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#11
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Doula Dilemma
"Ericka" wrote in message ... Kat wrote: "Ericka" wrote in message ... Kat wrote: Again, I just keep thinking about how to pick one... and keep track of all of the replies and phone calls I get and make. Trying to remember who is who and all that. Take notes ;-) Ha. That's very easily said, it seems! I grabbed a sheet of paper and tried taking notes just now based on call history on the phone, hoping I have the right people with the right number and trying to remember the convos of what's going on. I don't want to look like a total idiot calling someone that I've already talked to and sounding like a very unorganized fool going through things that we've already gone through. I seem to have NO organizational skills lately, and my memory seems to be on vacation. As I'm replying to emails, I've also said that I have some issues with remembering who I've talked to, emailed, what I've asked, etc. You do realize that a doula's job is to support *pregnant* and *laboring* women, right? Scatterbrained clients pretty much goes with the territory ;-) One thing that can help you get a bit organized is to type up a sort of interview form that has the questions you're most interested in already on the form, with space for you to fill in the details. That way you remember your most important questions and you have a sheet for each prospective doula on which you have the pertinent information. It's a bit of a pain, but I know when I was pregnant I needed to write things down, make lists, and all that sort of thing because otherwise I'd just forget everything! That's a good idea, and maybe by explaining that I've all but confused myself real bad, it can be understandable if I repeat the same things over. I should have done all this right from the start! Scatterbrain-ism seems to be a guaranteed symptom and side effect with pregnancy. Best wishes, Ericka |
#12
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Doula Dilemma
I personally would rather have a close friend be with me at a birth than
someone I would have to interview and pay. Do you not have any close friends that could be with you? Do you have any close relatives, a sister or aunt? -- Sue (mom to three girls) "Kat" wrote in message ... So... I waited until last second to realize that I'm running out of time. Seeing as I'm still a happily single mom, and due in a month, I just wasn't really thinking too much about the future. I have decided that I'm fairly confident that I do NOT want N around at all, especially in the hospital. At this point in time, and I'm positive in the future, I do not want him in the hospital when the time comes, nor do I want him as some unexpected visitor. That's his too bad, so sad. My plan is that my mom will take the kids. She's really my only real and guaranteed option. I've decided that although friends have all offered to help with whatever, I do not want to rely on a friend. Especially since babies CAN come at the most inconvenient times, I just don't feel comfortable relying on a friend. I then got thinking that with my mom taking all the kids, I really don't want to sit in the hospital all by myself. And again, I really don't want to rely only on a friend... Friends, I've found, can be a little MIA in a pinch, and I don't want to risk that. So... I looked into a doula for some kind of support/coach type thing... And so I'm not sitting around like some pathetic loser by myself in the hospital to have a baby all by myself... I looked into doulas and originally found they're far too expensive for me to manage. They seem to average around $500 or so, give or take, and coming up with that kind of money for one or two days is not something I could do, even if I wanted to. I ended up finding some contacts for volunteer doulas. The ones I found are all free. Some are either in training and volunteer for births for their training, some are already certified and volunteer for very low income single mothers or couples with very low income. I, fortunately, fall into the category for the income and single mom part, and I don't really mind if a doula is certified or if they're still in training. I've come into a problem though. I've always been so indecisive, it seems, and this is one thing N has always told me right from the start. For a number of things, I can't seem to make up my mind and come up with a decision... I ended up emailing all the doulas that volunteer from the list that I was given from a local doula association. I did that a couple nights ago and I had a number of replies. I think there was maybe 5-6 of the volunteer ones, and all said they would be more than happy to assist me, and only one said she was not able, but she passed on my name and all that to a friend of hers, and this friend called me yesterday. I also had another lady call me today. And I still need to go through my emails and all that as I've been fairly busy the last couple days (especially with DD1's dental surgery and all that) Now here's my big problem... How do you decide on a doula? They're all free of charge, running on a volunteer basis. 2 of them said they would be more than happy, but one has another client due Feb 3, IIRC, and said if I picked her, it might be a good idea to have a backup, and another one has a client due Feb 13, but she has her own backup if needed. The lady that called me today said she has no other clients due around my EDD, which is Feb 7. I'm finding that I'm getting fairly nervous about all of this and making decisions. Something so simple, yet it isn't for me. How do you decide on one? Do you hold "interviews" and pick which one you like best out of them all? Eenie, meenie, miney, mo? How do you turn down offers? All I'm really concerned about is NOT being left all alone, someone that is supportive of breastfeeding (which they all seem to be anyways), one that and just be there to offer support and advice, and even translate any possible medical or technical terms into simple English. I'm also kind of feeling that I might be more comfortable with a doula that is a bit younger and closer to my age. The one I talked to (with a current client due days before me) sounds very young. She has young children - I think 3 that are between about 11 months and 4 years) and the other lady I talked to sounds a lot older... She has 5 grandchildren between 10 and 15 years old but she's available and has no clients due any time around me. Another sorta issue is that I know for a fact that my OB is not very doula-friendly. I recently found out that my OB had a bad experience once involving a doula, and now her (my OB) opinion is basically, "Do you want a doctor or do you want a doula?" Quite frankly, it comes down to I do not want to sit alone in the hospital LOL Again, I just keep thinking about how to pick one... and keep track of all of the replies and phone calls I get and make. Trying to remember who is who and all that. I also kind of feel bad if someone comes over here to meet with me before I actually pick just one (I realize I can't have 20485 doulas just because they offer and say they're available LOL) for an interview and to get to know her and talk and then not use her. Like the time and effort wasting, and I almost feel like I'd be a jerk for not picking them because they've put in effort and then what? I don't like them or something?? I know this is rediculous and very stupid, but I'm having some real problems with it. I also do feel that I should get back to people within the next couple days at the most and not leave them hanging and hanging... and not get back to anyone but then make a last second phone call to hope someone can maybe come last second without even meeting them?? So does anyone have any advice? I see this is just stupid, but it's just one of those things that I don't think I've ever been real good at and seem to be having some issues with. I'm also running out of time! |
#13
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Doula Dilemma
"Sue" wrote in message ... I personally would rather have a close friend be with me at a birth than someone I would have to interview and pay. Do you not have any close friends that could be with you? Do you have any close relatives, a sister or aunt? -- Sue (mom to three girls) I don't recall if I said, but no, I really don't. I do have a few friends, but none that I feel I could totally rely on. From past experience, everyone offers to help, but when it comes right down to it, people tend to disappear or be unavailable. I have a couple friends that are single parents (which makes it difficult for their childcare) or they have many kids, again, difficult with the childcare issue as well, or they work and there could be an issue of leaving work in the middle of the day or getting up in the middle of the night. I have a fair bit of close relatives, but that would mean my brothers, a handful of all male cousins (or their wives, which I am NOT close to or even really talk to except at bigger family functions once or twice a year) I have no sisters and only one aunt I'm close to (out of a possible 2 in and around the city) but with that, I'm just not comfortable. The doula, though is free. I was given a list of volunteer doulas, and so far the few I have had contact with are certified doulas that volunteer. It sure seems that for those that have had a doula - either a single mother or couples that have a doula - they've all said it made their experience so much better. I've even heard a few people say they had a doula for a second or later pregnancy, and wish they would have had one for all their births. Doulas seem to offer more than what just a friend or family member can offer. It seems they can offer different techniques and whatever else. One mom said her doula had music, massages, hot and cold compresses, some kind of aromatherapy and offered various positions and whatever else. I know to date, I've never had that kind of stuff offered to me with any of my births. I also figure if I can find someone I'm comfortable with, it's even different than the nurses that come in and out of the room with various shifts and all that. After all is said and done, I won't see the doula again (after birth and shortly after with a newborn) but yet I do have to see friends. I think the most part of that is that I will have to see my friends, and have them see me in a very sensitive, vulnerable, intimate, whatever, position. Doulas do this kind of stuff all the time. Friends and family members don't. "Kat" wrote in message ... So... I waited until last second to realize that I'm running out of time. Seeing as I'm still a happily single mom, and due in a month, I just wasn't really thinking too much about the future. I have decided that I'm fairly confident that I do NOT want N around at all, especially in the hospital. At this point in time, and I'm positive in the future, I do not want him in the hospital when the time comes, nor do I want him as some unexpected visitor. That's his too bad, so sad. My plan is that my mom will take the kids. She's really my only real and guaranteed option. I've decided that although friends have all offered to help with whatever, I do not want to rely on a friend. Especially since babies CAN come at the most inconvenient times, I just don't feel comfortable relying on a friend. I then got thinking that with my mom taking all the kids, I really don't want to sit in the hospital all by myself. And again, I really don't want to rely only on a friend... Friends, I've found, can be a little MIA in a pinch, and I don't want to risk that. So... I looked into a doula for some kind of support/coach type thing... And so I'm not sitting around like some pathetic loser by myself in the hospital to have a baby all by myself... I looked into doulas and originally found they're far too expensive for me to manage. They seem to average around $500 or so, give or take, and coming up with that kind of money for one or two days is not something I could do, even if I wanted to. I ended up finding some contacts for volunteer doulas. The ones I found are all free. Some are either in training and volunteer for births for their training, some are already certified and volunteer for very low income single mothers or couples with very low income. I, fortunately, fall into the category for the income and single mom part, and I don't really mind if a doula is certified or if they're still in training. I've come into a problem though. I've always been so indecisive, it seems, and this is one thing N has always told me right from the start. For a number of things, I can't seem to make up my mind and come up with a decision... I ended up emailing all the doulas that volunteer from the list that I was given from a local doula association. I did that a couple nights ago and I had a number of replies. I think there was maybe 5-6 of the volunteer ones, and all said they would be more than happy to assist me, and only one said she was not able, but she passed on my name and all that to a friend of hers, and this friend called me yesterday. I also had another lady call me today. And I still need to go through my emails and all that as I've been fairly busy the last couple days (especially with DD1's dental surgery and all that) Now here's my big problem... How do you decide on a doula? They're all free of charge, running on a volunteer basis. 2 of them said they would be more than happy, but one has another client due Feb 3, IIRC, and said if I picked her, it might be a good idea to have a backup, and another one has a client due Feb 13, but she has her own backup if needed. The lady that called me today said she has no other clients due around my EDD, which is Feb 7. I'm finding that I'm getting fairly nervous about all of this and making decisions. Something so simple, yet it isn't for me. How do you decide on one? Do you hold "interviews" and pick which one you like best out of them all? Eenie, meenie, miney, mo? How do you turn down offers? All I'm really concerned about is NOT being left all alone, someone that is supportive of breastfeeding (which they all seem to be anyways), one that and just be there to offer support and advice, and even translate any possible medical or technical terms into simple English. I'm also kind of feeling that I might be more comfortable with a doula that is a bit younger and closer to my age. The one I talked to (with a current client due days before me) sounds very young. She has young children - I think 3 that are between about 11 months and 4 years) and the other lady I talked to sounds a lot older... She has 5 grandchildren between 10 and 15 years old but she's available and has no clients due any time around me. Another sorta issue is that I know for a fact that my OB is not very doula-friendly. I recently found out that my OB had a bad experience once involving a doula, and now her (my OB) opinion is basically, "Do you want a doctor or do you want a doula?" Quite frankly, it comes down to I do not want to sit alone in the hospital LOL Again, I just keep thinking about how to pick one... and keep track of all of the replies and phone calls I get and make. Trying to remember who is who and all that. I also kind of feel bad if someone comes over here to meet with me before I actually pick just one (I realize I can't have 20485 doulas just because they offer and say they're available LOL) for an interview and to get to know her and talk and then not use her. Like the time and effort wasting, and I almost feel like I'd be a jerk for not picking them because they've put in effort and then what? I don't like them or something?? I know this is rediculous and very stupid, but I'm having some real problems with it. I also do feel that I should get back to people within the next couple days at the most and not leave them hanging and hanging... and not get back to anyone but then make a last second phone call to hope someone can maybe come last second without even meeting them?? So does anyone have any advice? I see this is just stupid, but it's just one of those things that I don't think I've ever been real good at and seem to be having some issues with. I'm also running out of time! |
#14
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Doula Dilemma
Kat wrote:
"Sue" wrote in message ... I personally would rather have a close friend be with me at a birth than someone I would have to interview and pay. Do you not have any close friends that could be with you? Do you have any close relatives, a sister or aunt? I feel much more comfortable having a trained and experienced doula. Friends and family may wish the best for me, but don't have the experience to provide the support I need. far the few I have had contact with are certified doulas that volunteer. It sure seems that for those that have had a doula - either a single mother or couples that have a doula - they've all said it made their experience so much better. I've even heard a few people say they had a doula for a second or later pregnancy, and wish they would have had one for all their births. I'm one of those. I didn't have a doula for my first birth, but did for the next 3. I sorely regret not having a doula for the first. I think the experience and recovery would have been much better for me. I'm sure the experience would have been much better for my husband too. Doulas seem to offer more than what just a friend or family member can offer. It seems they can offer different techniques and whatever else. One mom said her doula had music, massages, hot and cold compresses, some kind of aromatherapy and offered various positions and whatever else. I know to date, I've never had that kind of stuff offered to me with any of my births. Even though I usually tend toward the "don't touch me" type during labor, I appreciate a doula. I also figure if I can find someone I'm comfortable with, it's even different than the nurses that come in and out of the room with various shifts and all that. After all is said and done, I won't see the doula again (after birth and shortly after with a newborn) but yet I do have to see friends. I think the most part of that is that I will have to see my friends, and have them see me in a very sensitive, vulnerable, intimate, whatever, position. Doulas do this kind of stuff all the time. Friends and family members don't. I feel much more comfortable giving birth around people who see it frequently. I imagine that if people who don't see birth regularly are present, they are more likely to have the image of me in particular giving birth burned into their memories. Since we are discussing doulas, I thought I would mention how helpful I found having a postpartum doula after my last birth. I knew that I didn't have family members who could travel to help me at the time my baby was expected. My postpartum doulas (neither one was available as many hours as I needed) were very flexible. I didn't need as much help with the baby as a first time mom, but it was wonderful having someone there who could fold laundry, get snacks for the kids and me, make sure the kids were safe, happy and didn't trash the house, and allow me to rest and concentrate on the baby. Both my postpartum doulas worked on a sliding scale based on what the mother could afford. It was nice having them there to talk to too, before I was able to start going places where I would see other adults. I liked having the security of knowing the postpartum doulas had some training in breastfeeding, normal vs. abnormal newborn behavior and recognizing postpartum depression. If you think you may need more support than your family will be able to provide after the birth, you could look into postpartum doulas as well as birth doulas. --Betsy |
#15
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Doula Dilemma
betsy wrote:
Kat wrote: Doulas seem to offer more than what just a friend or family member can offer. It seems they can offer different techniques and whatever else. One mom said her doula had music, massages, hot and cold compresses, some kind of aromatherapy and offered various positions and whatever else. I know to date, I've never had that kind of stuff offered to me with any of my births. Even though I usually tend toward the "don't touch me" type during labor, I appreciate a doula. I am very much a "leave me alone" sort of person in labor. I didn't have doulas, per se, but for my first two births I had two midwives (well, two were there for the first birth, but only one made it in time for the second), and then I had a midwife and a birth assistant for the third. Between the two midwives or the midwife and the birth assistant they provided much the same service as a doula. What I found helpful was that the mother hen in me could relax because I knew that someone was making sure that everyone else was taken care of. Someone else would talk my husband down if he was freaking out, someone else would make sure that everyone was fed, someone else would make sure that any supplies for the birth were ready when needed, someone else would keep people informed when I kicked everyone out, etc. Without that, I wouldn't have been able to concentrate on labor or relax as well as I did. So, even for those who don't necessarily *need* a doula for hands on help during labor, it may be something to consider. Of course, that doesn't apply so much to Kat's situation, as she hasn't got a pile of other folks to worry about, but might be relevant to someone else. Best wishes, Ericka |
#16
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Doula Dilemma
Kat,
Hopefully you've already been making some headway on this issue, but I thought I'd help a bit, if I can. I think the first thing you need to do is whittle down your list. Easy ways to narrow down your choices are to cross off the people who have other clients due around the same time you are. Even if they have a backup in mind, since you have several other doula's offering, it just seems like a simple and easy way to narrow down your choices. If you were to interview the others available, and none seemed like a fit, you could always go back to the original list. Then as others said, talk to them on the phone, and then interview your top two in person, if necessary. Good luck. -- Jamie Clark www.ClarkDigitalArts.com "Kat" wrote in message ... So... I waited until last second to realize that I'm running out of time. Seeing as I'm still a happily single mom, and due in a month, I just wasn't really thinking too much about the future. I have decided that I'm fairly confident that I do NOT want N around at all, especially in the hospital. At this point in time, and I'm positive in the future, I do not want him in the hospital when the time comes, nor do I want him as some unexpected visitor. That's his too bad, so sad. My plan is that my mom will take the kids. She's really my only real and guaranteed option. I've decided that although friends have all offered to help with whatever, I do not want to rely on a friend. Especially since babies CAN come at the most inconvenient times, I just don't feel comfortable relying on a friend. I then got thinking that with my mom taking all the kids, I really don't want to sit in the hospital all by myself. And again, I really don't want to rely only on a friend... Friends, I've found, can be a little MIA in a pinch, and I don't want to risk that. So... I looked into a doula for some kind of support/coach type thing... And so I'm not sitting around like some pathetic loser by myself in the hospital to have a baby all by myself... I looked into doulas and originally found they're far too expensive for me to manage. They seem to average around $500 or so, give or take, and coming up with that kind of money for one or two days is not something I could do, even if I wanted to. I ended up finding some contacts for volunteer doulas. The ones I found are all free. Some are either in training and volunteer for births for their training, some are already certified and volunteer for very low income single mothers or couples with very low income. I, fortunately, fall into the category for the income and single mom part, and I don't really mind if a doula is certified or if they're still in training. I've come into a problem though. I've always been so indecisive, it seems, and this is one thing N has always told me right from the start. For a number of things, I can't seem to make up my mind and come up with a decision... I ended up emailing all the doulas that volunteer from the list that I was given from a local doula association. I did that a couple nights ago and I had a number of replies. I think there was maybe 5-6 of the volunteer ones, and all said they would be more than happy to assist me, and only one said she was not able, but she passed on my name and all that to a friend of hers, and this friend called me yesterday. I also had another lady call me today. And I still need to go through my emails and all that as I've been fairly busy the last couple days (especially with DD1's dental surgery and all that) Now here's my big problem... How do you decide on a doula? They're all free of charge, running on a volunteer basis. 2 of them said they would be more than happy, but one has another client due Feb 3, IIRC, and said if I picked her, it might be a good idea to have a backup, and another one has a client due Feb 13, but she has her own backup if needed. The lady that called me today said she has no other clients due around my EDD, which is Feb 7. I'm finding that I'm getting fairly nervous about all of this and making decisions. Something so simple, yet it isn't for me. How do you decide on one? Do you hold "interviews" and pick which one you like best out of them all? Eenie, meenie, miney, mo? How do you turn down offers? All I'm really concerned about is NOT being left all alone, someone that is supportive of breastfeeding (which they all seem to be anyways), one that and just be there to offer support and advice, and even translate any possible medical or technical terms into simple English. I'm also kind of feeling that I might be more comfortable with a doula that is a bit younger and closer to my age. The one I talked to (with a current client due days before me) sounds very young. She has young children - I think 3 that are between about 11 months and 4 years) and the other lady I talked to sounds a lot older... She has 5 grandchildren between 10 and 15 years old but she's available and has no clients due any time around me. Another sorta issue is that I know for a fact that my OB is not very doula-friendly. I recently found out that my OB had a bad experience once involving a doula, and now her (my OB) opinion is basically, "Do you want a doctor or do you want a doula?" Quite frankly, it comes down to I do not want to sit alone in the hospital LOL Again, I just keep thinking about how to pick one... and keep track of all of the replies and phone calls I get and make. Trying to remember who is who and all that. I also kind of feel bad if someone comes over here to meet with me before I actually pick just one (I realize I can't have 20485 doulas just because they offer and say they're available LOL) for an interview and to get to know her and talk and then not use her. Like the time and effort wasting, and I almost feel like I'd be a jerk for not picking them because they've put in effort and then what? I don't like them or something?? I know this is rediculous and very stupid, but I'm having some real problems with it. I also do feel that I should get back to people within the next couple days at the most and not leave them hanging and hanging... and not get back to anyone but then make a last second phone call to hope someone can maybe come last second without even meeting them?? So does anyone have any advice? I see this is just stupid, but it's just one of those things that I don't think I've ever been real good at and seem to be having some issues with. I'm also running out of time! |
#17
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Doula Dilemma
"betsy" wrote in message
I feel much more comfortable having a trained and experienced doula. Friends and family may wish the best for me, but don't have the experience to provide the support I need. I didn't need anyone trained besides the nurses to be with me during the births. My husband's support was all I needed. If he wasn't around, which he was there all three times, then I would of rather had my sister or my closest friend. I am not into the whole "birth experience" has to be perfect and intervention free like many of you are. I am pretty independent and did just fine without anyone else there except the nurse popping in once and a while. -- Sue (mom to three girls) |
#18
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Doula Dilemma
"Sue" wrote in message
... I didn't need anyone trained besides the nurses to be with me during the births. My husband's support was all I needed. If he wasn't around, which he was there all three times, then I would of rather had my sister or my closest friend. I am not into the whole "birth experience" has to be perfect and intervention free like many of you are. I am pretty independent and did just fine without anyone else there except the nurse popping in once and a while. For me, the biggest thing was to get through the pain. My mom was a huge help there. If I hadn't had her with me, I'd have wanted *someone* useful at helping me get through the contractions without encouraging meds(and for my own two hospital births and the 3 others I'd been at, meds were the only way the nurses seemed to know how to deal with the pain). It's not a perfect birth experience we're after(most of us, I guess!), it's just support through the hard stuff that we want. Not to be alone. Marie |
#19
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Doula Dilemma
I guess I just deal with it different. I interalized my pain, focused,
breathed, rocked back and forth and got through it. I didn't have drugs nor did anyone push them on me. I had very good experiences with my births. I did have an epidural with my first, but it didn't take and they took it out. No one pushed me into having it though. Everyone is different and most are looking for that magical experience, but I just wanted to get through it, lol. -- Sue (mom to three girls) "MarieD" wrote in message ... "Sue" wrote in message ... I didn't need anyone trained besides the nurses to be with me during the births. My husband's support was all I needed. If he wasn't around, which he was there all three times, then I would of rather had my sister or my closest friend. I am not into the whole "birth experience" has to be perfect and intervention free like many of you are. I am pretty independent and did just fine without anyone else there except the nurse popping in once and a while. For me, the biggest thing was to get through the pain. My mom was a huge help there. If I hadn't had her with me, I'd have wanted *someone* useful at helping me get through the contractions without encouraging meds(and for my own two hospital births and the 3 others I'd been at, meds were the only way the nurses seemed to know how to deal with the pain). It's not a perfect birth experience we're after(most of us, I guess!), it's just support through the hard stuff that we want. Not to be alone. Marie |
#20
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Doula Dilemma
Sue wrote:
I guess I just deal with it different. I interalized my pain, focused, breathed, rocked back and forth and got through it. I didn't have drugs nor did anyone push them on me. I had very good experiences with my births. I did have an epidural with my first, but it didn't take and they took it out. No one pushed me into having it though. Everyone is different and most are looking for that magical experience, but I just wanted to get through it, lol. I don't think that everyone who hires a doula (or who shoots for a low intervention birth) is looking for a "magical experience." In fact, lots of women I know who wanted low intervention births were very skeptical of the whole "birth experience" and had completely different reasons for wanting less intervention. Lots of people find that they *did* have unwanted things pushed on them. Some find that they don't get enough support *for them* from staff (especially as hospitals get more and more understaffed). Some found that they *didn't* get through it without skilled help. Not only are people different, and not only are their goals different, but their environments are different as well. I can certainly understand that you (and plenty of other women, for assorted reasons) feel no need for a doula to achieve your goals, but other women-even some whose goals are very similar to yours-- may find that a doula is important for them to achieve those goals. Best wishes, Ericka |
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