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Nedd Advice PLEASE!!!!!!!



 
 
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  #1  
Old March 20th 04, 08:58 PM
anna
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Default Nedd Advice PLEASE!!!!!!!

Hello I am in hopes that anyone at all will be able to help me in
regards to a problem I having. My husband and I have been separated
now for a little over a year and our divorce will be finalized
shortly. We have an 8 year old son whom we share. When I come to pick
him up from his dads he throws a fit and screams and cries and doesn't
want to go sometimes. Once I get him in the car though he is totally
fine and we have a great time together. I am at my wits end with this
and it breaks my heart that he acts this way towards me sometimes. I
am not sure what to do I was just wondering if maybe anyone out that
had any advice at all or thoughts about what could possibly be done. I
don't like seeing him get upset but I need to have my time with him
too. Any advice or thoughts would be greatly appreciated. thanks,

  #2  
Old March 20th 04, 11:05 PM
Beth Kevles
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Default Nedd Advice PLEASE!!!!!!!


Hi -

Have you sat down with your son (at a different time, NOT when he's
leaving his dad's house) to ask why he has tantrums at departure time?
Listen carefully to what he says; the truth may be hidden between his
words, and not too explicit.

Does his dad give him warnings so that he knows departure is imminent?
Do you whisk him away when you arrive or give him time to get his stuff
together? Do you remind him that you know he misses his dad, but he'll
see his dad again soon?

Does he see enough of his dad? Enough for your son to feel good about
seeing his dad and then returning to you? Weekends-only might not feel
like enough for him, for example. (And if he doesn't feel as though
he's seeing enough of his dad then you need to sit down with him and
discuss your sharing arrangements. You don't necessarily need to CHANGE
the arrangements, but you need to get your son's buy-in.)

And then, of course, you need to consider how everyone in the trio (you,
your son, his dad) are treating each other, how well you're all paying
attention to your son, how well you're talking ABOUT each other, etc.

And finally, remember that even after a year, the arrangement may feel
temporary because the divorce wasn't finalized. Maybe your son is
hoping you'll all be together again, or stuff like that.

Good luck.
--Beth Kevles

http://web.mit.edu/kevles/www/nomilk.html -- a page for the milk-allergic
Disclaimer: Nothing in this message should be construed as medical
advice. Please consult with your own medical practicioner.

NOTE: No email is read at my MIT address. Use the AOL one if you would
like me to reply.

  #3  
Old March 21st 04, 12:57 AM
dragonlady
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Default Nedd Advice PLEASE!!!!!!!

In article ,
(anna) wrote:

Hello I am in hopes that anyone at all will be able to help me in
regards to a problem I having. My husband and I have been separated
now for a little over a year and our divorce will be finalized
shortly. We have an 8 year old son whom we share. When I come to pick
him up from his dads he throws a fit and screams and cries and doesn't
want to go sometimes. Once I get him in the car though he is totally
fine and we have a great time together. I am at my wits end with this
and it breaks my heart that he acts this way towards me sometimes. I
am not sure what to do I was just wondering if maybe anyone out that
had any advice at all or thoughts about what could possibly be done. I
don't like seeing him get upset but I need to have my time with him
too. Any advice or thoughts would be greatly appreciated. thanks,


I absolutely agree that trying to find out WHY he's pitching a fit is a
good idea. How does it work when his dad comes to get him at your
house -- does he also get upset then? (In which case he may just have
problems making the transitions.)

However, in the meantime, I understand that you'd like to reduce his
upset. You might consider having the parent with whom he has been
deliver him to the place he's going -- it might make the transition
easier. Alternatively, you might find a neutral location (a park, or
even a fast food place that he likes) to meet at to swap custody -- it
might make the transfer easier on him.

Good luck.

meh
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

  #4  
Old March 22nd 04, 01:49 PM
Beth Gallagher
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Default Nedd Advice PLEASE!!!!!!!


"anna" wrote in message
om...
Hello I am in hopes that anyone at all will be able to help me in
regards to a problem I having. My husband and I have been separated
now for a little over a year and our divorce will be finalized
shortly. We have an 8 year old son whom we share. When I come to pick
him up from his dads he throws a fit and screams and cries and doesn't
want to go sometimes. Once I get him in the car though he is totally
fine and we have a great time together. I am at my wits end with this
and it breaks my heart that he acts this way towards me sometimes. I
am not sure what to do I was just wondering if maybe anyone out that
had any advice at all or thoughts about what could possibly be done. I
don't like seeing him get upset but I need to have my time with him
too. Any advice or thoughts would be greatly appreciated. thanks,


You've already gotten very good advice, but it occurs to me to ask, as well:
Is the schedule you've worked out for "sharing" your son unjustly disruptive
to his life? While I'm sure it's very important that he see as much as
possible of both you and your ex, in the interests of stability, maybe an
equal "sharing" of him is not best? (If you even have that.)

Do you and your ex live near each other, so your son can still see his same
friends and such regardless of who he's staying with? I have a son that same
age, and I cannot imagine him having to pick up and leave home on, say,
schoolnights. He has enough going on. . . He objects pretty strenuously even
if I have to make him run an errand or two with me on a school night.

Also, is this the only situation in which you see this explosive behavior?


 




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