Independence Day - in more ways than one

"The Dave©" wrote in message
s.com...
July 4th is Independence Day

For me, too. Literally. You see, my divorce is final on July 4th. I am
not kidding. I have been participating in these two groups for quite some
time now, and have never really given a whole lot of information about my
situation. For whatever reason, I feel like doing so now. So, here goes:

I'll read later - got to run.

Tomorrow, I am a free man.

Congrads... and celebrate well.


Tracy
~~~~~~~
http://www.hornschuch.net/tracy/
"You can't solve problems with the same
type of thinking that created them."
Albert Einstein

*** spamguard in place! to email me: tracy at hornschuch dot net ***

The Dave© wrote in message
s.com...
July 4th is Independence Day

For me, too. Literally. You see, my divorce is final on July 4th. I am
not kidding. I have been participating in these two groups for quite some
time now, and have never really given a whole lot of information about my
situation. For whatever reason, I feel like doing so now. So, here goes:

A little background first. My ex and I met in late 1986 when I was going
to
school in Arizona. She came back to northern California with me in early
1988. She also had two kids from her previous marriage, ages 2 and 4 when
we moved back. We had a son together in late 1988. We did not get
married,
but lived together for quite awhile. May father died in 1992 and her and
I
got married a month later, in late 1992. Looking back, I think it was a
purely emotional thing on my part, to maybe replace a closeness that I had
just lost, as my dad and I were always very close. We had had problems
previously, but nothing too serious.

Things were relatively great for a few years, then we started to drift
away
from each other. Everything I say here is my own perspective, so bear
with
me. She wanted to be a stay-at-home mom and do all that stuff and be
active
in the kid's lives, and I wasn't there yet. Eventually the roles started
to
reverse. I got involved in the kid's activities and she started to make
excuses to not go. I judged their swim team, coached little league, etc.
She eventually started to get wild and stay out after work and not come
home
until 4 and 6 am the next morning. Why I put up with this I don't know.
We
no longer communicated. She had this thing of slamming me to EVERYONE
(including the kids) behind my back. I knew it was going on, but didn't
realize exactly how much until after we had split and a few friends
finally
told me. Anyway, rather than argue I simply withdrew and never said
anything that might be used as evidence against me at a later date.

By the time she announced she was leaving in January 1999, I had zero
feelings for her. My attitude was 'fine, go'. At this point I was very
close to all three kids, even hers. I considered them my own, as I had
helped raise them and am still the only father and dad they have ever
known.
She had made over $20,000 the year before and had literally nothing saved
for her move, which she had been planning in her head for over eight
months.
She also contributed almost literally nothing to the household expenses,
so
there was no reason for this. I didn't push her moving out because I
didn't
want the kids to leave, and I was afraid of what the courts would do to me
concerning child support and custody. That's when I found
alt.child-support. Mainly, I wanted to know what I was in for and what to
watch out for and how to protect myself. It was a God-send. I knew I had
no legal right to her kids, that I understood, but there was my son and he
and I are inseparable. In April I had had enough so **I** borrowed money
from her mother so she could move out. She rented a house across town.
We
almost always get along, so that was fine, I just wanted the kids nearby.

We lived separated for a long time. Almost 4 years. My son ended up with
me and spends about 98%+ of the time with me. Even though his mother
lives
only a mile away, he wants virtually nothing to do with her. We would
occasionally talk about getting the divorce, but nothing ever came of it.
In early 2002 we started talking more seriously, with her saying she
really
wanted to get it done. I bought some Nolo Press books. She wasn't hip on
us doing it ourselves, but we agreed on virtually everything. She said
she
wanted no child support, and he was living with me, anyway. I told her
that
if we hired lawyers they'd get all our money and we'd end up with pretty
much what we agreed to anyway. I even bought her her own copy of the same
book so she could read for herself what I was talking about.

In all this time I never felt bad that she left. I never missed her. I
had
forgotten how good life could be. Before she moved out one night she
asked
"Why aren't you putting up a fight for me to stay?" I said "I don't know"
and shrugged my shoulders. I was thinking "Because, I WANT you to leave!"
That may sound harsh, but it's the truth.

Some may read this and wonder what I did to contribute to the downfall.
Fair question. First, I shouldn't have let it get as serious as I did
because I never loved her. She loved me and my self-esteem convinced me I
would never find anyone else who would and that I'd better grab her while
I
had the chance. Also, she always said that she loved me so much that she
would never leave me. I believed that and took her for granted, as a
result. That was very wrong for me to do, I know. At least on these two
issues, I am more mature and self-confident, that I plan to never let
those
happen again. My present girlfriend and I are very compatible and have
almost identical feelings for each other, I feel like I may have found
"the
one". I know, everyone says that, but it does happen sometimes.

Back to the story. I wanted to file in October 2003. I wrote a rough
draft
of a marriage settlement agreement and gave it to her. She started
whining
about why I wanted it done so quick, and asked if I was going to marry
someone else. As fate would have it, it was that month that I met my
present girlfriend that I am considering marrying now, but at that point
there was no way to know this. Anyway, she never got back to me. In
mid-November 2002 I gave her a note that said I was going to file "within
a
week" just to get it started and that we could still work together and
finish it off. I promised I would not go any further than that without
letting her know. **** happens, as you'll read later.

A month went by and, nothing from her. I finally filed in mid-December
2002. I paid the county sheriff to serve the papers. She was served on
January 3, 2003. She had 30 days to respond. Nothing. Not a word. In
mid-February she calls me one night and the conversation starts pleasant
enough, then after about 10 minutes she flies off in this tirade about how
I'm trying to screw her and she listed about five things wrong in her life
that are somehow my fault. We had been split 4 years!!! She then
threatened that nothing would happen with the divorce until I fixed
everything in her life. I am not kidding. I knew that about 40 days had
gone by, well beyond the 30 day minimum waiting period. I thought to
myself
"**** that! Like hell you're going to hold me hostage like that!" I
didn't
say anything but ended the phone call as pleasantly as I could. I called
in
sick to work the next morning and went to the courthouse and filled out
the
default paperwork by hand and filed it. I was given a court date of two
weeks later in early March 2003. She was given notice that there would be
a
hearing, but she was not told by the court when or where it would be. I
went, testified, and got the judgment entered right there. The next day I
went to Disneyland for a week. (pre-planned vacation). Even though she
never responded and I could have done pretty much anything I wanted, I did
it like she and I had verbally agreed to. I won't get credit for that,
but
that's life. My conscience wouldn't let me do otherwise. I got alimony
permanently deleted. There is no child support, though I know that could
change. Because of how much time our son spends with me, I am technically
entitled for CS from her, but I don't need it or want it. I felt great!
It
was done.

The Independence Day thing is purely coincidence. The sheriff served her
on
January 3, 2003. In California, if everything goes in a timely manner,
the
waiting period is 6 months and 1 day from the date of service, which in
this
case is, July 4, 2003. I couldn't have timed it any better.

Tomorrow, I am a free man.



Congradulations and good luck with the future gf.

I'd be ****ed. For my 'divorced' date to fall on a holiday. I'd raise
hell. I'd call congress. How dare they subject me to remembering the end
of my marriage on a national holiday

sick *******s.


-
The Dave© stood up, at show-n-tell, and said:

July 4th is Independence Day

For me, too. Literally. You see, my divorce is final on July 4th.
I am not kidding. I have been participating in these two groups for
quite some time now, and have never really given a whole lot of
information about my situation. For whatever reason, I feel like
doing so now. So, here goes:

A little background first. My ex and I met in late 1986 when I was
going to school in Arizona. She came back to northern California
with me in early 1988. She also had two kids from her previous
marriage, ages 2 and 4 when we moved back. We had a son together in
late 1988. We did not get married, but lived together for quite
awhile. May father died in 1992 and her and I got married a month
later, in late 1992. Looking back, I think it was a purely emotional
thing on my part, to maybe replace a closeness that I had just lost,
as my dad and I were always very close. We had had problems
previously, but nothing too serious.

Things were relatively great for a few years, then we started to
drift away from each other. Everything I say here is my own
perspective, so bear with me. She wanted to be a stay-at-home mom
and do all that stuff and be active in the kid's lives, and I wasn't
there yet. Eventually the roles started to reverse. I got involved
in the kid's activities and she started to make excuses to not go. I
judged their swim team, coached little league, etc. She eventually
started to get wild and stay out after work and not come home until 4
and 6 am the next morning. Why I put up with this I don't know. We
no longer communicated. She had this thing of slamming me to
EVERYONE (including the kids) behind my back. I knew it was going
on, but didn't realize exactly how much until after we had split and
a few friends finally told me. Anyway, rather than argue I simply
withdrew and never said anything that might be used as evidence
against me at a later date.

By the time she announced she was leaving in January 1999, I had zero
feelings for her. My attitude was 'fine, go'. At this point I was
very close to all three kids, even hers. I considered them my own,
as I had helped raise them and am still the only father and dad they
have ever known. She had made over $20,000 the year before and had
literally nothing saved for her move, which she had been planning in
her head for over eight months. She also contributed almost literally
nothing to the household expenses, so there was no reason for this.
I didn't push her moving out because I didn't want the kids to leave,
and I was afraid of what the courts would do to me concerning child
support and custody. That's when I found alt.child-support. Mainly,
I wanted to know what I was in for and what to watch out for and how
to protect myself. It was a God-send. I knew I had no legal right
to her kids, that I understood, but there was my son and he and I are
inseparable. In April I had had enough so **I** borrowed money from
her mother so she could move out. She rented a house across town.
We almost always get along, so that was fine, I just wanted the kids
nearby.

We lived separated for a long time. Almost 4 years. My son ended up
with me and spends about 98%+ of the time with me. Even though his
mother lives only a mile away, he wants virtually nothing to do with
her. We would occasionally talk about getting the divorce, but
nothing ever came of it. In early 2002 we started talking more
seriously, with her saying she really wanted to get it done. I
bought some Nolo Press books. She wasn't hip on us doing it
ourselves, but we agreed on virtually everything. She said she
wanted no child support, and he was living with me, anyway. I told
her that if we hired lawyers they'd get all our money and we'd end up
with pretty much what we agreed to anyway. I even bought her her own
copy of the same book so she could read for herself what I was
talking about.

In all this time I never felt bad that she left. I never missed her.
I had forgotten how good life could be. Before she moved out one
night she asked "Why aren't you putting up a fight for me to stay?"
I said "I don't know" and shrugged my shoulders. I was thinking
"Because, I WANT you to leave!" That may sound harsh, but it's the
truth.

Some may read this and wonder what I did to contribute to the
downfall. Fair question. First, I shouldn't have let it get as
serious as I did because I never loved her. She loved me and my
self-esteem convinced me I would never find anyone else who would and
that I'd better grab her while I had the chance. Also, she always
said that she loved me so much that she would never leave me. I
believed that and took her for granted, as a result. That was very
wrong for me to do, I know. At least on these two issues, I am more
mature and self-confident, that I plan to never let those happen
again. My present girlfriend and I are very compatible and have
almost identical feelings for each other, I feel like I may have
found "the one". I know, everyone says that, but it does happen
sometimes.

Back to the story. I wanted to file in October 2003. I wrote a
rough draft of a marriage settlement agreement and gave it to her.
She started whining about why I wanted it done so quick, and asked if
I was going to marry someone else. As fate would have it, it was
that month that I met my present girlfriend that I am considering
marrying now, but at that point there was no way to know this.
Anyway, she never got back to me. In mid-November 2002 I gave her a
note that said I was going to file "within a week" just to get it
started and that we could still work together and finish it off. I
promised I would not go any further than that without letting her
know. **** happens, as you'll read later.

A month went by and, nothing from her. I finally filed in
mid-December 2002. I paid the county sheriff to serve the papers.
She was served on January 3, 2003. She had 30 days to respond.
Nothing. Not a word. In mid-February she calls me one night and the
conversation starts pleasant enough, then after about 10 minutes she
flies off in this tirade about how I'm trying to screw her and she
listed about five things wrong in her life that are somehow my fault.
We had been split 4 years!!! She then threatened that nothing would
happen with the divorce until I fixed everything in her life. I am
not kidding. I knew that about 40 days had gone by, well beyond the
30 day minimum waiting period. I thought to myself "**** that! Like
hell you're going to hold me hostage like that!" I didn't say
anything but ended the phone call as pleasantly as I could. I called
in sick to work the next morning and went to the courthouse and
filled out the default paperwork by hand and filed it. I was given a
court date of two weeks later in early March 2003. She was given
notice that there would be a hearing, but she was not told by the
court when or where it would be. I went, testified, and got the
judgment entered right there. The next day I went to Disneyland for
a week. (pre-planned vacation). Even though she never responded and
I could have done pretty much anything I wanted, I did it like she
and I had verbally agreed to. I won't get credit for that, but
that's life. My conscience wouldn't let me do otherwise. I got
alimony permanently deleted. There is no child support, though I
know that could change. Because of how much time our son spends with
me, I am technically entitled for CS from her, but I don't need it or
want it. I felt great! It was done.

The Independence Day thing is purely coincidence. The sheriff served
her on January 3, 2003. In California, if everything goes in a
timely manner, the waiting period is 6 months and 1 day from the date
of service, which in this case is, July 4, 2003. I couldn't have
timed it any better.

Tomorrow, I am a free man.

--
Strontium

"I thought I'd lost you, somewhere. But you were, never, really
ever there at all. And, I want to get free..."

"Strontium" wrote in message
...
I'd be ****ed. For my 'divorced' date to fall on a holiday. I'd raise
hell. I'd call congress. How dare they subject me to remembering the end
of my marriage on a national holiday

sick *******s.


I was hoping my was finalized on Valentines Day - darn... missed it by a
couple of weeks.


Tracy
~~~~~~~
http://www.hornschuch.net/tracy/
"You can't solve problems with the same
type of thinking that created them."
Albert Einstein

*** spamguard in place! to email me: tracy at hornschuch dot net ***

In alt.support.divorce Tracy wrote:
"Strontium" wrote in message
...
I'd be ****ed. For my 'divorced' date to fall on a holiday. I'd raise
hell. I'd call congress. How dare they subject me to remembering the end
of my marriage on a national holiday

sick *******s.

I was hoping my was finalized on Valentines Day - darn... missed it by a
couple of weeks.

Tracy

I was hoping for April Fools Day but it got delayed due to some change
in forms by the court. We had to resubmit. So, the date my divorce
is final is now forever linked to my mother's birthday.

Jan

--
jan(at)panix.com http://www.couchtigers.com
.................................................. .................
Silicon Valley Friends of Ferals : CAT: A pigmy lion that loves
http://www.svff.org : mice, hates dogs, and
Mary Kay Cosmetics, Inc. : patronizes human beings.
http://www.marykay.com/jcordes : --Oliver Herford
...................................:.............. .................

"Jan A Cordes" wrote
I was hoping for April Fools Day but it got delayed
due to some change in forms by the court. We had
to resubmit. So, the date my divorce
is final is now forever linked to my mother's birthday.

Actually, my sister got married on April Fool's Day. On purpose. If you
knew her and her sense of humor, you'd understand.

She's divorced now.

Jan A Cordes wrote:
In alt.support.divorce Tracy wrote:
"Strontium" wrote in message
...
I'd be ****ed. For my 'divorced' date to fall on a holiday. I'd
raise hell. I'd call congress. How dare they subject me to
remembering the end of my marriage on a national holiday

sick *******s.

I was hoping my was finalized on Valentines Day - darn... missed it
by a couple of weeks.

Tracy

I was hoping for April Fools Day but it got delayed due to some change
in forms by the court. We had to resubmit. So, the date my divorce
is final is now forever linked to my mother's birthday.

Jan

Hey, mine might actually end up being on my ex's birthday. Now that would
be a hoot!

Rambler

Tracy said for all posterity...

I was hoping my was finalized on Valentines Day - darn... missed it by a
couple of weeks.

I only missed it by 4 days, actually. I was close!


Casey

I started with nothing. I still have most of it.

Strontium wrote:
I'd be ****ed. For my 'divorced' date to fall on a holiday. I'd
raise hell. I'd call congress. How dare they subject me to
remembering the end of my marriage on a national holiday

sick *******s.


Well get this:

First marriage took place on Christmas Eve, how stupid is that?

Legally separated on April Fools Day.

Divorce final on my oldest child's B-day.

I never seem to learn, 2nd marriage day after Thanksgiving.

Separated once again- May Day.

Divorced some time in November.....this time I made damn sure it wasn't on
my sons Birthday which is in Nov....

Lori Mc

In alt.support.divorce LoriMc wrote:

Well get this:

First marriage took place on Christmas Eve, how stupid is that?

Legally separated on April Fools Day.

Divorce final on my oldest child's B-day.

I never seem to learn, 2nd marriage day after Thanksgiving.

Separated once again- May Day.

Divorced some time in November.....this time I made damn sure it wasn't on
my sons Birthday which is in Nov....

Lori Mc

Wow. Very interesting timing on all of that. What's the draw for
marrying around a holiday?

Our wedding was May 1, 1999 (May Day! May Day!). The divorce was final
May 29, 2003. I got the paperwork in the mail on Friday the 13th (6/13/03).

This past Friday the 13th was a hard one. I had a 2nd interview for a
job and then got notice that they'd decided not to hire anyone a few
hours later. I received the divorce papers in the mail. And, the layoff
notice for my little part-time/on-call job got mailed that day.

Jan
--
jan(at)panix.com http://www.couchtigers.com
.................................................. .................
Silicon Valley Friends of Ferals : CAT: A pigmy lion that loves
http://www.svff.org : mice, hates dogs, and
Mary Kay Cosmetics, Inc. : patronizes human beings.
http://www.marykay.com/jcordes : --Oliver Herford
...................................:.............. .................