be a smooth transition for her too.

betsy

"Welches" wrote in message
...

"oregonchick" wrote in message
...
My daughter is 8 and has been the only child all this time. Of course
she's begged me for a baby brother or sister forever, but just yesterday
I think the reality hit. We went shopping for the stroller, carseat,
swing, crib mattress, etc. When we got home, she started acting all
whiny, throwing a tantrum (which she never ever does) and started crying.
When I asked her what was wrong, she said, "this stupid baby is spoiled
rotten!"

My first born is so very dear to me. I was a single parent up until a
year ago and we've been through alot together. How do I protect her,
make her feel loved and important, and keep her involved in everything?
I want this to be a smooth transition for her too.

Look at it her way. You've just gone out and spent $1000 (guessing as I'm
not sure of $) on the baby. That's probably more than you've been seen by
her to spend on her in one go. And she's probably old enough to realise
that the baby won't even care! And she's seen the excitement etc. of
everyone over the baby.
The age range is different (#1 was nearly 3 when #2 arrived) but when we'd
spent money/time on things for the baby I'd often tell #1 about what we'd
done for her before she was born. Things like "Granny was so excited
she...." or "I went to B&Q six times looking for the right colour paint to
go on your cot".
I also did tell her how grown up she was and show her things she could do
to help. I'm not sure that would work for an 8 year old (who's probably
realised she's not going to be the baby now) but it worked well for #1.

Perhaps now would be a good time to find something for her that the baby
couldn't have. Suggestions that spring to mind are, letting her have her
ears pierced, or a new bike, or repainting her room. Give lots of time for
it-browse round the shops to find the perfect bike etc.

HTH
Debbie

Thanks. We're buying her her first set of downhill skis for christmas, and
my husband is planning on teaching her how to ski this winter while I'm home
with baby. In the meantime, we're spending lots of special time together
that is not centered around the new baby.

"Zaz" wrote in message
.. .
I remember when my brother was born. I was five years old and had been
raised as a single child all that time. It was not in the plans to make me
a little brother ;-) but he showed up anyway. I remember I wanted to marry
him when he was born. But I also remember the intense hatred I felt later
on.

I loved him while he was at the hospital: all my aunts and my dad were all
over me so I wouldn't feel rejected. However, as soon as he showed up at
home, according to my mother, I started behaving strangely. She had never
thought I could react badly, because all through her pregnancy I was just
fine - but then, I was Daddy's little girl, and your daughter doesn't have
that (no reproach her, just acknowledging a fact). I retreated more and
more, spoke less and less. I was just jealous. In the end, she found out
that if she asked for my help with the baby, I would respond more
positively to her advances towards me.

I think you're doing the right thing, involving your daughter in
everything you do with regards to the baby. However, if she is not old
enough not to feel any jealousy (hey, we never are), she's old enough for
you to understant how it was with her when she was a baby: I bet she too
was "spoiled rotten", and you could dwell on that with her. My trick would
be to share stories of her when she was a babyeven make the picture a bit
more rosy than it really was. Maybe focus on her new role as big sister?

She will have her tantrums, and she will feel jealousy. I don't believe
it's possible for her not to. But involving her and telling her the
(somewhat embellished) thruth about her own babyhood will lessen the pain
and the feeling of rejection, of being "replaced", IMO.

Good luck


--

Isabelle
Mom to Mlle C, Nov. 27, 2004
Expecting Little One on June 7, 2006

Thanks. I feel really lucky that my husband, her step dad, is the best
father anyone could ever have. He has jumped into parenting with both feet,
taught my daughter how to swim, ride a bike, catch a baseball, read, spell,
play board games, speak German, etc. He has basically taken her on as his
own. And he has big plans for her still. He's buying her her first set of
downhill skis this christmas and plans to teach her to ski.

Fortunately, we are a 2 parent family now, and he is the most involved
father I have ever seen. Yes, her dad is still in the picture, but he falls
short on soooo many levels. Between my husband and I, I feel confident that
we'll be able to make everyone feel special. Still, there will be a
transition I'm sure.

Betsy

"oregonchick" wrote in message
...


Thanks. I feel really lucky that my husband, her step dad, is the best
father anyone could ever have. He has jumped into parenting with both
feet, taught my daughter how to swim, ride a bike, catch a baseball, read,
spell, play board games, speak German, etc. He has basically taken her on
as his own. And he has big plans for her still. He's buying her her
first set of downhill skis this christmas and plans to teach her to ski.

Fortunately, we are a 2 parent family now, and he is the most involved
father I have ever seen. Yes, her dad is still in the picture, but he
falls short on soooo many levels. Between my husband and I, I feel
confident that we'll be able to make everyone feel special. Still, there
will be a transition I'm sure.

Actually, I wonder if that could be something to do with it. I'm just
wondering if she's feeling that at the moment he's a great dad, but when he
has his "own" child she will become an outsider and he won't love her as
much?
Debbie

"Welches" wrote in message
...

"oregonchick" wrote in message
...


Thanks. I feel really lucky that my husband, her step dad, is the best
father anyone could ever have. He has jumped into parenting with both
feet, taught my daughter how to swim, ride a bike, catch a baseball,
read, spell, play board games, speak German, etc. He has basically taken
her on as his own. And he has big plans for her still. He's buying her
her first set of downhill skis this christmas and plans to teach her to
ski.

Fortunately, we are a 2 parent family now, and he is the most involved
father I have ever seen. Yes, her dad is still in the picture, but he
falls short on soooo many levels. Between my husband and I, I feel
confident that we'll be able to make everyone feel special. Still, there
will be a transition I'm sure.

Actually, I wonder if that could be something to do with it. I'm just
wondering if she's feeling that at the moment he's a great dad, but when
he has his "own" child she will become an outsider and he won't love her
as much?
Debbie

Boy, that's a consideration I hadn't thought of. I'll have to talk to her
about that.

Hi

I was almost 10 when my youngest sister arrived. I had a sister 3 years
younger so the situation is different. I have very fond memories of my
baby sister. I used to help bath her, change her nappies/diapers play
with her. When she learned to walk she took her first steps to me. I
loved to show her off. Admittedly the toddler stage, when she got into
everything was a bit of a pain. However an eight year old is old enough
to help out and probably enjoy it. SHe is also old enough that when the
baby arrives she will realise it has a different kind of relationship
to what she has with you.

I also have a friend with a son who was an only child like your
daughter and he was 9 when she had a daughter to her new partner. He
has coped very well with the change and has really enjoyed having a
little sister.

I hope your daughter ends up enjoying the new baby with you and the
jealousy is short lived.

Larissa